Support and Strange Longings

Today is a thank you comment. I am thinking about the nature of getting support from other people. I have continued to be touched by the kindness of strangers here in cyberspace. Hearing words like "you will lose every last pound" has been what I have needed as I sit at 183, 184 and I think 184.5 this morning (eyes blurry, not motivated to see it anyway.)

I am not sure what to do during this time. I long to go back on P2 because it worked so fast and so well and despite my bitching and moaning, I knew what I was supposed to do. Not many decisions to make, because it was all about just following the protocol and being happy to see the nifty recipes for things like baked apple.

How long must I wait to get back on P2? What do we do once we land at goal weight? I am maintaining mine OK - but feel ready to lose more - and not the "regular" way either.

Am I insane?

If I stopped injection March 30 do I wait 4 weeks? 6 weeks? I don't want to start P2 again too soon and mess things up.

Am I CRAZY to long for P2?

Perhaps I have not internalized the principals of "healthy eating" completely - I admit I have veered from vegetables which I have never loved. Perhaps I long for more structure - like being released from prison and asking to be re-admitted?

As it is, thank you all for your support.

Not surprisingly, I have to work this weekend because Trial is on Tuesday. I just realized I have not tried on my Bitchin' Big Girl Suit for awhile - I wonder if it fits.

xoxoxo to all of you.

Keep At It

Well, ended up eating pizza and started the long downward Oh Fuck This slide. Realized again that I am not doing that anymore. Went and lifted weights with Trevor and it made all the difference. Nothing like 20 pounds off my body to make the warm up (treadmill) easier. And I haven't lost as much lean as I anticipated because I can still KICK ASS on legs. And did as many abs as hubby did.

Sometimes it takes a friend or husband or someone to literally drag you out of the doldrums. Nothing like the Nike ad re: Just Do It. I immediately felt better physically, and then of course, mentally perked up, felt less avoidant and anxious, and you know the rest.

Why is it so hard to remember this feeling, this recall that yes, I can do this, that yes, it's just a lifted weight, a walk on the treadmill or the putting down of pizza away?

Sadness and despair creep in, like a fog. The deal with my parents, taking on extra hard cases, trying to (always) re-invent my practice to keep up with the economy and the changing times and the needs of my population, not sleeping, it all catches up with a person. And then you are sitting eating pizza and FORTUNE COOKIES (jesus - fortune cookies?) at the computer and feeling despair and that you will never take off the last 30 lbs.

And so, you must begin again and again and again... and no matter if I have to begin anew every fucking 10 minutes, then I suppose that it what it takes. Because what is the alternative? The slide into helplessness? A rage against advancing age and sagging flesh? Fuck That.

I'm dusting off my damn George Foreman.

And I'm finishing this report that as I write it, makes me despair of humanity the absolute lack of empathy parents show for children. I've got loud Detroit MoTown playing. That is helping.

Keep At It.

Keep At It.

Keep At It.

Don't Be Afraid of the Scale: Redux

Guess what happens when you pretend that you can eat like you used to?

1) You gain weight
2) You avoid the scale
3) You panic
4) You avoid the scale and feel guilty for avoiding the scale
5) You finally get on the scale and freak out
6) You shake yourself by the scruff of the neck
7) You remember everything you've learned since you started this.

And so, LIW 183 and Present weight 182. So that's not so bad is it?

It's time to start thinking about round TWO. I have a couple of conferences and trials to get through in May. Then I think I'll begin R2P2 (which is really phase 1 but we all know what I mean).

I liked the structure of it, P2. I am wondering what will happen this round, since I basically blew off P3 entirely. Well not ENTIRELY but we all know what I mean.

In any sense, there's no way out but through. No need for self-recrimination, no need for the attempt to fool myself - or you guys - which means it's time to blog more and eat less.

Today was breakfast in bed with eggs, bacon and toast and coffee. Husband is a darling.

Now am full. REALLY full. Working on a report so it will be interesting to see munching/grazing habits that come into play today.

Sorry for my absence. I have been absent from conscious eating and I have allowed my work life to interfere in my conscious eating life.

So I'm back.

178.8

And that's all I'm saying about that. I recognize this is mostly water and such but OMG.

Today eating is erratic. More chewing on the easter rabbit. Ate an Organic Hotdog, which I find strangely hilarious but don't know why. Ate tuna with organic mayo - and organic mayo is terrible. Ate two pieces of whole wheat bread and then some nuts/chocolate/trail mix while watching Lord of the Rings and crying alot. I think this is mostly related still to my parental issues but that is what I did. Am still in pajamas.

178.8 - even if it's just a teeny little bounce downward it just STOKES ME UP that I saw that number today.

I Got On The Scale and also, My Bitchin New Hair

Well, I got on the scale this AM. Recall, LIW = 183.0 Today... 181.4!!! Again, how can this be? I think my new phrase is HOW CAN THIS BE? I didn't exactly gorge or anything in OKC, but I, as usual am not on the "program" - so that's so weird.

How long is phase three supposed to last anyway - you know, the part where I'm supposed to be avoiding starch and sugar? Like those bread things at Olive Garden, and the BEER I had two nights ago? (OMG it was such a delightful beer. I don't even like beer. But intuitively I wanted it and it was lovely and cold and beer-ish).

So, I'm totally NOT being a good P3 person. OK so today - I had CHAI (I was cold - it snowed here a couple of days ago) and I know that's just sugar and carb-y. Lunch was better - we went to restaurant that serves burgers and fries (but upscale - the kind with the nifty phone where you place your order that way). I got my burger on lettuce (sadly the iceberg kind) and I didn't want the cheese. I just didn't want it. Who knows why because I love cheese. And a huge 32 oz. iced tea. And now I smell steak even though it's like 8:30 PM. We all got in late from work, soccer practice and so forth. So I'll eat it and then see what else I want to eat --- what will the scale do about that?

I was just SURE that if I ate even the remotest portion of bread or starch that my weight would skyrocket, and it hasn't... yet. So I stopped the shots on, say, March 30ish - it's April 11 - how long is the stricter P3 supposed to last anyway? And then what's after that? What do I eat - or try to eat and not eat until I try P2 again? Is it called P4 or something?

I don't want to do the P2 again until after all my conferences in May because I am too chicken to inject myself. Is it OK to wait longer than sooner to start P2 again, because I want to start in June..?

OK another issue (TMI TMI MOMENT - TMI TMI MOMENT) - what the hell is up with the huge resurgence of TOM? I was down to nothing thanks to the IUD and now, WHOOSH. Is this a good thing? I'm hating it. Unless hcg is like a Fountain of Youth thing and then I'll take that. (TMI MOMENT OVER - TMI MOMENT OVER).

I am, I admit, thinking of what might happen if I ever break into the 170's. I simply cannot imagine it. What if I broke into it by like next week or something? OMG!

Of course, 179.9 means that it will fluctuate a ton into the 180's but 179 is so much farther from the 190s... ahhhh. I want to turn my back on the 190s FOREVER. I am scared to give away my size 16's but I need to. I tried to put on my 14's this morning and they were just too big - not just a little bit but they were like baggy. So comfy compared to the size 10 sausage casing jeans that I still am courageous enough to squeeze into (LUCKY ME).

I have to shop because my spring clothes - well the dresses will be OK because they don't have to fit like pants, but other than that... I need to get some work stuff that's not too big. Because I have learned that even when I was 198, wearing baggy clothes just made me look fatter.

And I'm NOT interested in looking fat.

OK and now about my hair.

I went to Chad and got a hair cut. I LOVE this haircut every day more and more (nothing like weight loss to improve a hair cut). What does it look like, you ask?

Imagine, if you will, that Rod Stewart had sex with Florence Henderson (the mom on Brady Bunch) and produced a Bay City Roller/David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust child. It's all blondish but dirty and slutty streaky blonde. I have to straighten the hell out of it. It's SO 80's.

I LOVE it because no one else has this hair cut because no one else would WANT this haircut. But I love it. My friends have politely avoided the topic of the hair. Husband likes it because I have hair and it's on my head and so therefore that's enough for him.

OK. Dinner calls.

Emotional Hang Over Pass the Bread

Actually I have not gotten onto the scale as I hit town at 11 AM and had to do a court thingie at 1 PM - without my luggage because it did not make it from OKC (thank you American Airlines for spontaneously grounding your planes, and thank you Frontier for having a broken plane BOTH DIRECTIONS, such that I had to haul my butt through the Denver airport with family in tow, attempting to make a non-existent connection on United.

SO. Makeup and decent cute shoes and clothes were in the luggage. Today was a training - ate a half sandwich (miracles of miracles, I took off the cheese because it did not seem appealing. For me, this is akin to saying the Brad Pitt or Tom Selleck or (in my case) Alan Rickman is not appealing. Weird. Went out to dinner after training because of time with colleague and family. Went to Olive Garden. Check this out. I HAD THE SOUP. Again, what is that? I always get something huge and pasta-y. And I requested a side of ... dare I say it, steamed spinach, because - because... OK because I wanted it. Who is this person? I did eat a bread stick and perhaps two.

I am wearing my size 10 Lucky Jeans. Did you know that Lucky Jeans say "Lucky You" when you unzip them, but the position of these words are as if someone else is unzipping them? Nothing from Lane Bryant has ever said that on my clothes, which is a damn shame.

I didn't know you could get clothes that got all suggestive on you. What if I was in a wreck and the nurse in the emergency department unzipped these pants and it said "Lucky You"? Of course, I would be unconscious and so the embarrassment potential would be lowered.

I am still tired and sad. No Difficult Sister Sightings. But the training was invigorating (go read about Collaborative Family Law and you'll believe me, I promise) and it gave me hope that there are new ways to solve old horrible problems.

And I got to have a colleague whom I admire to my home and out to dinner and she was lovely and my spouse and son and I felt as comfortable with her as if we had known her forever, which is not a typical thing. So a new friend for our family and I remain grateful for that.

Thank you for reading my bleeding raw pain blogs these past few days. I am not a writer and this anonymous forum has been a healing place for me. I never re-read anything on here or I would freak out and delete it. Thanks for the support and encouragement.

Tomorrow I have to get back on the scale. And drink more water. And really really avoid bread a bit longer. And get back on the scale again.

But that's tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm playing The Tudors on the On Demand because next to Alan Rickman and my husband, I could eat that guy Jonathon Rhys Meyers with a spoon, even if he is only like 22 or something.

What I Could Do and I Did

So, my mother told me this morning that she wanted to go to Red Lobster. This was a shock to everyone in the nursing home because a) my mother has not wanted to LEAVE HER ROOM in months and b) my mother is wheelchair bound (by her own fear and choice to some degree). I asked the Director of Nursing about this and of course, we had to ask the permission of the GUARDIAN (the Difficult Sister). Because this was the third day of my visit here, I asked the D.O.N. to phone the Difficult Sister to get her permission. Of course, she wanted to speak to me directly.

After her harangue about how no one returns her phone calls, etc. etc. I was able to tell her, with sincerity, that I felt she had found a wonderful place for our parents and that I appreciated her efforts. For the most part, that was met with another volley of negativity. In the end, she said that while she felt that Red Lobster was too hard of a trip (which I agreed with at some level) I was able to wheedle out of her a ride in the car for my parents. Mind you, my parents have not been able to go for a ride in the car ANYWHERE since they were placed in the nursing home IN DECEMBER.

So, we jumped at that. Mother was bundled into the front of the rented Ford Focus, driven by husband, while my dad (who had to be reassured every 10 minutes who I was and where we were going) and my son (who was DREAMBOAT this trip - full of affection and love for two old people who are truly strangers to him) and I were in the back.

But, I back up. Before this, after the phone permission, the Difficult Sister phoned back and asked if she could "come up" which meant that she wanted to look at me. She always wants to look at me - she just can't help it.

So, I was infused by some kind of wonderful spirit, prayer, goddess, luck, what have you. She came in the room, I was able to feel PERFECTLY CALM (with no meds!) and even give a perfunctory hug, and my son also gave the appropriate Aunt Hug (although he knew the situation and was told to keep his mouth shut and be polite. He did it with style). She HAD to have noticed my weight loss - and she was bigger than I'd ever seen her, which I felt weirdly bad for but not too much. She DID NOT COMMENT on the weight loss, so no need to tell her the particulars. She wanted to know about my braces on my teeth instead. A safer topic, involving a crossbite problem. Actually I'm getting the whole mess of them capped when I'm ready. But why tell her.

Asked the Difficult Sister to lead us to the nearest McDonald's because the parents liked the cheeseburgers there once upon a time.

She looked at us like we were a comedy of errors - that it was a total mistake, etc. Mind you, my mother tends to use the restroom (post colon cancer/radiation= poor bowel control) every 20 minutes. We did not take the wheelchair. Felt like Depending upon the Depends.

Here's the best part. We drove through Nichols Hills - an old and rich part of OKC that had million dollar homes. My mother REMEMBERED. She remembered the homes, she remembered being a realtor, she REMEMBERED. She brightened up, she talked, she recollected. She was not negative. She did not demand to use the restroom.

We kept asking her if she was OK - she kept saying "let's keep driving." So we did.

It was sunny, the flowers were out, she talked and talked. She didn't look so desperate and depressed. It was glorious.

For the very first time since getting a PhD, I was able to do something that made my mother truly happy. There have been, literally about three or four times in my life that I have been able to do this in a way that I knew it made her happy. This was one of them.

We stayed out an hour and a half. The staff at the home were shocked and happy. They told me that she looked so very much better the last three days since we'd been there. One caregiver told me "We are all wanting ya'll to move here."

It was wonderful, validating and I feel so grateful, just to get that little moment with my mother and my dad. The Difficult Sister cannot "get" to me as easily now because they are in the care center. And the staff really know that the Difficult Sister can be really hard. The D.O.N. completely understood and I felt validated and like those folks had a different idea about my mother. I told them to call her "Tex" which has been her nickname forever, and I told them how to deal with my dementing dad, including calling me if he gets bad. They have my face now to the name. I feel like I had a little way to have an influence in their lives - just a tiny one -for the first time.

So, I phoned the Difficult Sister to let her know the drive went swimmingly. She of course hated it that it went well, and went on about how gee, she wishes she had the time to do the "fun stuff" but that she had to do all the work.

Her level of generally shittiness never ceases to amaze. But what's so weird, was that I didn't care at all. How is that?

Oh and here's the best part. Because my parents ate cheeseburgers (and I did eat fries and have some coke .. deeeelicious) at 3 PM, they missed their 5 PM dinner. SO, Biwi and her husband and my husband and me and my son - we went to Red Lobster and ordered out, and brought it in, and we all had a family style dinner in the small dining area, like the old days. I wasn't really hungry - too happy. Ate some grilled shrimp and some scallops. Ate one of those KILLER rolls.
Was full. Just watched my mother eat ALL of her dinner - I've never seen her eat some much. And we talked and teased and ate - dad ate his Walt's Shrimp - he was quiet but smiling.

It is a strange thing to be so filled with gratitude - given that I'm not religious (being cynical and agnostic and all) - but so filled that you wonder if you will burst.

This day was what I have needed. No matter what happens, I have had this day.

Food didn't matter, money didn't matter, even the Difficult Sister didn't matter. My husband and son stood by me, making it all possible. Biwi opened her home for us and let us do what we needed to do. And 1800.00 on American Express for three plane tickets was completely worth it.

I am grateful, too for my friends here. I read and re-read your supportive and loving comments. I feel like Rocky Balboa. I have looked the Steely Dragon in the eye and came away with my soul intact.

And I made my mother remember her real estate career. The next time I come down, she told me she wants to go to the old part of town where she lived when she moved to OKC 60 years ago. What a trip.

I hope they are alive and kicking when I can get back here again.

Our plane leaves at 6 AM. Have to find a way to sleep.

Thanks again my friends. I know this is all off topic re: hcg - (EXCEPT THAT THE D.O.N. ALSO WAS ON HCG so we bonded over that) - but it's what I needed to say.

xoxoxo

Your Brave (this time) and Very Lucky Hazel

Oklahoma, Covering Sadness and Horror with Food

Well, here we are. I brought my scale with me. However, TOM has appeared. But since I'm on P3 I'm not injecting so no worries there.

Arrived late last night. Did pretty well flying all day, including changing planes (read running my ass and my kid and hubby's asses off) in Denver. Ate relatively well- no way to avoid a piece of bread - but otherwise OK. Actually needed carbs last night at 1 AM - and I'm listening to my body not to Kevin Trudeau - had a fig newton and a cracker. Sister's house (this is Biwi's house) is the kind of place where there is always someplace comfortable to sit down, lay down, or stand. Something to read (truly this woman and her husband have OVER 10,000 volumes on everything ranging from her dictionary collection - I gave her the OED all 21 volumes of it when she turned 50) to the original Ozma of Oz), Something to eat (wonderful, bad for me, good for me, comforting food), Iced Tea at all hours of the day or night, and Something to watch on TV or Movie.

The best part is Biwi and her spouse Uncle M. And two reclining chairs and three mostly well behaved dogs. And two or three computers. No one demands anything of you in this house. No need to talk. No need to perform. No need to eat or not eat. No need to do anything but read or watch tv or just BE. Not really an "active" house too - no pressure there - If you want to go be active, you are welcome to do it.

Comforting. Safe.

So, no calls from The Difficult Sister. I slept like a rock last night. Then I got up, dressed up, sucked it up and Husb and Son and I went to see my parents at The Home. I was terrified at what I'd see.

First of all, The Home itself is pretty damn good, given that they are in the hospital care part.

My parents look terrible. My mother had fallen and had a bruised face and arm. She is in a wheelchair and won't even roll herself around. Makes me want to see about getting her a HoverRound - if I can. My dad recognized me and smiled. It was like a flood of relief that he recognized me. He did not remember my husband of 14 years or my son, but he was loving to my little boy all the same. My mother remembered them both and her head lifted a bit to watch him tell her about skiing the black diamond slopes or doing ballet (my son dances ballet 4 hours a week).

My mother is so angry and depressed and sad. And she will not do anything about it. I feel like the worst child ever. I felt like I abandoned her to the Difficult Sister but in the end, I know that even if I had stayed, this is how it would have ended up.

So, I went to Targer and bought her a dvd/vcr and then bought all of the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies I could find. And then Hee Haw, and Archie Bunker and Jimmy Stewart and whatever else I could get at Barnes and Noble. And we sat, her in her wheelchair and my father asleep in his recliner, and my husband on her bed, and me in the recliner that she refuses to use because she's terrified to leave her very uncomfortable looking wheelchair - and we watched Fred and Ginger hoof it up.

And my mother said "I love those old movies" and smiled.

So at least I could give her that.

The women - all gorgeous african american women who must have more patience between them than Job ever had - initially looked at me warily until I let them know that the Difficult Sister and I don't get along well and that I hoped she wouldn't keep erasing my name and phone number off my parent's white board telephone list. One said "Ooooh Girl! That sister of yours, she can really be so dang mean!" I said "Ooh girl, just try being related to her!!" Thank goodness for those women.

I took a sharpie, permanent ink, and put my name, with the word DAUGHTER and my state and two phone numbers back on the white board where the difficult sister had wiped it off. Put Biwi's number in permanent ink on there too. So FUCK HER when she tries to wipe it off. The caregiver said "oooh girl, she be taking that whole board off when she see that!" And they all laughed.

I felt like I had a little angel on my side there.

Here's another good part. No Difficult Sister Sightings at all. Indeed, I looked in the sign in book - she hasn't been there since at least the 31st. What the hell is that? She made such a big deal about being their caregiver, their guardian, the executor of their estate and now- no visits?

Oh well. I decided I'm not telling her how I lost this weight. She can figure it out on her own - or not.

So here is what I ate today: Eggs with Velveeta Cheese (OMG I'M IN HEAVEN). Half a hamburger pattie. Two bites of cottage cheese. Part of someone's rootbeer. I just couldn't eat. This is the first time that I could not eat. It's a strange experience for me. Usually I eat to deal with all emotions, or no emotions, or what have you.

I know I need to eat now. I'm trying to respect my hunger and eat - listening to what my body really wants. But also I don't want to down a bunch of carbs and blow the good work I've done.

So, when this is done, I'll opt for some lean turkey breast sandwich meat or something and then see if that's enough. The drink a bunch of water trick keeps working too.

My husband is a saint through all of this. We left my son with his aunt and uncle and went to Target for the DVD/VCR thing - and I just sobbed and could not stop. The sense that you missed it - that you should have done something, somehow - but what - that your family is not what you wished it was - and that YOU are not what you wished you were... it's all tied up in there and I have to just sort it out.

But I'm NOT going to let food just cover dealing with it. Let the "oh to hell with it" and eat everything and then feel bad, which is the kind of feeling bad I can handle, cover the kind of feeling bad about my parents and their lives - which I can't ... or which I haven't been dealing with - I'm not doing that.

Diet, no diet - whatever. I am tired of letting food -whether I eat it, don't eat it - whatever- distract me from the truth of what is going on.

At least I've gotten that far for today. The limitations of the hcg diet at least got me to that realization.

My brother was killed in an airplane crash when my mother was my age. He was 20 years old. I was 9. My mother sortof died that day. She stopped cooking and she threw herself into her work. She stopped being very connected to me too... if she ever was. Today I told her - "You lived through the great depression, world war II, and the death of your son." She said for the first time "that was the worst thing that ever happened to me." I said "I think you threw yourself into your work - and when you had your stroke and lost your health, and couldn't work - I think you don't know what to do." My mother knew exactly what I was talking about.

Food, work, it all acts as a cover - as a distraction from what is really happening. Diets, work, family, all of it - can be used this way. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Some things are too difficult to bear. Seeing my mother's bruised face, looking up at me from her wheelchair, and remembering her brilliant career and all of her old friends who are dead, and her vivaciousness - it was just too difficult to bear. But I didn't eat my way through it. Just sobbed later. And now too I guess.

Thanks for listening, my anonymous but kindly crew.

I find courage just being able to type this out loud is more than I thought I'd ever do.

P3 and Bragg Aminos

OK, let's just get right to it. I was "officially" on P3 yesterday. This is what I ate:

Went to french secretary's house for lunch. We had spinach with some lovely ham, and she made an olive oil/balsamic dressing. Oh and tomatoes. Also we had this lovely cheese from germany that had just a TOUCH of the old "blue" in it. And I ate a wee piece of bread - the kind with all sorts of nuts and seeds in it. YUM.

Then for dinner, after my "blue period" blog, (thanks for the support on that btw), I ate a chicken breast that had been lanquishing in Bragg's Aminos, something I love alot, grilled asparagus and that killer apple dessert with Z-sweet and cinnamon under the broiler, with a couple of dots of butter.

This morning, VOILA! 182! Can you EVEN BELIEVE IT?

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE AND STUDY THE WOMAN IN IT.

Ok, now I've got to talk about Bragg's Aminos. I love the taste but frankly, I love the bottle more. I have attempted to scan my bottle of Bragg's. I will try to put the picture somewhere on this, but if not, get your own bottle and have a look.

There's a picture of Patricia Bragg, entitled "Patricia Bragg, Health Crusader" on the label. She has a big smile, a straw hat with flowers on it, and what appears to be a convention of VOLES perched upon her shoulder. WHAT IS THAT? Someone should tell her. It's distracting.

Also, there's a bible verse reference, "3 John 2" which when I looked it up said:

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.

Which I thought was totally sweet. Uh oh, my font has changed. It's a MIRACLE! I love it that she also has it "kosher Certified" and that she says "the Lifestyle that will Keep you Ageless" on it.

The whole thing just makes me happy..

As it is, These Bragg Aminos just make you feel like you are doing something right. I soak chicken in it. I put it in eggs. I taste it and then compare to Soy Sauce and then back again when I am feeling Foodie and Bored.

SO.

Now, I must work on a case all day. Working at home has challenges because it makes me want to wander into the kitchen and munch away. Here's the Rule of the Day. If I feel hungry (in an unreasonable, noshing for the sake of noshing way) I'm going to drink 16 oz of water FIRST. Then if I'm STILL hungry, it's time for some protein. Let's see what happens. I would be SO STOKED to break that 182 tomorrow morning - but it's a LONG time before tomorrow morning, as everyone here completely knows.

The Tough Day

Without talking too much about my work - today I was assigned a case involving a violent death. It must have really taken it out of me. Plus, my Good Sis Biwi phoned to say that the Difficult and Pain in the Ass Sis "wants to know when you will be coming to see Mom and Dad."

I made the reservation for the trip and we're leaving Saturday. WHY the P.I.Ass sister has any need to know about when I arrive is frankly beyond me.

This sister has been emotionally abusive to me and Biwi and has no insight about it. She has ALL of the guardianship and control of my parents and we must go "directly through her" for any and all information about them. I grieved my parents and the thought that I could ever do anything for them, when she went to the Court and gained that control. Her son lives in my parents' home - the home I grew up in - him and his three illegitimate kids - I know, it's judgmental and who knows, maybe they're married - it's not the point - they are IN MY PARENTS' HOME. I am the only one who grew up in this home - the other sisters (they are twins) are 13 years older than me - they had moved out. I cringe to think of those people going through the things - the detritus of my childhood left behind. And I am "not allowed to go to the home unless P.I. Ass sister is present." FUCK HER.

I'm not going to the home. I'm not going anywhere near her. I just want to see my parents. Why do I have to tell her anything about when I'm coming? And why doesn't she just call me herself instead of Biwi? I am not interested in sharing my visit with my parents with her in the room - and fuck her if she tries that. But you know she will. I know she will.

She completely hates me. She has since I was a child - of course, I had NO IDEA this was the case - because it seemed too monstrous. I was a little kid - what could I have ever done to deserve that?

But she does. I finally had to accept it. But part of acceptance is that I am not playing ball with her. My parents are in their 80's. My mother is wheelchair bound and is sitting there, literally waiting to die. My father has dementia - so he's happy but can't have meaningful conversations with anyone. I am going. I had a court thing cancel so I can go. I don't want to go. I feel that I am a bad child because I don't want to deal with the difficult sister. My parents live very far away from me. It's more than a two day drive. They, especially my mother, have not been able to visit me or my family for over ten years. They did not, could not come, when my child was born. No one did. The family really consists of me and my sister Biwi because she was there in an emotional sense for me and always has been. The other sister hated both of us - we were simply not cool enough for her or something - I don't know - but now feels "ganged up on" which just KILLS me, as she is spending my parents' money, she is controlling everything, and has told both of us in no uncertain terms how much she hates us, with an amazing level of contempt.

I do not seek her out. Why can't she just leave me alone?

You would think that I could figure this out, but I can't.

And here's the thing that relates to weight and food. If she sees me, and sees me so much thinner now (I was thinner than her to begin with), then her hatred will be higher. I know it. I can FEEL it. Part of me wants to say Na Na Na - but a bigger part is afraid. She's scary when she's jealous.

Will I overeat because I want to Fit In to my old roots back home? Will I overeat because my healthy eating will make her think that I'm just "showing off" which she has said about my practice, my education and everything else, I shit you not.

Will I overeat because of the tension and anxiety I feel? Why the FUCK did she have to stir the pot? Why the FUCK does she have to know my every move?

I don't want to interact with her at all. AT ALL. But I don't want to have an embarrassing scene, which is what she counts on. I just want to politely be with my parents, ALONE.

She called last month and I picked up the phone (because I didn't look at caller ID) and she said "when are you coming to visit?" and I told her "end of March." So now, why does she call my local Biwi sister to find out?

I told Mom on the phone that I'd visit her on Sunday. I suppose Mom remembered or who knows.. Perhaps she tape records every phone call that Mom has with me. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.

WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to see or talk to this person. But she is going to press it, counting on me not to make a scene.

Well, now you all know my dirty family skeleton shit.

Better put it here than talk about it with P.I.Ass Sister directly. Don't want to give her the satisfaction. I am done. The last time she called and screamed at me, and put me on a list of people who were "not allowed" to contact my parents WHEN THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, I was done. I have hours of history of telephone conversations in which she literally screams at me and tells me "this is the way you can help our parents. by allowing me to 'vent' on you."

I am done.

But I can feel her and that she's gonna make a scene.

HELP!

Dr. T. and more Braces on my Teeth

Well, I saw Dr. T today. He remained tolerant of my bizarre anxiety and blabberyness. I am at 182.8 on his scale. I am calling that my LIW. I guess it should be LIW = 183. So I had a shot on Saturday but not Sunday (hubby went skiing early and we just forgot about it by the time he got back.) Had a shot on Monday but not Tuesday or Wednesday. So I guess I'll be attempting to keep myself on "phase 2" until Thursday... or NOT! HEH HEH.

Dr. T said that I've lost about 5% body fat (but I'm still half lard, I swear to god) and it's about a 17 pound loss overall. And that's with a SHIT LOAD of cheating like a mad woman.

I went to the site that's hcg recipes for Phase 3 and was SO HAPPY to see Pumpkin PIE OMG!!! And I think Biz has a link to this low carb site where the chick is making some kind of bizzarro low carb bread called and oopsie. I am intensely curious about the nature of this bread.

I think it's because it carries the label "BREAD" that I so curious about it.

OK - so also, I got MORE braces not LESS and my teeth are killing me. They never hurt before in my Orthodontic Journey so this was a horrid shock. And of course, dinner was a very delicious and expensive portion of that grass fed beef - a new york steak. I was LICKING the steak because I literally could not chew it. Then I got really mad because even in teeny bites, I just had to swallow it without chewing it at all, like a wolf or a coyote or something. And my teeth still hurt anyway.

So I dug through the medicine cabinet and found a dusty Lortab. I took it. A half and hour later, I re-heated the steak and chewed happily in a Lortab haze. Lortab is nasty stuff though because it also creates nausea and in me, a pronounced slur of speech, making me sound like Liza Minnelli after a rough night out with Joel Grey.

My teeth STILL hurt. So what to eat? I'm hoping for Nice Soft Fish. I can't think of what else would work.

Thanks for the support gentle readers. P3 here I come.

STOPPING THE SHOTS

Well, I've stopped the shots. I think that after 30 days of it, they do lose their potency - actually I'm a little past 30 days. I'm still at 185 so I'm OK with that. Fifteen pounds this first time isn't bad.

I need to go back and read Simeons about what exactly I CAN eat - like I'm actually hoping for carrots and squash - I do understand about bread, pasta and rice - although if I can't stand it, I'm gonna do the brown versions of those items.

I long and lust for CHEESE - I know, I know, in moderation. I'm happy to be off Yerba Dirt Tea. I found out that Swerve IS Z-Sweet so that's a good thing.

I went to the Health Food Market and bought my organic chicken, steak and BUFFALO (hee hee) which I had ground into Buffalo Burgers (4 oz. each) and I'm still going to eat my George Forman Grilled Meat with Spinach/Asparagus or what have you because I like eating that way if I can.

I have NO urge for a coca cola and if you knew me you would be shocked to hear this.

I long for chocolate. I did nibble the ears on my kid's easter bunny and that was a nice treat.

I'm also looking at this stuff on Intuitive Eating more closely - trying to just LISTEN to what my body wants - not just eat because it's there.

But I'm nervous. But other people do this phase - let's see.. three? The part after VLCD and are OK.

How long before I make my next round of VLCD and shots again?

I'll let you know what Dr. T says. Damn, 15 pounds is not record breaking but I can comfortably wear size 12 and can sleazily wear my 1o's and that in and of itself is a miracle.

On the down side:
1) Court tomorrow and it's a weird and sad case and I have to sit with the parents and tell them what I think about their kids/their parenting and so forth.

2) My parents are failing and so because I had a big cancellation in my schedule I am taking hubby and son and flying to OKC this saturday to see them. I am scared because they are now in a nursing facility, my mom is wheelchair bound (frankly because of her own stubbornness and now she really is waiting for death) and my dad has pretty significant dementia. He still remembers me though - I think.

3) I got braces last year (yes I know, at my age? But it was time) and I THOUGHT I was getting them off today. But the orthodontist and the dentist talked and now they decided to fix my crossbite after all so I got MORE BRACES today. My mouth hurts like hell AND trying to chew my steak was ridiculous. And grass fed beef is 14.00 per pound dammit.

But: I am 15 lbs down, have great family and friends, and did I say I'm 15 pounds down? For as much "cheating "as I did, that's not so bad I think.

But no more shots? I forgot to get one on Sunday, then had one on Monday, then decided to stop today. So I guess I still eat program until when....Thursday? Friday? I'll do my best and watch the scale like a hawk.

XO to you all. And when can I go back on the shots again?

xxoxo

Back on Track but Still Nervous about the Future

Well, yesterday I went back on the protocol - and voila 185.3 this AM. I am still on protocol today and don't think I'll waver, so I expect another loss... HOPEFULLY... tomorrow. I'd really really like to bust through the 180 mark.

I think I've been on the injections for about a month. Dr. T says 40 days and he didn't mention taking a break either, so we'll watch and see what happens to losses, etc.

I am feeling guilty because I cheat so much on this thing - like.. have I wasted the hcg experience on Phase One? Or is this VLCD and injection actually Phase Two?

Also, I know that you still eat on protocol for three days after injections cease and then you can eat any meat, veggie or fruit as long as you don't eat starch. So I guess whole wheat pasta/bread and so forth are out. Carrots too? Squash too? Sigh. How long does that part last? And then what? When do I go back on the hcg shots again?

I suppose I need to just go back and read Simeons again. I wish there were current studies (and Kevin Ick Trudeau does NOT count) that I could cling to about this. (My never ending need for brain info). However, it's amazing that when you eat your fish/beef/chicken and your asparagus/spinach/grapefruit, you lose weight pretty damn fast. And if you don't, you either don't lose or horrors, gain it.

What is going to happen after I stop the injections? What if all the weight just comes flying back on?

Nervous nervous nervous.

VIVA LAS VEGAS

Well Well Well.

My first experience of traveling and eating out and it has to be in Vegas, of all places. If we'd gone to visit the Amish, I think it would have been easier.

However, I did my best. For being gone five days I only lost it a couple of times. Like Tequila - I don't think that's on this diet. Or BREAD OMG BREAD. We avoided buffets Thank God.

Still, it wasn't all bad. Scale read 187.00 so that means that it was 2.5 lb gain. Not bad. We went Mexican and I had fajitas - because a) chicken and shrimp are in them and b) grilled onions and peppers. Only had one tortilla to wrap it in (I was thinking "isn't this like a grissini?") but the chips and salsa were downfalls. I did over an hour of cardio on two days and lifted weights like mad also. That seemed to help my mood some.

But, back in the saddle again today. Let's see - asparagus, fish, one grapefruit (with that Swerve sprinkled on it - heavenly) steak. Oh and spinach. I'd love some damn bread. I keep telling myself - "taking it off is harder than keeping it off. Bread will come in it's own time" which seems to help a little bit.

All in all, I didn't go completely nuts. I didn't just say Oh to HELL with it all, which I thought I would. Not even once. Just ate some bread and cheese at one point but did not binge on it. And the chips one time. And little teeny things here and there. I was sure I'd come back with a five pound gain.

So, let's see what a day of being virtuous will do for me. I am proudly sipping my organic chamomile tea and hope I'll be asleep before the late night munch fest hits.

I'm so glad to be away from all those lights and stimulation - over stimulation!

Pizza

Pizza. Man it was DEEEELICIOUS! I must say that fat and salt (and a million other chemicals that I know were in Pizza Hut Deep Dish Meat Lover's Pizza) are true flavor enhancers. It was like being on crack. Actually I have never BEEN on crack - but the sense of not wanting the flavor/taste experience to stop, despite being full - that must be what crack is like.

So I gained, of course. But weirdly, it was OK. It was an experience. It was DEEELICIOUS. But one cannot do that every day. And besides, what's the point of eating like that every day? It then dulls the taste of other foods that are decent and upstanding citizens of the Food World. Like the Noble Asparagus. The Hardy Grass Fed Beef Steak (100g). The Sexy Grapefruit (pink and juicy and just like a slutty girlfriend if you know what I mean).

And now, I had my shrimp/chicken and some onion/broccoli stir fry when I went out to lunch and feel FABULOUS.

Tomorrow we head to Vegas. We have to get the hell out of here just to get a break. We found a hotel on the strip at Priceline.com for 65.00 per night. It has a pool. And a Spa. I will be extremely interested about how I deal with the food.

See you on Thursday or Friday.

Sleep Is Necessary

Guess what happens when you allow your ADHD self to be caught by this little game involving keeping a farm going on the computer, and you stay up late? And then you can't calm down? And then it's 2 AM? And then you eat some organic bread? But don't feel guilty because you are so TIRED and COLD! (I am really cold lately).

Nothing happens. You lose .2 lbs and you are just FINE thank you very much.

I went out to eat - these Marriage/Family Therapy types wanted to pick my brain at lunch, about how to get their own practices going, which is fine. There's enough work for everyone. But you'd think they'd pick up my lunch!

But I ordered halibut on a bed of lettuce with veggies. But I just wasn't hungry at all. I tried to eat it all - but I honestly couldn't. I drank my iced tea. I have HAD IT with Yerba Dirte Mate. At least for now.

But now I am hungry. And the rest of the family is ordering pizza. Hmmmm. Will She? Won't She? I'll muddle through. Bet I eat a bite of it though. I am NOT declaring ANY FOOD as bad. Husband is sick and when Him Is Sick, then the Universe stops. And he just can't face cooking for himself and our little guy. Which means I am involved. But I am sick too. But I am a WOMAN! Which means that, while I am as sick as he is, and while I did not get to sleep until past 3 AM, and while I had clients all day until past 5, I must arrange dinner somehow.

Hence the pizza option. Plus we have our sweet friend J's stepdaughter over here because her grandfather died (unexpectedly and out of town) and F and J need to fly out of town to take care of this. Thank God M is such a sweetie - even though she's a teenager! And so pizza is also for her as well.

One thing that will help with the Pizza Dilemma is that I AM wearing the slutty jeans today. I got them from a friend - I can't remember who though - and they are "lucky brand" and a 31. What kind of size is that? The waist is higher than I am used to - so there is some Muffin Toppage going on. But I don't care. I zipped them up. They are topped with a little white sweater thingie and some Fry Boots on my feet. With tall heels because short fat women look less fat in tall heels. I feel like I'm in the 1970's again.

Wish me luck. I am glad others hate KEVIN TRUDEAU. I am glad that I am a HUGE CYNIC and you know what? I STILL believe this is sortof a big load of crap. But I'm still here and I'm in my skanky tight jeans.

But if I don't get to bed EARLY tonight, I'll be in trouble in many ways - read noshing on late night cold pizza.

Never Be Scared of the Scale

Thanks for all the support for the previous post. Here's the update.

1) Went in and just started bawling all over Dr. T. I think it's because a) I hadn't had a period like that in awhile and so perhaps hormonal and b) got completely sick with a cold then next day (whole family had it) and c) my parents are in their 80's and I have to go to see them and it is painful because they have serious memory loss and I have a very difficult sister who has all the control over them (legal, financial, etc.) whose loser son is now living rent free in our family home, driving their car and so forth. I can't do anything about this situation and the idea of paying 1200.00 to fly back to see them is daunting - I don't know if they'll notice I'm there - I mean I think they will - I do talk to them on the phone, but dad, especially, cannot remember much. So it was on my mind and has been.

2) When I started bawling all over Dr. T., this is what he did. He closed the door, got a tissue for me and then ENVELOPED ME IN A BIG HUG and let me cry all over his nice shirt. I have never had a physician (except for the sweet Dr. K but that's a different issue) be this kind to me. I felt completely cared about.

3) On Monday, I had only lost .25 pounds. However, he has me on these amino acids and noted again that I had lost fat and gained lean. He showed me my printouts from 2/22 when I first went in for my consultation and where I was Monday. I have lost approximately 20 lbs of fat and put on about 7 of lean or more. The rest was water I guess. He told me he was proud of me, to hang in there and gave me my big old painful B shot in my shrinking butt (still ample enough though!)

4) Sweet husband gave me injections starting Monday AM. This morning, the scale said...... 183.6. NO KIDDING. I vowed not to be afraid of the scale ever again.


183.6. I am closer to 180 than to 190 and of course not near 200! This amazes me. I feel better on hcg and I wonder if my little break from it made it work better? Or if I just feel better on it because I'm sensitive to it? Or what?

OK other news. Dr. K. tells me I am low in my blood count on vitamin D and she wants me to take 1000 mg per day in a supplement. Anyone think this will cause a problem?

I can't believe it was 183.6. I know it will be higher tomorrow because I didn't plan and so had a piece of organic bread and some bologna for lunch, running out the door. But I'm sitting here eating my grapefruit and waiting for the sea bass on the grill (it's gotten warm enough today that it almost feels like spring, and given that it snowed like mad on the weekend (7 inches on my car) I'll take it).

My brain in changing about food. Slowly. Surely. It is and I can tell. I was up late and watched the Intuitive Eating guy on TV who made ultimate sense with his four rules 1) eat when you are hungry 2) eat what you want 3) eat consciously - meaning no tv, no distraction, and put down the fork between every bite of it. I fell asleep and so don't know rule 4 - but this made sense. I don't want to label foods as "good" or "bad" - my friend InterplanetJanet has been teaching me about this. Listening to my body - not just my BRAIN - and thinking about what the body NEEDS is important. So oh well about the 1 piece of organic bread with bologna. I had organic mustard on it so there.

I was at the gas station today in the Rental Car (my VW is still wrecked and in the shop until the 12th of Never). I think I got a Real Look from some nondescript looking man. I'm not sure. I could not tell. But I think it was a look. I actually TUCKED MY SHIRT INTO MY JEANS TODAY. Also, I am on the last buckle thing on my belt. I need to poke a hole in this belt because it's cute and it was expensive and I'm not tossing it.


TMI ALERT TMI ALERT - also, my BRA is finally ... bagging? looser? This I thought would never happen because my breasts are legendary .. I mean in a good way. And those damn bras were specially fitted by a corsetier and that means they were expensive ($65 and up). Oh well.

TMI ALERT OVER TMI ALERT OVER.

Thanks for reading my blog my pals. Thanks for lending support. I'm not stopping until I break 160. I know that's a lofty goal - but I think well hell, that's only 25 pounds away. I can't imagine what that will be like.

xoxo I smell Sea Bass.

Losing Faith

Well, I stopped the hcg injections during the period phase. What a disaster. Trying to go back on the diet after the hcg stopped even for a couple of days was extremely difficult. So far, I have "cheated" every single day since the period began. I told husband to just re-start the injections. I am asking Dr. T what the HELL was he thinking having me go off the shots just for period. Now, I am ravenous. I am scared to step on the scale, which is stupid because the "worst" thing I did was have two pieces of whole wheat bread (organic) with horrors, one piece of turkey bologna.

In addition to my steak, asparagus, two poached eggs and a few strawberries.

And that's IT for today, although last night was Hubby's brother's birthday. Again, not too bad - Cuban Chicken (had potatoes, onions, chicken sans cigar, raisins) and black beans (tablespoon full) and 2 inches (literally) of whole wheat bread stuff, yes with butter - a little, and a smidgeon of carrot cake. And salad. And again, felt terrible the next AM.

The meal before that was a day of decent eating and then sushi after a movie. The white rice is the big no no.

But no alcohol, no chocolate binges - not even MILK at this juncture.

But going with absolutely no carb on this diet without the hcg has been ridiculous.

And also, I can't help but think those fucking shingles have been part of this.

SO. I have a million questions for Dr. T tomorrow - including asking why, given how NOT hungry I've been, am I RAVENOUS NOW?

Please god don't say I have to "fat load" again. I am scared, literally, to get on the damn scale.

That is NONSENSE. I am getting on the scale in the AM. Scared of a scale is stupid.

Besides, I can just keep swinging at it.

But my "fat" jeans (the 14s) feel tight today.

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT

No more going off hcg and I don't care WHAT ANYONE SAYS until it's "time" because I feel like I'm starting all over again, and after all this hard work too.

WTF? A Period? NOW? TMI TMI TMI ALERT

Ok just know that this whole blog is one big giant too much information section. Just skip it, especially you squeamish.

So, my period makes it's arrival with a fanfare. Where the HELL has it been? Who does it think it IS, just waltzing in like this? So WHO CAN TELL ME WHY WHY WHY we can't have the hcg shot during the period? Is it because it is EVIL and I should be sitting in a Menstrual Hut with the other Shunned?

I missed it this AM anyway because I had a telephone conference with the Court at the pre-crack of dawn (8 AM - I know, I am spoiled) and so I just wandered to the office with greasy hair and did it and then home to shower and eat (did get a George Foreman Grill - love love love it) turkey (fuck you Kevin Trudeau) and spinach and tomato, and then back to work - so no time for the shot anyway.

Am I going to gain weight if I don't have the shot? If I keep losing weight on the shot, does this mean the shot is bullshit and I don't need it anyway? If Dr. T said that 500 cals per day is starvation without the shot, then what happens this week without the shot?

And finally, can I just go eat sushi tonight anyway? What if I bring my Bragg Aminos in my purse? (How tacky) and don't eat any rice in my sushi?

I am having all these second thoughts about this diet again because weight isn't falling off - but then again, I am having third thoughts, like "hey, this is no diet - this is the way that you eat." and telling my family that it is ok if they eat my food (esp my shrimp divided into tidy baggies of 4 oz each) on "my" shelf in the fridge because if it's good for me, then it's good for them, right?

But the period. Dammit. Does hcg somehow make it re-appear after it had made only intermittant and piffling appearances for months?

Also, someone told me today that hcg increases your cancer risk. Is this true?

However, that same someone who had not seen me in a couple of months said I looked MARVELOUS!

So there.

I suppose Midol is not on Kevin Trudeau's Diet but SCREW YOU KEVIN TRUDEAU!

Eating Out and Off the Diet

Well, hubby got accepted into a university program so he can pursue his teaching degree, so we went out to celebrate.

I've been on vlcd for two weeks. Seems like longer. We went to Italian restaurant (read PASTA) with our dear friend J and also sweet son H. I ordered a salmon on a bed of spinach and red pepper. I also consumed a spinach salad beforehand. I ate my dinner, it was so very very good. I ate two bites of the dessert that came to the table with four forks. I had a ROLL! With butter! I drank water (just didn't want wine), had a taste of someone's pasta, and so forth. I was pretty full at the end. I had no "OMG NO!" feelings. I also thought "You can't eat like that every night- or even every week if you still want to drop pounds though." But it wasn't punitive in thinking. Just honest.

I feel pretty good this AM except (TMI TMI TMI ALERT - diarrhea continues - who knows why... TMI TMI ALERT OVER). As it is, I was able to wear.. SIZE 10 Pants! They were tight and I was felt just a tiny bit like a two bit hooker in them, but I persevered. Plus wore a tasteful sweater set on top. They fit like my size 12's used to fit - wearable but iffy. So it was a wee little thrill for me.

Now, off to work. The Shingles are still here - I wonder for how long?

A New Twist

First things first: 186.8! It's only a small loss but hey, it's a loss! So yesterday's Come to Jesus didn't screw me up for good. And I used the Swerve Sugar in the Apple Crisp and it was so very lovely. Plus Amy's Organic Dijon Mustard, which after looking on the label, appears to be "OK" re: Simeon and evil K Trudeau.

Anyway. Went to work out with Trevor. My endurance is so totally down it's not even funny. He is patient with me and encouraging. He noted that when you only eat 500 cals per day ("or so" if you're me) then you simply don't have enough energy to do much. He said "It's like pushing your car to work versus just getting in it and turning the engine on." He also noted that we are not going to try to build big muscles but just "touch" the ones I have in order to minimize lean muscle loss. Hubby went fishing with his sweet old brother (ice fishing - you must have to be from Michigan to appreciate this) - so he missed our workout.

Trevor and I had this conversation about the mental place you get when you first begin to really really really surrender to the food thing. He said "I see people put high octane fuel in their car and then drive through McDonald's." He also (man he was really on a Car Metaphor today) said - this food thing and regular weight loss is gratifying. Your real challenge will be when it no longer is new. It's like getting a new car. Then you have to continue to drive it and the newness wears off. And it will stall, just like you will likely hit a plateau. It's how you handle the ongoing eating and what you do when the plateau hits that counts." I love Trevor. He has been so patient with me for almost two years now. He listens to me vent and vent about my internal world with patience. It's like when a patient of mine tells me after a year of treatment "if I get active and do more social things, and if I take my anti-depressant, I really feel better!" I nod sagely and think "Yeppers, it's what I've been telling you for the entire year" but I realize that everyone must come to what the come to in their own time.

So, then I go see Dr. T. My weight loss for the week is almost three pounds, which is low. We then get on the Body Fat Measure Scale. I can't tell what the numbers mean - he's got a full waiting room today and I don't want to bug him. But he is perplexed and says this "It looks like you've lost ten pounds of fat and gained 7 pounds of muscle." WHAT? He wonders why this is. I remind him that I need a re-supply of amino acids. Then he says "Oh! That must be it! I don't typically put people on aminos when they are on hcg - but this must be what is happening - you are losing fat but at this point, you are gaining lean." I said "So I should be happy? Sad? Be more stringent with the diet?" He smiled and said "Be Happy." I said "Are YOU happy?" and he was. Who knows - the aminos plus the hcg may be an even better combination.

Trevor and Dr. K tell me that aminos are essentially protein, like the stuff you get in protein drink, but it's in pill form so it doesn't taste all horrid. Dr. K says that amino acids are the building blocks of all cellular function. Trevor and Dr. T say that they build your lean muscle tissue. So, perhaps you lose a ton initially (with half being water) on hcg with aminos (and I have improved in my amino intake lately.) Maybe I'll be some kind of hcg/amino test case.

The news is not all happy though. I apparently, according to Dr. T. have developed a case of Shingles! I have never had a shingle, or herpes sore on my mouth, or anything. He said "have you had the chicken pox?" "yes" "Then shingles are possible." The appear of course, under times of stress. They appeared immediately after the car accident. Also this diet is dramatic and likely a shock to my system.

I think the name is creepy. How about 'Little Painful Dots in a Group on your Bum Syndrome?"

Shingles. Sounds like something you'd put chipped beef on (aging myself here).

Revelations and Also Move Over Stevia!

Well, first of all, I've had a Come to Jesus with myself about this diet. First of all, I have noticed at different times, I was just exhausted, almost to the point of tears. Other times, no exhaustion at all. I have decided that certain things about this diet make sense, and other things are just plain silly.
First, the No Breakfast thing is ridiculous. This is not 1950's Rome and I am not Sophia Loren smoking cigarettes and having a black espresso for breakfast. This morning I decided that I would eat a "brunch" like a NORMAL PERSON. I had a TWO egg omelet with 35 calories of low fat swiss cheese (the size of a matchbook cover) and steamed asparagus and chopped green onion thrown in. I rubbed the pan with butter (5 seconds). I ate this with lovely hot tea (NOT YERBA DIRT) and had my whole organic grapefruit. I listened to Bach. I read a women's magazine. It was WONDERFUL. I also remembered my amino acids the doc has me on, so far all day today.
Next, this No Massage this is also silly. While my body might absorb some kind of mineral oil, I don't think I can process it (imagine drinking the stuff) and so I had a two hour massage coming to me at Massage In A Box (a gift from someone and while it's not quite like having the best - B. M. you know who you are - it was helpful. Indeed this therapist was really really good. It helped my sense of sensual starvation and body boredom that comes with this diet. So FUCK YOU KEVIN TRUDEAU! Heh heh.
Next, I realize that Water Is The Key. For example, I had some eggs last night b/c I couldn't face fish again (despite lunch being pretty damn good). Then later I had chicken broth. You can't help but notice the salt in chicken broth, even if it's Organic Chicken Broth (which it was). Warm Chicken/Veggie Broth before bed (e.g. at 8 PM) made me so happy. Yum Yum. And then I (initially) thought ... oh no! I'm cheating! I'll just gain on this broth! Then I took myself in hand and said "Stop this nonsense thinking. Your dog gets more calories than you on this diet. Salt will make you retain water. Drink alot of water." So I did. Tons of it. (AVERT YOUR EYES FOR HERE COMES A TMI MOMENT) And had great sex - nothing like that to keep your mind off food. TMI MOMENT OVER .... TMI MOMENT OVER.... And this morning I was 187.2. HA HA! Not a huge loss by Simeon/Trudeau standards, but jeez, that makes it 12.5 pounds (understand some is water) since 2/27/08 - in eleven days.
And I feel SO MUCH BETTER today. Cheery, attempting to whistle, etc. I realized that the word "cheating" should truly be reserved for the time that I (and I don't think this will happen but who knows) just go nuts and eat Taco Bell and alot of it at that, and Coca-Cola and stuff like that. Maybe eating an entire package of Girl Scout Cookies or something. But putting 1/2 of a piece of cheese (that is low fat to begin with and totals 35 calories) in your 2 egg omelet - I am just not going to think about that as a huge sin. Portion control, however I believe in. And certain choices of food are truly verboten (e.g. white flour, white potato or anything outrageously carb-y now). You can't have a 6 egg omelet. You can't eat an 8 oz. fatty steak and a baked potato (think of the sugars pouring in and fucking with your glycemic index...) But I am going to listen to my body first and watch the scale and see if my body is incorrect or if this diet is NOT one size fits all.

OK here is the other killer thing I discovered. I was in the Whole Food/Wild Oats hunting for something called "Z-Sweet" because some of the recipes called for it on hcgrecipes.blogspot.com and stumbled across something brand new called SWERVE. You MUST try this Swerve stuff. No carbs, no calories, no nothing - made from fruit - no chemicals and it's granular and it, and I am not making this up, TASTES EXACTLY LIKE SUGAR. I even did a blind taste test (as close as 'blind' as I could get) and I could not tell the difference.

For those of you who know me - this is like the Holy Grail. Because I HATE HATE HATE all forms of sugar substitute, including that powdery substance "Stevia" which in most instances isn't truly all that bad... but SCREW YOU STEVIA because Swerve beats the crap out of Stevia.

I immediately poured myself a glass of Yerba Ick Dirt Potion Iced Tea and had a sip (ICK ICK BLECH). Then I wantonly plunged the spoon into the Swerve bag and had two helping teaspoons of it in my glass of iced tea!

Wonderment! Hallelujah Chorus! Cheering! I cannot believe it. I am now drinking the Yerba Mate Potion like it is Mead from Heaven.

I pause a moment to reflect that despite my somewhat more realistic and improved attitude towards this diet phase of my life, my rhapsody over a sugar substitute still smacks of someone who is a bit.. narrow in her focus?

Fuck that! HALLELUJAH!

Is Eating Broccoli a Crime?

Had my first P2 eating out experience today. Went to the Supremo-Healthy-O-Restaurant, where I had four little grilled shrimp with no oils and broccoli steamed, because they had none of the requisite veggies but salad but it was iceberg lettuce which is too depressing for words. Iceberg lettuce should be fed to people as a punishment. I might as well eat stiff paper.


However, my loss was less than half a pound (I'm at 187.8) - which I know I should be happy about but jeez. Also, got HUGE AND PAINFUL stomach cramps last night and slept with heating pad on stomach. WTF?

Cramps subsided when I ate, which was my own nifty version of a beef taco (strips of the cooked steak, heated up with cumin, chili powder, garlic, onion powder, salt and pepper plus a teeny bit of organic salsa (I looked at the ingredient list and there wasn't anything on there that was verboten). So I heated it all up and then wrapped it in a decent Romaine lettuce left (actually I made three of these mini-lettuce tacos) and then ate it up.

I was full and then stomach felt weird and I just could NOT bring myself to eat the fruit item. I ate the teeny (meaning size of ping pong ball) organic lemon instead - hell, we can have the juice of it, so would this count as a fruit?

However, these two transgressions - lemon vs regular fruit and broccoli versus another veggie- did this make me lose LESS WEIGHT?

This makes no sense.

I will cleave to the diet religiously today. Except my hubby broke my new tea pitcher in the dish washer, but as he was loading the dishwasher I have no complaint.

I'll have to have more of the Yerba Dirt Potion. I've skipped that the last couple of days.

Cheating

I did it. I cheated. I wasn't really able to sleep last night and so.. I cheated. I ate a 100 g chicken breast with a cup of skim organic milk.

MAY GOD FORGIVE ME.

I woke up and guess what - 189.9 pounds. Dammit.

Can this also be because the chicken I've been eating is like coated with poultry seasoning salt? Or is this just wishful thinking?

I work up with firm resolve not to cheat today. So, I drank the potion, worked out with Trevor (my arms are killing me) and then went home and made chicken soup from abovementioned chicken, plus 99% fat free chicken broth... BUT IT WASN"T ORGANIC! And I ate a grapefruit. I was feeling, and I know this sounds crazy, COMPLETELY FAT AND FULL. How can this be? I forgot the vegetable completely.

Kevin Trudeau will likely swoop down with his winged monkeys and chastize me for this.

I loved drinking that milk. I had to realize, though that I figured milk was a great thing if it was both SKIM and ORGANIC. But do you know how much sugar is in milk? Like 11 grams! Of Sugar? What are those cows eating? No wonder I like it so much. Ice cream? You can keep it? Yogurt? I scoff at yogurt. But a cold glass of milk. Ahhh.

So now I'm at the office for a minute (ok it is now three hours) and am drinking my water dutifully. I think I need a massage after the car accident but where can I find a massage where they won't use unapproved oil? A dry massage is just not worth it. Maybe I can bring in my own product, assuming there is such a thing.

Perhaps it would be better to go home and finish my report. The one that won't die.

Cheating. Well, you pay for it the next morning. Dammit. How can 1 cup of milk and a teeny piece of fat free chicken put on a pound?

GRRRR

Eat Steak Eat Steak Eat a Big Steer!

Well, even if it's cheating - I had deelicious steak (and I added red wine to the pan a couple of times but it just seemed to sortof burn up) and the great onion soup recipe that I found on someone else's blog and I don't know how to list it here yet. I used canned beef broth for the onion soup and Trudeau will likely pee his criminal pants because it's not "organic" but I do not GIVE A FLYING... Anyway. The onion soup was wonderful. It was warm. It was yummy. I feel completely full. And I keep thinking "I've overeaten! I've overeaten!" How can that be? I ate my grapefruit (can we have a whole grapefruit?) and I used 30 calories worth of beef broth and - ok ok I did rub the stick of butter over the bottom of the pan (it was for about 7 seconds this time)- for the onions. Will I gain weight tomorrow?

My pants feel tight. HOW CAN THIS BE?

I think I'm going to drink a crap load of water and hope that any and all salts and whatever are taken care of in this way.

How can it be that I am not interested in eating my requisite fruit item?

I got my first sweet and helpful comments today (thanks you guys) about the period and the IUD and all. So I'm just injecting anyway and damn the torpedoes.

I feel SO FULL. Did I eat too much?

Less Than A Pound!

Well, today is the first day that I have gotten on the scale and registered LESS than one pound loss. I was 189.6 yesterday and was 188.8 today.

And the things that go through my head are interesting in a way.

First I think IMMEDIATELY: "What did I do wrong yesterday?" And of course, I come up with some answers, e.g. Kevin grilled the chicken breasts outside in his Usual Way - which meant there were plenty of spices and salt on them. Perhaps I had too much salt? Then I think, well the car accident yesterday left me pretty stiff and sore - I KNOW I did not have as much water as I should have - maybe I'm retaining water. And finally (if you are squeamish and do not want too much information, do not read on, given that this blog is really just for me anyway)... Finally, I am getting breakthrough bleeding - my period has been erratic and wacky since the IUD and also since hitting 45 - maybe this has something to do with it - but it's not "period" per se - just a hint of color and so... what to do? My chat friends and Simeons and even Dr. T say "no shots during period" but this doesn't feel like period - not like a real one that would require... um.. accouterments or other products in order to manage it.... And Dr. K. says it's not a real period because the IUD makes everything stupid anyway.

So, I'm going to wait and see. But I am going to drink a boat load of water. Come to think of it, my "skinny jeans" which as size 12 jeans I got from my friend A. are tight today - maybe I'm a bloat princess and the water will just come off as easily as it has been retained? I KNOW that I am not gaining more fat, because I DID NOT CHEAT! Even a teensy bit! Not even a taste of a half of french fry that laid on my son's plate as I passed (quickly) through the kitchen.

Did you know that food you may not eat because you are choosing to restrict the type and amount of intake you have.. that the food actually TALKS? Indeed, it's true! This particular french fry spoke in a voice not unlike Tiny Tim and it said "look at me all forlorn - and I am so very small and recall how good I taste? Or do you just reject me outright?" (The poor fry had low self esteem - you know how I like to help others out..) But then I realized IT WAS A PLOT! I could hear the murmuring of the other, larger fries left on the plate and knew, at that moment - they were just using the Tiny Tim fry as a way to get my mouth open, and then? A Fry Melee, that's what! So SCREW YOU LEFTOVER WENDY'S FRIES!!!

I wonder if mild psychosis is part of the hcg diet. I think in three years I need to take Dr. K and Dr. T and our families and go to Poland and do a really good study, away from the USA and the FDA and so forth - to really examine this diet. There have to be other people who are interested in seeing if the hcg really is the thing that is working here, or if it's simply a 500 cal per day diet. Dr. T said it would be unethical to do a double blind study (some get hcg some do not) because putting people on 500 kcal per day would be starving them. But with hcg, because of the (alleged) fat release into the body, I and others like me, are not starving. And I must say, here at the beginning of day 7 - I am not starving. If you knew me, you would find this to be completely unreal. So, is my lack of feeling completely starving (I was going to say deprived but I still do feel limited and deprived) associated with a) a real hcg/stored "old" fat release into my bloodstream or b) with my BELIEF and the SUGGESTION that hcg will release fat into my bloodstream and I won't be hungry?

HEY! Here's a idea - if you had two groups - one who was told they would get hcg, and got hcg and also were told all about the reason it worked, why it worked, etc. and you had the OTHER group who ALSO got hcg but were told that it was just a vitamin injection to keep up their vitamin levels while they were on the vlcd - would you see a difference in a) actual weight loss and b) report of levels of hunger? I suppose you could check on cheating but would people tell you? They likely would, if their cheating were reported by number and so it could not be traced back to them.

What if this hcg is truly a workable thing - and that millions of overweight people could be helped rapidly (which in our culture seems to be pretty important, both in our impatience levels as well in desperately needed hope, for people like me who have 'done everything') - if they could take off at least 10% of their body weight - I know that this leads to dramatic increases in overall health and decreases in risk factors - and for my part, a changing view of me as a person.

As I lifted weights and now on this very restrictive and monk-like food existence- I see - oh just an inkling - my self-cognition changing... I think about greasy cheeseburger from the fast food joint and while I remember the deliciousness of it, I can actually imagine the later disappointment of the experience - the slick, full, sluggish feeling of it. I think only after you really really don't eat anything "bad" (and I hate to label the poor burger as bad) - can you potentially reset what tastes like what.

For example, the baked apples.

Those baked apples, with stevia - something that I have HATED for months when friends have tried to get me to eat it - and with cinnamon - were truly delicious. They were sweet - they were cinnamon-y - and I longed for a glass of milk (skim this time) to go with them. I had water though.

How can they taste good when only 7 days ago I was gorging on chocolate cake (forgot to put that in the gorge section) and fatty food? If you had had me eat them, in the middle of the gorge portion of the diet, I would have scoffed at the "baked apples" and likely said that they tasted horrible.

I want to learn more about how people come to prefer tastes - and if you don't overload their taste buds with fat (a flavor enhancer, this I know) and salt (the ultimate flavor enhancer - intensity enhancer) and god knows what other chemicals that make it all seem to taste so good - if you give the mouth a rest - does the subtlety of the strawberry or the spinach leaf with lemon - does it literally "improve" in taste, as per the brain's preference?

Boy, this line of query for my questing brain might be even more fun that that year I spent learning everything you'd ever want to know about house cats.

OUCH

Well, dinner is done - chix breast and my fav asparagus with lots of seasonings. YUM. But my back is really really hurting.

I need to have my apple. I went to my favorite chat room and begged for the "baked apple" recipe because I am now Officially Desperate and Tired of Plain Old Apples.

Here it is:

Apple, in pieces
Water - a little bit - in a pan
Stevia (a natural sweetner)
Cinnamon

Sear the apples in the pan with the Stevia, Cinnamon.
"Enjoy"

I'll let you know.

My back hurts. I'm taking advil and if I need to I'll have to hunt around to see if there's any painkiller left from the dentist.

ouch

Car Wreck and other Happenings

Well first of all, I am sitting here after being rear-ended by some anxious hispanic 25 year old guy. Who apparently was driving on a revoked license, and the poor thing was going to be in big trouble.

SO. When the accident happened, I had numbness and tingling in my face and lips. Also my back (mid-back) is killing me. I called Dr. K who suggested that I take it easy today. I first called the office and they canceled the poor man that I had to cancel last week and he was miffed. And another appointment I think. They called the paramedics and ambulance who wanted to strap me to a backboard and transport me via ambulance to the ER. I am suspicious of the ER, frankly and I think that it will just make my insurance rates go up (I know, it's the other guy's fault and so his insurance should pay it), and it will take all day and what if I just have muscle stiffness?

So I am going to take a warm bath and advil and wait and see.

But here's the good news.


1) I BROKE 190 TODAY!! I was at 189.6. So that's 10 lbs since Wednesday.

2) I went to see Dr. T today. Office was much less frantic and he had more time for my ravings today. He showed me my blood tests - he said my bad cholesterol was up a teeny bit but not as bad as you'd think, and my GOOD cholesterol was nice and high (can you believe it? I have a good positive health marker!!!) - and the form of my "bad" cholesterol was in nice big globs versus teeny little globs, which apparently is something good.

There were other levels of hormones (my progesterone is low and so... I'm not sure what that means) that were either in range or were not, but he doesn't want to address those until after this Phase 2 is over with.

3) Indeed, I lost 10 lbs. About 5 was likely water, about 3.5 was pure fat fat fat and the rest was lean muscle tissue.

I talked to Trevor this morning about losing lean muscle tissue. I was bummed to think I that I was going to lose it. Trevor was so helpful. He noted "marathon runners don't have a ton of lean muscle, do they?" He also pointed out, rightfully so, that despite my hard work over 19 months of gaining this muscle, I also ate like crap and maintained a bunch of fat, so if I have to lose muscle instead if fat, it's my own damn fault. But of course, because he is professional and kind, he communicated this to me in a much nicer way than that. He is right you know.

Still, I think the 19 months of just weight lifting was not wasted. It clearly improved my health status - nothing like packing a shit load of muscle around, and it certainly made me somewhat more aware of what I was eating (like I really did stop, for the most part, the fast food stuff, with the occasional Filet O' Fish sandwich thrown in. I know, they're sick sick sick but OMG I loved them).

So Hubby wasn't at the workout this morning because he got his first substitute teaching job, so that's cool, but he was peeved that he missed the lifting. I got Trevor all to myself. I was much more weak and tired since the VLCD started - also because you get no breakfast on this thing - and was sortof bummed that I'm not as strong. Of course, no food and no breakfast and a Trevor leg workout is a pretty intense deal. He encouraged me to keep on the treadmill to keep my endurance up, and assured me that once this weight, fat plus lean, is off, he will put my big old strong muscles back on me. I don't need to look like the Hulk, but I really like being strong.

As it is, I am going to check the chat room for a minute - but then I need to rest I think - my back is killing me. Dammit. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE ER! Dammit.

Here is the chat room for hcg people - the way to get there: http://www.chatzy.com/111493577082

Man, my back really does hurt. Crap. Well, perhaps it will take my mind off FOOD.

Sunday - I forgot Saturday

OK so we must now know my scale likes to mess with me.

I got on the scale Saturday morning and it said, happily "191.8" and so I hopped back on and it said "192.5" and then no matter how many times I hopped on it, it kept saying that. It does this EVERY TIME. Is this to punish me or make me become less likely to frequently step on the scale, hoping for a lower number? Because it NEVER gives me a lower number, only a higher one.

SO. I'm going to have hubby step on the scale this morning a few times.

But I DIGRESS!

Ok so THIS morning it was 190.6 and then of course when I stepped on it again, it was 190.8 and I told it "screw you, I'm taking the 190.6 so there."

However, this is a nine pound weight loss since Wednesday. I think peeing alot has something to do with this.

Simeons original manuscript is literally fitting me to a T. It said to expect 4 to 8 pounds the first day, then about 1 - 2 pounds over the next couple of days and then to look for 1/2 to 1 pound the rest of the time.

I THINK that my body does look a tiny bit different. Hub thinks so, but he would say that because he is supportive and kind and knows how FUCKING HARD THIS DIET IS!

I truly hate this diet btw.

And I cheated twice yesterday. Well, I think it's cheating - it is if you are reading the Crappy Kevin Trudeau book but not completely if you read Simeons.

1) I ate a can of lump crap meat on my spinach salad for dinner because I left my portion of steak out on the counter.

2) Last night, I forgot my fruit. And I was hungry. So I had about 3/4 cup of 2% milk. I could FEEL the wonderful fat in this milk. It was so incredibly delicious. I couldn't believe how much I was loving that little cup of milk. And man, 2% does have a bunch of fat in it. Trevor was right about that. But you have to not eat fat for about 4 days before you can really appreciate it.

I called my friend AT this morning and she is coming over and we are going shopping and out for a chat. Then to work with K on a case - great for the diet on the weekend because there is nothing to nosh on there but chocolate and her special chapstick.

AT is here.

PBR!!!!

For those three people who might read this blog, you will be pleased to know that I got fifth row tickets to the PBR Bullnanza Bullriding Competition for tonight and also for tomorrow night, which is completely indulgent of me. Hubby was so supportive and completely hid any distaste or boredom for this, and will even accompany me tomorrow night, which is incredible of him. He deserves some perverse sexual favor, not to be discussed here.

Son was less thrilled and wanted to fall asleep by 9:30, which is many ways is a good thing.

BUT THE FOOD.

Which of course is mainly why I write this.

The food court - the first time I was exposed to food that smelled all of delicious fat and salt and grease and chemicals.... pulled pork and beer and mexican food and everything that seemed so wonderful. And hotdogs, my weakness for sure. And those crappy nachos.

I was able to walk on by. I found our seats (fast I might add) and then asked for water and Hubby went to get the water for me so I didn't have to smell that food. I don't know about how this diet/shot thing makes you just "not really hungry" during this diet because I am hungry all the time - unless - well I take that back. When I'm working I'm not hungry. It's at night, like right now, that I'm really hungry.

But I was proud of myself. I looked around at the thin, hard looking cowgirl types (even women my age) and noticed that they weren't noshing on any of that crappy E Center food either. And they didn't even look like they noticed it.

Will there be a time that I don't really WANT that food, at the very least for the novelty of it?

I keep telling myself - do these shots for 6 weeks or 30 pounds whichever comes first - although I really think that I will only make it to four weeks. I'll just be eating my shoes by then, otherwise.

But we'll see. It's only day 3 of the vlcd (very low calorie diet, as if you can forget given that this is all I ever ever talk about). I am thinking Day Three? Is that one tenth of the days that I need to go? Although I had shots on Fri and Sat and Sunday - wait - am I on day four? who knows. It is a blur. No, wait. I had first shot on Monday and then started on Wednesday. It's only day 3. Sigh.

Oh well. The complete lack of variety on this phase is the killer. After this phase, you get to eat anything organic, and no sugar and no starch (but apparently fruit is OK). I think that lasts for another six weeks or so. Who knows what I'll be like by then? Probably thinner and a complete and raving lunatic.

But I was really cheery this morning and not so anxious either, which is interesting to me, because usually I wake up each morning full of anxiety and dread for the day.

So that was new.

I am intensely curious about if I lost weight and if so, how much, etc. etc. in the morning.

I would imagine that I could get at least a half pound - dammit. And today, here was the food.

1) yerba dirt mate ick tea
2) chicken breast with raw spinach with some lemon squeezed on it. This meal was COMPLETELY ORGANIC which makes me so proud of myself in a superior earth friendly green sort of way. Had a tiny clementine orange HT gave me.
3) dinner I "cheated" again because I had a tomato AND three leaves of lettuce. Call the Police! I mixed the veggies again! And the steak, which was sliced up into microscopic slices and wrapped in the lettuce. The lettuce was delicious. Can you believe I actually viewed lettuce as delicious? It was butter lettuce. Perhaps the name, you know, BUTTER lettuce helped me there. Also had the organic apple and put on some lemon juice, just because I can.

That's it.

I truly want a fried bologna sandwich on white bread with a giant glass of milk. And some chocolate chip cookies and I want to eat it all in bed.

But I guess I want to see how much I was able to take off tomorrow morning, just a TEENY BIT MORE than I do the sandwich. Besides, it's only for a month. I can do anything for a month, right?

I hope so.

Day 5. More loss but is it "enough?"

Well well well. I lost "only" 1.5 lbs today. I keep thinking, it's because I ate "too much" yesterday. Apparently you are not allowed to mix the vegetables and you must have only one per meal. That or this is complete bullshit and the first 5 pounds were water that I got while on my gorge on fat/salt day, plus a little loss, and this is a nice reasonable loss as well.

It is so very easy to see how obsessive/compulsive a person can get about dieting behavior like this. For example, I think "because I swiped the butter in the pan, will that RUIN this process?" Actually it's not a completely crazy thought - given the vagaries of human biochemistry (at least vague to me because I quit chemistry after Organic Lab - only because a girl was sad about her boyfriend and I put an acid instead of a base into the separatory funnel and got a colloid and there was an odd smell and we all had to go outside...)

But I digress. Heh. This is the only place I can legitimately digress and not be thought of as strange because the only people who see this are Biwi, JS, KW and HW. And they know me as well as anyone could. Well I suppose others see this but I don't know you so, sorry, you don't cross my radar screen.

Digress again.

Anyway, work up and thought like the good PhD that I am, well, let's stick completely and rigidly today to the diet and see if tomorrow brings more loss, any loss or different loss.

That and I keep talking to my hypothalamus. I keep telling it to think rationally and be reasonable. Asking it to please consider this proposal to (allegedly) "re-set" itself for my sake and for my husband and son's sake as well. I imagine it is listening although I recognize as I type this that this is completely insane. Perhaps the Unconscious Hypothalamus is listening.

Besides, I believe that the Unconscious lives in the Right Brain and that's pretty damn close to the hypothalamus .. at least it's closer than my fat ass is, right? And my Left Brain has so dominated for so long. It's time to let that Left Brain know it's not the only boss in my head.

But this also means telling Right Brain to reconsider its image of me, my body, my way of being, and my way of being with other people. Do I have a need to stay fat? Or is this all just chemistry?

Do other women dislike thin women? I love my friend CS - and she's thin. And my friend MR and she's been a stick all her life - although in sixth grade I was jealous of her. But she was jealous of me because I was smart. Now she is totally rich and doesn't have to work and gets to go to Italy with her kids for weeks at a time. So I am jealous again, but not in a malicious way because I love her and because she is a good person.

I think though, other women dislike thin women. At least as fat woman, I feel automatically like a slovenly, lazy, impulsive and weak person around people who enjoy being thin and healthy. People who don't watch tv and don't eat fast food (which is me now, I suppose) and who think "man, what I'd REALLY like to do is go hiking."

I think "man, what I'd really like to do is go tot he Louvre and then eat beautiful french food every night."

But now I have to have my Yerba Mate Dirt Potion for breakfast.

Yum Yum.

And have two court things today. I hope I don't babble in a low blood sugar way today.

Cheating Already?

Well, I have learned from the ladies in my Chat Room for Hcg Dieters that I am only allowed to have ONE kind of veggie (or the diet won't work!!!) Sigh. I can't believe that I am longing for MORE VEGETABLES. I hate vegetables.


So, dinner was the steak, plus grilled onion (and yes I cheated in that I wiped a butter stick.. just the end mind you, over the pan for less than one second. I actually counted.

And then I had fresh lettuce and tomato. So apparently, this will make things Not Work.

I am so hungry and so tired. I have two court thingies tomorrow and am supposed to be a) prepared and b) coherent.

Thankfully, one of the court things doesn't start until 11:15 and the other one doesn't start until 3 PM. So I can hopefully wake up in the morning and study up.

sigh.

What if the 5 pounds was only water and this whole thing is, as I suspect, a Huge Load of Crap?

Day Four

I got on the scale yesterday morning and was 199.8. I was so hungry through the day and into the night. I didn't sleep well. Kept dreaming about this Farm Game I nerdily played on the internet before bed.

I got on the scale this morning. 194.8. FIVE POUNDS IN ONE DAY?

How can this be? I don't believe it.

It's just got to be water weight, because I pee all the time now. But I'm drinking like 64 ounces a day of liquid as well.

How can this be?

However, I had more optimism as I drank my Dirt Yerba Mate Tea Potion this AM raced to work and now am gulping down more asparagus and chicken because we have parent teacher conference in about 10 minutes.

FIVE POUNDS?

Is this safe? Of course, 194.8 isn't like I'm starving to death.

I still don't trust this.

But it IS five pounds anyway.

Let's see what happens.

"DINNER"

Well, I had my "dinner" and I'm still hungry. I had my steak portion (I did not weigh it carefully but did an estimate using the total weight of the meat I bought, and did my math) and more asparagus. I had yerba mate tea. Yerba mate tea tastes sortof like dirt. I suppose I am not a tea snob. I miss my Lipton's.

Some good things though. I found a chat room called "Chatzy" and there is a chat room completely devoted to people on the hcg diet. I talked to a 52 year old woman who has lost 50 pounds since last fall. I talked to someone who has lost that much since November. One woman lost 14 pounds since Valentine's Day.

They were all very supportive. The told me that tomorrow I would see at least a half pound weight loss. This means from 199.8 I will be at 199.3. Hmm. Today seemed like alot of suffering to still see the number 199 looking at me from the sneering bathroom scale. OK, it doesn't actually sneer. Well, maybe it does. My scale is more like "Look. 199 is better than 399 isn't it? And it's better than a hit in the head with a big bat, isn't it?" I'm waiting for my scale to speak aloud "One at a time please" when I step on it. So far, it has kept its mouth shut.

Anyway. The ladies at the Chatzy place gave me a couple of "recipes" ( if you can call them that, given the limited number of ingredients that I can have during this 28 day phase I'm on). And they use the original Dr. Simean diet (which includes MELBA TOAST!! OMG!) and not the Evil SlimeBall Kevin Trudeau version. This means I can have An Orange not just the organic apples and grapefruit.

So that's a good thing.

I found one article that looked to be very "medical" in nature on the web. I'm taking it to Dr. K because it's chock full of comforting chemical phrases like "beta-endorphin metabolite" and "blood brain barrier" and so forth. My nerdy self heaved a sigh of relief. But then I realized that the article is STILL damn old (read 20 years old) and so where the fuck are the data that have to be out there about hCG and obesity? Dammit! I tried NIH but got nowhere.

Must I have hard scientific proof of everything in my entire world? Is this why I am a sad agnostic? (I can't even be an atheist because I wouldn't have enough data to support the non-existence of god, anymore than I have of the existence of god). But I watched my favorite televangelist today while on the treadmill.

Yes, I have a favorite televangelist. Well, she's the only televangelist I could even remotely tolerate. Her name is Joyce Meyer and her show is "There is Life in the Word." She talks and looks and acts exactly like my mother. I think she is a recovering narcissist but she at least admits how horrible she was for most of her adult life, unlike my mother. I like what she says, about just doing good things for other people. She's all about how stupid it is to adhere blindly to religious rules but not simply care for others. I can get behind being good to others. When I'm not in a self-centered snit, that is. And I like the Bible quotes she gave today, I think Matthew 25:25 in which he blasts people who are all religious but care for no one. All about rules adherence and so forth with no heart. Loved it.

Joyce Meyer came on right after that show "Clean House" in which Nici.. oh hell, what's her name? She's on Reno 911, anyway, she takes this team of people to homes where people CANNOT LET GO OF THEIR HOUSE FULL OF CRAPPY STUFF. Like people cannot even walk, and there's no place to sit and the kids are all ashamed but everyone is too frozen to do anything.

Nici gets these people to part with their Crappy Stuff and SELL IT AT A YARD SALE. People are so whiny about their Crappy Stuff. They sneak stuff back INTO the house during the Yard Sale. Nici whoops up on them, and does that head going back and forth with the finger shaking thing that I can never ever do without looking ridiculous. The people are all shamed. Then, whatever doesn't sell, is carted off to charity.

Then Nici and her crack team of house cleaners/designers and organizers, come in and WHOOM, the house looks like a grownup house. Sometimes the people get new furniture and everything. They usually paint the walls some version of burnt orange, but it typically looks pretty good.

I am walking on the treadmil, hating the first day of this VLCD (the slang for "very low calorie diet" because that's what we obese people have to do, unlike the normal people who just have to lose like 10 pounds), and I'm loving this Clean House show. I realize that maybe I don't want to part with my Crappy Fat and my Crappy Eating Habits. My trainer Trevor tells me "you are not ready to surrender yet (re: diet)" which pisses me off no end, but of course he is right. I am hanging on to .. to what? To the need to eat whatever I want even if it honestly tastes like grease? OMG is THIS my teen-aged rebellion? I never really had one - except the fling with that crazy professor when I was 22 and he was like 40. I honestly think I'm holding onto a big greasy ball of fatty food, with its concommitant ease of preparation (e.g. just drive up to the window), and shouting "MINE MINE MINE! and NO! NO! NO!"

Holy hell.

It's 10 PM. I forgot to take my 8 PM amino acids. Will this Screw Up Everything?

What if I get up tomorrow and despite me eating NOTHING (ok 500 calories) I've somehow gained weight?

I am so hungry I could eat my shoe. I am going to eat my fruit now. Oh Joy. OK, I can eat some strawberries. The ladies told me to blend them up with ice and have a 'smoothie'. This depresses me all the more. I will just eat the damn things because you are not supposed to skip anything.

Will I be totally hungry the entire time?

Will I always be such a WHINER?