For those three people who might read this blog, you will be pleased to know that I got fifth row tickets to the PBR Bullnanza Bullriding Competition for tonight and also for tomorrow night, which is completely indulgent of me. Hubby was so supportive and completely hid any distaste or boredom for this, and will even accompany me tomorrow night, which is incredible of him. He deserves some perverse sexual favor, not to be discussed here.
Son was less thrilled and wanted to fall asleep by 9:30, which is many ways is a good thing.
BUT THE FOOD.
Which of course is mainly why I write this.
The food court - the first time I was exposed to food that smelled all of delicious fat and salt and grease and chemicals.... pulled pork and beer and mexican food and everything that seemed so wonderful. And hotdogs, my weakness for sure. And those crappy nachos.
I was able to walk on by. I found our seats (fast I might add) and then asked for water and Hubby went to get the water for me so I didn't have to smell that food. I don't know about how this diet/shot thing makes you just "not really hungry" during this diet because I am hungry all the time - unless - well I take that back. When I'm working I'm not hungry. It's at night, like right now, that I'm really hungry.
But I was proud of myself. I looked around at the thin, hard looking cowgirl types (even women my age) and noticed that they weren't noshing on any of that crappy E Center food either. And they didn't even look like they noticed it.
Will there be a time that I don't really WANT that food, at the very least for the novelty of it?
I keep telling myself - do these shots for 6 weeks or 30 pounds whichever comes first - although I really think that I will only make it to four weeks. I'll just be eating my shoes by then, otherwise.
But we'll see. It's only day 3 of the vlcd (very low calorie diet, as if you can forget given that this is all I ever ever talk about). I am thinking Day Three? Is that one tenth of the days that I need to go? Although I had shots on Fri and Sat and Sunday - wait - am I on day four? who knows. It is a blur. No, wait. I had first shot on Monday and then started on Wednesday. It's only day 3. Sigh.
Oh well. The complete lack of variety on this phase is the killer. After this phase, you get to eat anything organic, and no sugar and no starch (but apparently fruit is OK). I think that lasts for another six weeks or so. Who knows what I'll be like by then? Probably thinner and a complete and raving lunatic.
But I was really cheery this morning and not so anxious either, which is interesting to me, because usually I wake up each morning full of anxiety and dread for the day.
So that was new.
I am intensely curious about if I lost weight and if so, how much, etc. etc. in the morning.
I would imagine that I could get at least a half pound - dammit. And today, here was the food.
1) yerba dirt mate ick tea
2) chicken breast with raw spinach with some lemon squeezed on it. This meal was COMPLETELY ORGANIC which makes me so proud of myself in a superior earth friendly green sort of way. Had a tiny clementine orange HT gave me.
3) dinner I "cheated" again because I had a tomato AND three leaves of lettuce. Call the Police! I mixed the veggies again! And the steak, which was sliced up into microscopic slices and wrapped in the lettuce. The lettuce was delicious. Can you believe I actually viewed lettuce as delicious? It was butter lettuce. Perhaps the name, you know, BUTTER lettuce helped me there. Also had the organic apple and put on some lemon juice, just because I can.
That's it.
I truly want a fried bologna sandwich on white bread with a giant glass of milk. And some chocolate chip cookies and I want to eat it all in bed.
But I guess I want to see how much I was able to take off tomorrow morning, just a TEENY BIT MORE than I do the sandwich. Besides, it's only for a month. I can do anything for a month, right?
I hope so.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Day 5. More loss but is it "enough?"
Well well well. I lost "only" 1.5 lbs today. I keep thinking, it's because I ate "too much" yesterday. Apparently you are not allowed to mix the vegetables and you must have only one per meal. That or this is complete bullshit and the first 5 pounds were water that I got while on my gorge on fat/salt day, plus a little loss, and this is a nice reasonable loss as well.
It is so very easy to see how obsessive/compulsive a person can get about dieting behavior like this. For example, I think "because I swiped the butter in the pan, will that RUIN this process?" Actually it's not a completely crazy thought - given the vagaries of human biochemistry (at least vague to me because I quit chemistry after Organic Lab - only because a girl was sad about her boyfriend and I put an acid instead of a base into the separatory funnel and got a colloid and there was an odd smell and we all had to go outside...)
But I digress. Heh. This is the only place I can legitimately digress and not be thought of as strange because the only people who see this are Biwi, JS, KW and HW. And they know me as well as anyone could. Well I suppose others see this but I don't know you so, sorry, you don't cross my radar screen.
Digress again.
Anyway, work up and thought like the good PhD that I am, well, let's stick completely and rigidly today to the diet and see if tomorrow brings more loss, any loss or different loss.
That and I keep talking to my hypothalamus. I keep telling it to think rationally and be reasonable. Asking it to please consider this proposal to (allegedly) "re-set" itself for my sake and for my husband and son's sake as well. I imagine it is listening although I recognize as I type this that this is completely insane. Perhaps the Unconscious Hypothalamus is listening.
Besides, I believe that the Unconscious lives in the Right Brain and that's pretty damn close to the hypothalamus .. at least it's closer than my fat ass is, right? And my Left Brain has so dominated for so long. It's time to let that Left Brain know it's not the only boss in my head.
But this also means telling Right Brain to reconsider its image of me, my body, my way of being, and my way of being with other people. Do I have a need to stay fat? Or is this all just chemistry?
Do other women dislike thin women? I love my friend CS - and she's thin. And my friend MR and she's been a stick all her life - although in sixth grade I was jealous of her. But she was jealous of me because I was smart. Now she is totally rich and doesn't have to work and gets to go to Italy with her kids for weeks at a time. So I am jealous again, but not in a malicious way because I love her and because she is a good person.
I think though, other women dislike thin women. At least as fat woman, I feel automatically like a slovenly, lazy, impulsive and weak person around people who enjoy being thin and healthy. People who don't watch tv and don't eat fast food (which is me now, I suppose) and who think "man, what I'd REALLY like to do is go hiking."
I think "man, what I'd really like to do is go tot he Louvre and then eat beautiful french food every night."
But now I have to have my Yerba Mate Dirt Potion for breakfast.
Yum Yum.
And have two court things today. I hope I don't babble in a low blood sugar way today.
It is so very easy to see how obsessive/compulsive a person can get about dieting behavior like this. For example, I think "because I swiped the butter in the pan, will that RUIN this process?" Actually it's not a completely crazy thought - given the vagaries of human biochemistry (at least vague to me because I quit chemistry after Organic Lab - only because a girl was sad about her boyfriend and I put an acid instead of a base into the separatory funnel and got a colloid and there was an odd smell and we all had to go outside...)
But I digress. Heh. This is the only place I can legitimately digress and not be thought of as strange because the only people who see this are Biwi, JS, KW and HW. And they know me as well as anyone could. Well I suppose others see this but I don't know you so, sorry, you don't cross my radar screen.
Digress again.
Anyway, work up and thought like the good PhD that I am, well, let's stick completely and rigidly today to the diet and see if tomorrow brings more loss, any loss or different loss.
That and I keep talking to my hypothalamus. I keep telling it to think rationally and be reasonable. Asking it to please consider this proposal to (allegedly) "re-set" itself for my sake and for my husband and son's sake as well. I imagine it is listening although I recognize as I type this that this is completely insane. Perhaps the Unconscious Hypothalamus is listening.
Besides, I believe that the Unconscious lives in the Right Brain and that's pretty damn close to the hypothalamus .. at least it's closer than my fat ass is, right? And my Left Brain has so dominated for so long. It's time to let that Left Brain know it's not the only boss in my head.
But this also means telling Right Brain to reconsider its image of me, my body, my way of being, and my way of being with other people. Do I have a need to stay fat? Or is this all just chemistry?
Do other women dislike thin women? I love my friend CS - and she's thin. And my friend MR and she's been a stick all her life - although in sixth grade I was jealous of her. But she was jealous of me because I was smart. Now she is totally rich and doesn't have to work and gets to go to Italy with her kids for weeks at a time. So I am jealous again, but not in a malicious way because I love her and because she is a good person.
I think though, other women dislike thin women. At least as fat woman, I feel automatically like a slovenly, lazy, impulsive and weak person around people who enjoy being thin and healthy. People who don't watch tv and don't eat fast food (which is me now, I suppose) and who think "man, what I'd REALLY like to do is go hiking."
I think "man, what I'd really like to do is go tot he Louvre and then eat beautiful french food every night."
But now I have to have my Yerba Mate Dirt Potion for breakfast.
Yum Yum.
And have two court things today. I hope I don't babble in a low blood sugar way today.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Cheating Already?
Well, I have learned from the ladies in my Chat Room for Hcg Dieters that I am only allowed to have ONE kind of veggie (or the diet won't work!!!) Sigh. I can't believe that I am longing for MORE VEGETABLES. I hate vegetables.
So, dinner was the steak, plus grilled onion (and yes I cheated in that I wiped a butter stick.. just the end mind you, over the pan for less than one second. I actually counted.
And then I had fresh lettuce and tomato. So apparently, this will make things Not Work.
I am so hungry and so tired. I have two court thingies tomorrow and am supposed to be a) prepared and b) coherent.
Thankfully, one of the court things doesn't start until 11:15 and the other one doesn't start until 3 PM. So I can hopefully wake up in the morning and study up.
sigh.
What if the 5 pounds was only water and this whole thing is, as I suspect, a Huge Load of Crap?
So, dinner was the steak, plus grilled onion (and yes I cheated in that I wiped a butter stick.. just the end mind you, over the pan for less than one second. I actually counted.
And then I had fresh lettuce and tomato. So apparently, this will make things Not Work.
I am so hungry and so tired. I have two court thingies tomorrow and am supposed to be a) prepared and b) coherent.
Thankfully, one of the court things doesn't start until 11:15 and the other one doesn't start until 3 PM. So I can hopefully wake up in the morning and study up.
sigh.
What if the 5 pounds was only water and this whole thing is, as I suspect, a Huge Load of Crap?
Day Four
I got on the scale yesterday morning and was 199.8. I was so hungry through the day and into the night. I didn't sleep well. Kept dreaming about this Farm Game I nerdily played on the internet before bed.
I got on the scale this morning. 194.8. FIVE POUNDS IN ONE DAY?
How can this be? I don't believe it.
It's just got to be water weight, because I pee all the time now. But I'm drinking like 64 ounces a day of liquid as well.
How can this be?
However, I had more optimism as I drank my Dirt Yerba Mate Tea Potion this AM raced to work and now am gulping down more asparagus and chicken because we have parent teacher conference in about 10 minutes.
FIVE POUNDS?
Is this safe? Of course, 194.8 isn't like I'm starving to death.
I still don't trust this.
But it IS five pounds anyway.
Let's see what happens.
I got on the scale this morning. 194.8. FIVE POUNDS IN ONE DAY?
How can this be? I don't believe it.
It's just got to be water weight, because I pee all the time now. But I'm drinking like 64 ounces a day of liquid as well.
How can this be?
However, I had more optimism as I drank my Dirt Yerba Mate Tea Potion this AM raced to work and now am gulping down more asparagus and chicken because we have parent teacher conference in about 10 minutes.
FIVE POUNDS?
Is this safe? Of course, 194.8 isn't like I'm starving to death.
I still don't trust this.
But it IS five pounds anyway.
Let's see what happens.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
"DINNER"
Well, I had my "dinner" and I'm still hungry. I had my steak portion (I did not weigh it carefully but did an estimate using the total weight of the meat I bought, and did my math) and more asparagus. I had yerba mate tea. Yerba mate tea tastes sortof like dirt. I suppose I am not a tea snob. I miss my Lipton's.
Some good things though. I found a chat room called "Chatzy" and there is a chat room completely devoted to people on the hcg diet. I talked to a 52 year old woman who has lost 50 pounds since last fall. I talked to someone who has lost that much since November. One woman lost 14 pounds since Valentine's Day.
They were all very supportive. The told me that tomorrow I would see at least a half pound weight loss. This means from 199.8 I will be at 199.3. Hmm. Today seemed like alot of suffering to still see the number 199 looking at me from the sneering bathroom scale. OK, it doesn't actually sneer. Well, maybe it does. My scale is more like "Look. 199 is better than 399 isn't it? And it's better than a hit in the head with a big bat, isn't it?" I'm waiting for my scale to speak aloud "One at a time please" when I step on it. So far, it has kept its mouth shut.
Anyway. The ladies at the Chatzy place gave me a couple of "recipes" ( if you can call them that, given the limited number of ingredients that I can have during this 28 day phase I'm on). And they use the original Dr. Simean diet (which includes MELBA TOAST!! OMG!) and not the Evil SlimeBall Kevin Trudeau version. This means I can have An Orange not just the organic apples and grapefruit.
So that's a good thing.
I found one article that looked to be very "medical" in nature on the web. I'm taking it to Dr. K because it's chock full of comforting chemical phrases like "beta-endorphin metabolite" and "blood brain barrier" and so forth. My nerdy self heaved a sigh of relief. But then I realized that the article is STILL damn old (read 20 years old) and so where the fuck are the data that have to be out there about hCG and obesity? Dammit! I tried NIH but got nowhere.
Must I have hard scientific proof of everything in my entire world? Is this why I am a sad agnostic? (I can't even be an atheist because I wouldn't have enough data to support the non-existence of god, anymore than I have of the existence of god). But I watched my favorite televangelist today while on the treadmill.
Yes, I have a favorite televangelist. Well, she's the only televangelist I could even remotely tolerate. Her name is Joyce Meyer and her show is "There is Life in the Word." She talks and looks and acts exactly like my mother. I think she is a recovering narcissist but she at least admits how horrible she was for most of her adult life, unlike my mother. I like what she says, about just doing good things for other people. She's all about how stupid it is to adhere blindly to religious rules but not simply care for others. I can get behind being good to others. When I'm not in a self-centered snit, that is. And I like the Bible quotes she gave today, I think Matthew 25:25 in which he blasts people who are all religious but care for no one. All about rules adherence and so forth with no heart. Loved it.
Joyce Meyer came on right after that show "Clean House" in which Nici.. oh hell, what's her name? She's on Reno 911, anyway, she takes this team of people to homes where people CANNOT LET GO OF THEIR HOUSE FULL OF CRAPPY STUFF. Like people cannot even walk, and there's no place to sit and the kids are all ashamed but everyone is too frozen to do anything.
Nici gets these people to part with their Crappy Stuff and SELL IT AT A YARD SALE. People are so whiny about their Crappy Stuff. They sneak stuff back INTO the house during the Yard Sale. Nici whoops up on them, and does that head going back and forth with the finger shaking thing that I can never ever do without looking ridiculous. The people are all shamed. Then, whatever doesn't sell, is carted off to charity.
Then Nici and her crack team of house cleaners/designers and organizers, come in and WHOOM, the house looks like a grownup house. Sometimes the people get new furniture and everything. They usually paint the walls some version of burnt orange, but it typically looks pretty good.
I am walking on the treadmil, hating the first day of this VLCD (the slang for "very low calorie diet" because that's what we obese people have to do, unlike the normal people who just have to lose like 10 pounds), and I'm loving this Clean House show. I realize that maybe I don't want to part with my Crappy Fat and my Crappy Eating Habits. My trainer Trevor tells me "you are not ready to surrender yet (re: diet)" which pisses me off no end, but of course he is right. I am hanging on to .. to what? To the need to eat whatever I want even if it honestly tastes like grease? OMG is THIS my teen-aged rebellion? I never really had one - except the fling with that crazy professor when I was 22 and he was like 40. I honestly think I'm holding onto a big greasy ball of fatty food, with its concommitant ease of preparation (e.g. just drive up to the window), and shouting "MINE MINE MINE! and NO! NO! NO!"
Holy hell.
It's 10 PM. I forgot to take my 8 PM amino acids. Will this Screw Up Everything?
What if I get up tomorrow and despite me eating NOTHING (ok 500 calories) I've somehow gained weight?
I am so hungry I could eat my shoe. I am going to eat my fruit now. Oh Joy. OK, I can eat some strawberries. The ladies told me to blend them up with ice and have a 'smoothie'. This depresses me all the more. I will just eat the damn things because you are not supposed to skip anything.
Will I be totally hungry the entire time?
Will I always be such a WHINER?
Some good things though. I found a chat room called "Chatzy" and there is a chat room completely devoted to people on the hcg diet. I talked to a 52 year old woman who has lost 50 pounds since last fall. I talked to someone who has lost that much since November. One woman lost 14 pounds since Valentine's Day.
They were all very supportive. The told me that tomorrow I would see at least a half pound weight loss. This means from 199.8 I will be at 199.3. Hmm. Today seemed like alot of suffering to still see the number 199 looking at me from the sneering bathroom scale. OK, it doesn't actually sneer. Well, maybe it does. My scale is more like "Look. 199 is better than 399 isn't it? And it's better than a hit in the head with a big bat, isn't it?" I'm waiting for my scale to speak aloud "One at a time please" when I step on it. So far, it has kept its mouth shut.
Anyway. The ladies at the Chatzy place gave me a couple of "recipes" ( if you can call them that, given the limited number of ingredients that I can have during this 28 day phase I'm on). And they use the original Dr. Simean diet (which includes MELBA TOAST!! OMG!) and not the Evil SlimeBall Kevin Trudeau version. This means I can have An Orange not just the organic apples and grapefruit.
So that's a good thing.
I found one article that looked to be very "medical" in nature on the web. I'm taking it to Dr. K because it's chock full of comforting chemical phrases like "beta-endorphin metabolite" and "blood brain barrier" and so forth. My nerdy self heaved a sigh of relief. But then I realized that the article is STILL damn old (read 20 years old) and so where the fuck are the data that have to be out there about hCG and obesity? Dammit! I tried NIH but got nowhere.
Must I have hard scientific proof of everything in my entire world? Is this why I am a sad agnostic? (I can't even be an atheist because I wouldn't have enough data to support the non-existence of god, anymore than I have of the existence of god). But I watched my favorite televangelist today while on the treadmill.
Yes, I have a favorite televangelist. Well, she's the only televangelist I could even remotely tolerate. Her name is Joyce Meyer and her show is "There is Life in the Word." She talks and looks and acts exactly like my mother. I think she is a recovering narcissist but she at least admits how horrible she was for most of her adult life, unlike my mother. I like what she says, about just doing good things for other people. She's all about how stupid it is to adhere blindly to religious rules but not simply care for others. I can get behind being good to others. When I'm not in a self-centered snit, that is. And I like the Bible quotes she gave today, I think Matthew 25:25 in which he blasts people who are all religious but care for no one. All about rules adherence and so forth with no heart. Loved it.
Joyce Meyer came on right after that show "Clean House" in which Nici.. oh hell, what's her name? She's on Reno 911, anyway, she takes this team of people to homes where people CANNOT LET GO OF THEIR HOUSE FULL OF CRAPPY STUFF. Like people cannot even walk, and there's no place to sit and the kids are all ashamed but everyone is too frozen to do anything.
Nici gets these people to part with their Crappy Stuff and SELL IT AT A YARD SALE. People are so whiny about their Crappy Stuff. They sneak stuff back INTO the house during the Yard Sale. Nici whoops up on them, and does that head going back and forth with the finger shaking thing that I can never ever do without looking ridiculous. The people are all shamed. Then, whatever doesn't sell, is carted off to charity.
Then Nici and her crack team of house cleaners/designers and organizers, come in and WHOOM, the house looks like a grownup house. Sometimes the people get new furniture and everything. They usually paint the walls some version of burnt orange, but it typically looks pretty good.
I am walking on the treadmil, hating the first day of this VLCD (the slang for "very low calorie diet" because that's what we obese people have to do, unlike the normal people who just have to lose like 10 pounds), and I'm loving this Clean House show. I realize that maybe I don't want to part with my Crappy Fat and my Crappy Eating Habits. My trainer Trevor tells me "you are not ready to surrender yet (re: diet)" which pisses me off no end, but of course he is right. I am hanging on to .. to what? To the need to eat whatever I want even if it honestly tastes like grease? OMG is THIS my teen-aged rebellion? I never really had one - except the fling with that crazy professor when I was 22 and he was like 40. I honestly think I'm holding onto a big greasy ball of fatty food, with its concommitant ease of preparation (e.g. just drive up to the window), and shouting "MINE MINE MINE! and NO! NO! NO!"
Holy hell.
It's 10 PM. I forgot to take my 8 PM amino acids. Will this Screw Up Everything?
What if I get up tomorrow and despite me eating NOTHING (ok 500 calories) I've somehow gained weight?
I am so hungry I could eat my shoe. I am going to eat my fruit now. Oh Joy. OK, I can eat some strawberries. The ladies told me to blend them up with ice and have a 'smoothie'. This depresses me all the more. I will just eat the damn things because you are not supposed to skip anything.
Will I be totally hungry the entire time?
Will I always be such a WHINER?
Day Three - (I started the blog today) - STARVING
Well, OK. here goes my attempt to blog. I must hide where I live because if I blog, others will know and then poof, there goes any shred of dignity.
OK, I'm a 44 year old woman. I am overweight and have been, off and on for years. I am overweight for many reasons. First, I have no history of ever associating exercise with happiness or pleasure. I discovered I had exercise induced asthma at 20 years old. Voila, learned I could exercise, but it was too late for that to be ingrained into my head as a happy thing. It is to be endured. I'd rather read a book, a mystery or a sci fi book, and eat something with fat in it.
Next, I ate fast food three times a day, often four days per week. For years. Plus a regular coke. (Diet soda is just too gross). And I have a very stressful forensic practice that deals with attorneys and stress and court and angry people and stress. And I am sortof ADHD and that means I don't do well with tedium. Watch me not blog for weeks on end, just like the ADD person that I know I am inside.
Anyway. ADD people don't have time to cook, prepare, look at labels or write stuff down. If something is on fire, is exploding, is yelling in the street and needs to be hospitalized, I'm your gal. Cool and focused when the intensity is strong. Want me to remember to mail a letter? Call someone else. I can't even remember my own birthday, much less yours. Sorry.
So, you've got some reasons about why I weigh 200 pounds at 5 feet 5 inches. However. Somethings, the last two years, have changed for the better.
1) I started lifting weights. Really heavy weights. With a trainer. I started at three times per week and am down to two times (because it's expensive). Hubby is my weight lift partner now (which is new and wonderful). I went from a size 18/20 to a size 12/14 just doing that. But i only lost about 10 pounds total, over that two years. But I know that weight is relative because I am now strong as a ox. Or a bull. I like bulls.
2) I stopped letting myself eat fast food, for the most part. This was really hard at first. Of course, the habits I substituted weren't that great, like a) eating out at restaurants every day for lunch or b) not eating lunch at all. I also stopped, most recently, the automatic consumption of regular coca cola at least two and sometimes three times per day. I deluded myself into thinking that it was really my "coffee" but who am I kidding. I actually looked at the ingredient list on the can once and wondered if I would be preserved for posterity because of all the crap that's in it. But I LOVE it. It has been my drink of choice. But I let it go. My friend A, hooked me on iced tea. And given that I'm from the South, where we drink it all the time, I switched. And no, it's not sweet tea either but I do long for it.
3) I have been having a talk with myself about myself. First, I surrendered to the fact that I don't sleep and got on some sleep meds. Ambien is not for the faint of heart. It worked though. Gloriously worked. I could count on - rely on sleeping seven hours, to the minute, each night. However, I found myself standing in front of the fridge and eating hotdogs nightly as well. So, I got myself OFF Ambien and would not recommend it for sleep for more than 1 week. I also stopped seeing the MD psychiatrist who prescribed it for me, even though she reassured me that it would be OK and that it would be find for long term use. Nope. It's not. So I then got a different psychiatrist. Dr. D. He saw me and said "honey you are so ADD" and of course I argued with him for a few weeks about that. What if he is just a quack and thinks everyone is ADD? And he tells me "when you are on the right dose of ADD medicine, you will sleep fine." I looked at him as if he has completely lost his mind. STIMULANT does not equal SLEEP!
He was right. Dammit. So, I am on Focalin. Too bad it's not working for appetite suppression. (My appetite is the size of a lion. Nothing suppresses it but new romance and I don't want that, because I've been married for 15 years to a great guy.. of course, 15 years ago, I was younger and did not have peri menopausal symptoms either).
OK, so now, I finally get to a real MD. And I tell her about my weight and have a real examination (not like the old doctor who told me that no matter what I did, I was 'insulin resistant' by genetics, and would not be able to lose much weight. No kidding, he actually said that. So I found a new doctor.) Dr. K. Dr K. told me that she felt I was not "OBESE" as the Old Jerk Doctor told me. (He told me not to lose weight because I would qualify for gastric bypass). She said that I was (as we know) strong as an ox. Also that I could take off a bunch of fat. But that I was not hopelessly obese. She referred me to Dr. T. Dr. T is an MD who is a nature guy(more on this later) and who apparently, has supervised a diet on about 5 of her patients. The patients have all lost like 15 to 30 pounds IN A MONTH.
This is the kind of diet I like, I tell myself.
(This blog is going to be totally long because I have to put all of this down, then I imagine it will grow shorter once I've caught up. And if not, who cares, because it's my damn musings and I'm going to muse at any length I need to. So there.)
So, I make an appointment to see Dr. T. The office is weird in that there is no counter and no nurses - there's two desks side by side and I check in and he's about 20 mins late but the poor thing is running through the clinic and you can tell he's doing he best.
So he talks to me. This was last Friday. He seems patient with me but I worry that I blab too much and am too nervous and he probably thinks I'm some kind of psycho. He starts to talk to me about reading this book by Kevin Trudeau, who is that QUACK CREEPY GUY ON TV and I am thinking "oh shit oh shit." But I do not say anything about that. Instead, I think "Dr. T is healthy looking and seems really serene. He is attractive but not as much as my husband but in the same way. He is talking to me. What is he saying? I am nodding my head. I am talking back. But I am thinking is he a loony? Is this diet going to help me? Oh no, he's talking about 'toxins' which I think is a load of crap. .." And so forth.
Dr. T. tells me that he is interested in eastern and western approaches to health. He tells me that if I take amino acids, and so forth, I will not need ADD meds. I think no way, buddy. I tell him I'm not giving up my ADD meds. He tells me I don't have to. I am so argumentative with him. He probably thinks I'm a wacko. I know I must try his patience. I am asking a zillion questions about hcg and why/how it works. I don't get a satisfactory answer. He is now telling me about the Ladder of Commitment, which is a psychological thing so I pay attention. The lowest rung is apathy (been there). Then next rung is hopefulness/fantasy (man am I there) and then next is "I will try" (and Yoda says, there is no try, there is only DO) and the next rung is "I will ...unless and until.." and the final rung is "I AM DOING THIS NO MATTER WHAT".
I chant this, "NO MATTER WHAT I AM DOING THIS DIET" all the way home from the appointment. I also wonder how old he is and how he got to be this nature MD. The MD part makes me feel better because I honestly believe all this naturopathic stuff is a total crock. Take Collodial Silver, for example. I saw a person, actually saw them, who was COMPLETELY PEWTER COLORED, permanently, because of taking this collodial silver. Thank god he didn't ask me to do that. I would have left, I'm sure.
OK Saturday/Sunday - I go to find the book. No one can stock this book. I end up finding it in a K-Mart when we went to get socks for hubby and child. What a cheesy cruddy looking book.
That horrid Kevin Trudeau person is all slick on the slick red cover of the book. I am so embarrassed that I hold the book next to my thigh as we walk through K MART to pay for it.
I get the thing home and start to read it.
I HATE THIS BOOK. This guys is a self-aggrandizing creep. I Google him and Wikipedia him. Others hate him too. He's in trouble for making all kinds of claims and then not being able to live up to them. The FTC is mad at him (but he scoffs and says "see, I told you 'they' want to shut me down".. the guy is a big conspiracy theorist). The FDA is mad too. He believes that the federal government is in league both with Big Pharma and Big Agri to keep people ill and fat. Like our federal government is efficient and/or effective enough to do this. Our federal government can't find its ass with both hands. But I digress.
I'm reading the book because I want to start the diet on Monday. I read fast. I was so mad at this book my son worried that I shouldn't read it because I kept swearing at it and diagnosing the author. Also, it's poorly written. He just blabs and blabs, like I am doing here, and in the end, the diet is not even developed by him!! The actual Simeons Plan takes up 10 pages, with the most important part, the "phase 2" (his label, because he made up phase one himself) taking three and a half pages. I could have gotten this (and did) right off the internet. And saved myself $25.00 and his smarmy whining about food and additives and conspiracy. ICK.
The diet consists of 500 calories per day, and that is it: Here it is:
You have on injection of HCG (in your fat ass which is why you are here in the first place).
You drink a half gallon to a gallon of water through the day.
Breakfast - are you ready for this?
black coffee, or green tea or Yerba Mate tea or Wu Long tea or Chamomile tea.
that's it for breakfast. But you can have as much as you want of these teas! Whee!
LUNCH:
100 grams (the size of a deck of cards) of:
ORGANIC (it all has to be organic btw)
chicken breast
grass fed beef
grass fed veal (which I found strange and ironic)
wild chilean sea bass
flounder
sole
halibut
OK, veal but not pork? not turkey?
No tuna? even the wild caught kind? no salmon?
this makes NO SENSE to me.
But it continues. Because lucky you, you also get...
"one large handful" of ONE of the following organic vegetables.
Spinach
Chard
Beet greens (oh be still my heart)
Lettuces of any kind
Tomatoes
Celery
Fennel
Onion (any color)
radishes
cucumbers
asparagus or...
CABBAGE.
No green beans? No broccoli? NO. "why?" Brian Trudeau: "Because I said so."
Also you must eat one small organic apple or small organic grapefruit or a handful of organic strawberries.
You can season the food with the juice of half a lemon (it has to be an organic lemon) or pepper or other organic herbs but no oil. EVER.
Dinner is the exact same thing. You need to not have "two meals exactly the same in the same day."
You are not supposed to put creams or lotions on your skin.
You cannot substitute an orange for an apple or it will not work.
You cannot substitute green bean for asparagus and so forth or it will not work.
Why won't it work if I eat broccoli versus asparagus? I don't know, because no one knows, and the original Dr. Simeon is DEAD DEAD DEAD and he developed this diet in the 1950's and 1960's and because he's dead we can't ask him.
Trudeau's book talks about this "diet secret" as if it has been handed down since then like alchemy secrets from the Knights Templar. Jeez.
Man I really hate that book and I hate it that no one can give me a straight answer about green beans versus asparagus. But I don't want to bug Dr. T because if he sees me as a whacko, then I can't follow this diet and if, if, if on the outside chance it can work... if I could lose, as Dr. T wants me to lose, a half pound to a pound a day... then I have to do this. Maybe there is something magical or perhaps chemically magical about the food combinations. But I don't think so.
And the HCG. Let's talk about that.
So, HCG is the hormone present in pregnant women (I loved being pregnant so I am OK with this) but the injections, daily, given by my brave needle phobic husband, are really low levels of this stuff.
Allegedly, apparently, etc..... HCG somehow addresses the hypothalamus gland which regulates just about everything, including appetite. Somehow, Trudeau glosses over HOW hcg injections WORK ON THE HYPOTHALAMUS... but voila, if you eat a low calorie diet while having hcg injections for no more than 45 days, and then eat what looks to be pretty atkins like for the next 45 days, you will be "cured" and you won't want gross food that is bad for you ANY MORE.
So, I am going to really dig to understand how this works, if it works. And I don't know what I will find. Dr. K says to research on the NIH website.
But I digress again.
Get this, the first two to three days of the diet, are not about 500 calories. You are supposed to eat - indeed gorge yourself - on really high fat foods. This is to send a 'fat signal' to the hypothalamus (Dr. K confirmed this as did Dr. T.) So we tell hypothalamus "all is well. see? look at all the food and abundance we have! no need to panic. no need to shut my metabolism to zero and screw me up for the rest of my life because of this low calorie stuff. ok?"
Apparently the presence of injectable hcg helps me fool my hypothalamus further when I restrict caloric intake like crazy. Hopefully my hypothalamus won't notice that I'm eating for.. for 1/2 a person. heh heh. Don't tell it. What my hypothalamus doesn't know won't hurt it.
THE GORGE DAYS.
This was not a fun as you might expect. I went and got a greasy cheeseburger, onion rings and something called fry sauce which is basically my favorite food, mayo and ketchup, combined as a heart attack dip for fries. I tried to order the coke that I used to drink to go with it, but I just didn't have the heart to do it. I was too grossed out already. I ordered tea. Dinner, we went to Japanese restaurant and I had tempura shrimp and tempura everything and gyoza dumplings and so forth. I was still grossed out from lunch. I finished the shrimp and some of the dumplings. It was too gross.
That was Monday - the day we went back to Dr. T. Dr. T gave me a B12 shot with god knows what else in it and showed hubby how to give the hcg shot. Both of these were in the hip. Here I am, pants halfway down, with two men behind me. It had the makings of some weird porn movie. But I digress. Again and Again.
We try to fill the hcg script but no on has it. Finally a "compounding pharmacy" (means not a chain like Walgreens) had it. Got it, went to office. Secretary let it slip I was on this diet. GRRR. I didn't want anyone but her to know about it because what if it failed? And how pathetic am I that I can't lose weight the way you are 'supposed' to lose it - diet and exercise, with no excuses. Friend was intensely interested in this program. I felt embarrassed describing it to Friend A and Friend B. Friend B later tells me "I think you are brave to try this. You should not be embarrassed. It is new and different and you are suspicious of it and you are trying anyway." Such a nice thing to say. It helped.
GORGE DAY TWO
Lunch was pizza slice from famous pizza place. So much cheese and sausage on my slice. I'm thinking "well this is fat loading" but honestly, it didn't taste so great. I mean it DID, but because I'd been fat loading.. it was gross. Dinner - tried for Mexican, what I love with all my heart. However, it was also gross. That was last night. I couldn't finish it. I kept thinking "you better enjoy this because you are going to eat nothing but boring stuff (see above) for what will feel like forever" etc. etc. I know that this is a bad thing to think. But I still thought it anyway.
BEGIN THE RESTRICTION DAY THREE (TODAY)
No breakfast? Stomach is growling. I made the Yerba Mate Tea (ick ick) and drank it like a potion and got on the treadmill for 45 mins. Then an appointment. Then back here to write this blog. Weight 199.8. (it was 197.2 before the two day gorge part dammit). Took the 4 amino acids from Dr. T in the AM. Got shot from hubby. Now am blogging. Have to eat "lunch."
Back from "lunch" - all things being equal - it was ok. chicken breast (what a teeny portion!) and asparagus. I heated it up in the (horrors!) MICROWAVE - screw you Kevin Trudeau - (he says no Microwaving - i'm gonna ask Turner about this) and ate it. Sigh. My stomach is still growling. I am going to drink 32 oz of that horrid tea. Potion Potion Potion.
I still need to eat that apple. OK. Have to go eat it. More later.
OK, I'm a 44 year old woman. I am overweight and have been, off and on for years. I am overweight for many reasons. First, I have no history of ever associating exercise with happiness or pleasure. I discovered I had exercise induced asthma at 20 years old. Voila, learned I could exercise, but it was too late for that to be ingrained into my head as a happy thing. It is to be endured. I'd rather read a book, a mystery or a sci fi book, and eat something with fat in it.
Next, I ate fast food three times a day, often four days per week. For years. Plus a regular coke. (Diet soda is just too gross). And I have a very stressful forensic practice that deals with attorneys and stress and court and angry people and stress. And I am sortof ADHD and that means I don't do well with tedium. Watch me not blog for weeks on end, just like the ADD person that I know I am inside.
Anyway. ADD people don't have time to cook, prepare, look at labels or write stuff down. If something is on fire, is exploding, is yelling in the street and needs to be hospitalized, I'm your gal. Cool and focused when the intensity is strong. Want me to remember to mail a letter? Call someone else. I can't even remember my own birthday, much less yours. Sorry.
So, you've got some reasons about why I weigh 200 pounds at 5 feet 5 inches. However. Somethings, the last two years, have changed for the better.
1) I started lifting weights. Really heavy weights. With a trainer. I started at three times per week and am down to two times (because it's expensive). Hubby is my weight lift partner now (which is new and wonderful). I went from a size 18/20 to a size 12/14 just doing that. But i only lost about 10 pounds total, over that two years. But I know that weight is relative because I am now strong as a ox. Or a bull. I like bulls.
2) I stopped letting myself eat fast food, for the most part. This was really hard at first. Of course, the habits I substituted weren't that great, like a) eating out at restaurants every day for lunch or b) not eating lunch at all. I also stopped, most recently, the automatic consumption of regular coca cola at least two and sometimes three times per day. I deluded myself into thinking that it was really my "coffee" but who am I kidding. I actually looked at the ingredient list on the can once and wondered if I would be preserved for posterity because of all the crap that's in it. But I LOVE it. It has been my drink of choice. But I let it go. My friend A, hooked me on iced tea. And given that I'm from the South, where we drink it all the time, I switched. And no, it's not sweet tea either but I do long for it.
3) I have been having a talk with myself about myself. First, I surrendered to the fact that I don't sleep and got on some sleep meds. Ambien is not for the faint of heart. It worked though. Gloriously worked. I could count on - rely on sleeping seven hours, to the minute, each night. However, I found myself standing in front of the fridge and eating hotdogs nightly as well. So, I got myself OFF Ambien and would not recommend it for sleep for more than 1 week. I also stopped seeing the MD psychiatrist who prescribed it for me, even though she reassured me that it would be OK and that it would be find for long term use. Nope. It's not. So I then got a different psychiatrist. Dr. D. He saw me and said "honey you are so ADD" and of course I argued with him for a few weeks about that. What if he is just a quack and thinks everyone is ADD? And he tells me "when you are on the right dose of ADD medicine, you will sleep fine." I looked at him as if he has completely lost his mind. STIMULANT does not equal SLEEP!
He was right. Dammit. So, I am on Focalin. Too bad it's not working for appetite suppression. (My appetite is the size of a lion. Nothing suppresses it but new romance and I don't want that, because I've been married for 15 years to a great guy.. of course, 15 years ago, I was younger and did not have peri menopausal symptoms either).
OK, so now, I finally get to a real MD. And I tell her about my weight and have a real examination (not like the old doctor who told me that no matter what I did, I was 'insulin resistant' by genetics, and would not be able to lose much weight. No kidding, he actually said that. So I found a new doctor.) Dr. K. Dr K. told me that she felt I was not "OBESE" as the Old Jerk Doctor told me. (He told me not to lose weight because I would qualify for gastric bypass). She said that I was (as we know) strong as an ox. Also that I could take off a bunch of fat. But that I was not hopelessly obese. She referred me to Dr. T. Dr. T is an MD who is a nature guy(more on this later) and who apparently, has supervised a diet on about 5 of her patients. The patients have all lost like 15 to 30 pounds IN A MONTH.
This is the kind of diet I like, I tell myself.
(This blog is going to be totally long because I have to put all of this down, then I imagine it will grow shorter once I've caught up. And if not, who cares, because it's my damn musings and I'm going to muse at any length I need to. So there.)
So, I make an appointment to see Dr. T. The office is weird in that there is no counter and no nurses - there's two desks side by side and I check in and he's about 20 mins late but the poor thing is running through the clinic and you can tell he's doing he best.
So he talks to me. This was last Friday. He seems patient with me but I worry that I blab too much and am too nervous and he probably thinks I'm some kind of psycho. He starts to talk to me about reading this book by Kevin Trudeau, who is that QUACK CREEPY GUY ON TV and I am thinking "oh shit oh shit." But I do not say anything about that. Instead, I think "Dr. T is healthy looking and seems really serene. He is attractive but not as much as my husband but in the same way. He is talking to me. What is he saying? I am nodding my head. I am talking back. But I am thinking is he a loony? Is this diet going to help me? Oh no, he's talking about 'toxins' which I think is a load of crap. .." And so forth.
Dr. T. tells me that he is interested in eastern and western approaches to health. He tells me that if I take amino acids, and so forth, I will not need ADD meds. I think no way, buddy. I tell him I'm not giving up my ADD meds. He tells me I don't have to. I am so argumentative with him. He probably thinks I'm a wacko. I know I must try his patience. I am asking a zillion questions about hcg and why/how it works. I don't get a satisfactory answer. He is now telling me about the Ladder of Commitment, which is a psychological thing so I pay attention. The lowest rung is apathy (been there). Then next rung is hopefulness/fantasy (man am I there) and then next is "I will try" (and Yoda says, there is no try, there is only DO) and the next rung is "I will ...unless and until.." and the final rung is "I AM DOING THIS NO MATTER WHAT".
I chant this, "NO MATTER WHAT I AM DOING THIS DIET" all the way home from the appointment. I also wonder how old he is and how he got to be this nature MD. The MD part makes me feel better because I honestly believe all this naturopathic stuff is a total crock. Take Collodial Silver, for example. I saw a person, actually saw them, who was COMPLETELY PEWTER COLORED, permanently, because of taking this collodial silver. Thank god he didn't ask me to do that. I would have left, I'm sure.
OK Saturday/Sunday - I go to find the book. No one can stock this book. I end up finding it in a K-Mart when we went to get socks for hubby and child. What a cheesy cruddy looking book.
That horrid Kevin Trudeau person is all slick on the slick red cover of the book. I am so embarrassed that I hold the book next to my thigh as we walk through K MART to pay for it.
I get the thing home and start to read it.
I HATE THIS BOOK. This guys is a self-aggrandizing creep. I Google him and Wikipedia him. Others hate him too. He's in trouble for making all kinds of claims and then not being able to live up to them. The FTC is mad at him (but he scoffs and says "see, I told you 'they' want to shut me down".. the guy is a big conspiracy theorist). The FDA is mad too. He believes that the federal government is in league both with Big Pharma and Big Agri to keep people ill and fat. Like our federal government is efficient and/or effective enough to do this. Our federal government can't find its ass with both hands. But I digress.
I'm reading the book because I want to start the diet on Monday. I read fast. I was so mad at this book my son worried that I shouldn't read it because I kept swearing at it and diagnosing the author. Also, it's poorly written. He just blabs and blabs, like I am doing here, and in the end, the diet is not even developed by him!! The actual Simeons Plan takes up 10 pages, with the most important part, the "phase 2" (his label, because he made up phase one himself) taking three and a half pages. I could have gotten this (and did) right off the internet. And saved myself $25.00 and his smarmy whining about food and additives and conspiracy. ICK.
The diet consists of 500 calories per day, and that is it: Here it is:
You have on injection of HCG (in your fat ass which is why you are here in the first place).
You drink a half gallon to a gallon of water through the day.
Breakfast - are you ready for this?
black coffee, or green tea or Yerba Mate tea or Wu Long tea or Chamomile tea.
that's it for breakfast. But you can have as much as you want of these teas! Whee!
LUNCH:
100 grams (the size of a deck of cards) of:
ORGANIC (it all has to be organic btw)
chicken breast
grass fed beef
grass fed veal (which I found strange and ironic)
wild chilean sea bass
flounder
sole
halibut
OK, veal but not pork? not turkey?
No tuna? even the wild caught kind? no salmon?
this makes NO SENSE to me.
But it continues. Because lucky you, you also get...
"one large handful" of ONE of the following organic vegetables.
Spinach
Chard
Beet greens (oh be still my heart)
Lettuces of any kind
Tomatoes
Celery
Fennel
Onion (any color)
radishes
cucumbers
asparagus or...
CABBAGE.
No green beans? No broccoli? NO. "why?" Brian Trudeau: "Because I said so."
Also you must eat one small organic apple or small organic grapefruit or a handful of organic strawberries.
You can season the food with the juice of half a lemon (it has to be an organic lemon) or pepper or other organic herbs but no oil. EVER.
Dinner is the exact same thing. You need to not have "two meals exactly the same in the same day."
You are not supposed to put creams or lotions on your skin.
You cannot substitute an orange for an apple or it will not work.
You cannot substitute green bean for asparagus and so forth or it will not work.
Why won't it work if I eat broccoli versus asparagus? I don't know, because no one knows, and the original Dr. Simeon is DEAD DEAD DEAD and he developed this diet in the 1950's and 1960's and because he's dead we can't ask him.
Trudeau's book talks about this "diet secret" as if it has been handed down since then like alchemy secrets from the Knights Templar. Jeez.
Man I really hate that book and I hate it that no one can give me a straight answer about green beans versus asparagus. But I don't want to bug Dr. T because if he sees me as a whacko, then I can't follow this diet and if, if, if on the outside chance it can work... if I could lose, as Dr. T wants me to lose, a half pound to a pound a day... then I have to do this. Maybe there is something magical or perhaps chemically magical about the food combinations. But I don't think so.
And the HCG. Let's talk about that.
So, HCG is the hormone present in pregnant women (I loved being pregnant so I am OK with this) but the injections, daily, given by my brave needle phobic husband, are really low levels of this stuff.
Allegedly, apparently, etc..... HCG somehow addresses the hypothalamus gland which regulates just about everything, including appetite. Somehow, Trudeau glosses over HOW hcg injections WORK ON THE HYPOTHALAMUS... but voila, if you eat a low calorie diet while having hcg injections for no more than 45 days, and then eat what looks to be pretty atkins like for the next 45 days, you will be "cured" and you won't want gross food that is bad for you ANY MORE.
So, I am going to really dig to understand how this works, if it works. And I don't know what I will find. Dr. K says to research on the NIH website.
But I digress again.
Get this, the first two to three days of the diet, are not about 500 calories. You are supposed to eat - indeed gorge yourself - on really high fat foods. This is to send a 'fat signal' to the hypothalamus (Dr. K confirmed this as did Dr. T.) So we tell hypothalamus "all is well. see? look at all the food and abundance we have! no need to panic. no need to shut my metabolism to zero and screw me up for the rest of my life because of this low calorie stuff. ok?"
Apparently the presence of injectable hcg helps me fool my hypothalamus further when I restrict caloric intake like crazy. Hopefully my hypothalamus won't notice that I'm eating for.. for 1/2 a person. heh heh. Don't tell it. What my hypothalamus doesn't know won't hurt it.
THE GORGE DAYS.
This was not a fun as you might expect. I went and got a greasy cheeseburger, onion rings and something called fry sauce which is basically my favorite food, mayo and ketchup, combined as a heart attack dip for fries. I tried to order the coke that I used to drink to go with it, but I just didn't have the heart to do it. I was too grossed out already. I ordered tea. Dinner, we went to Japanese restaurant and I had tempura shrimp and tempura everything and gyoza dumplings and so forth. I was still grossed out from lunch. I finished the shrimp and some of the dumplings. It was too gross.
That was Monday - the day we went back to Dr. T. Dr. T gave me a B12 shot with god knows what else in it and showed hubby how to give the hcg shot. Both of these were in the hip. Here I am, pants halfway down, with two men behind me. It had the makings of some weird porn movie. But I digress. Again and Again.
We try to fill the hcg script but no on has it. Finally a "compounding pharmacy" (means not a chain like Walgreens) had it. Got it, went to office. Secretary let it slip I was on this diet. GRRR. I didn't want anyone but her to know about it because what if it failed? And how pathetic am I that I can't lose weight the way you are 'supposed' to lose it - diet and exercise, with no excuses. Friend was intensely interested in this program. I felt embarrassed describing it to Friend A and Friend B. Friend B later tells me "I think you are brave to try this. You should not be embarrassed. It is new and different and you are suspicious of it and you are trying anyway." Such a nice thing to say. It helped.
GORGE DAY TWO
Lunch was pizza slice from famous pizza place. So much cheese and sausage on my slice. I'm thinking "well this is fat loading" but honestly, it didn't taste so great. I mean it DID, but because I'd been fat loading.. it was gross. Dinner - tried for Mexican, what I love with all my heart. However, it was also gross. That was last night. I couldn't finish it. I kept thinking "you better enjoy this because you are going to eat nothing but boring stuff (see above) for what will feel like forever" etc. etc. I know that this is a bad thing to think. But I still thought it anyway.
BEGIN THE RESTRICTION DAY THREE (TODAY)
No breakfast? Stomach is growling. I made the Yerba Mate Tea (ick ick) and drank it like a potion and got on the treadmill for 45 mins. Then an appointment. Then back here to write this blog. Weight 199.8. (it was 197.2 before the two day gorge part dammit). Took the 4 amino acids from Dr. T in the AM. Got shot from hubby. Now am blogging. Have to eat "lunch."
Back from "lunch" - all things being equal - it was ok. chicken breast (what a teeny portion!) and asparagus. I heated it up in the (horrors!) MICROWAVE - screw you Kevin Trudeau - (he says no Microwaving - i'm gonna ask Turner about this) and ate it. Sigh. My stomach is still growling. I am going to drink 32 oz of that horrid tea. Potion Potion Potion.
I still need to eat that apple. OK. Have to go eat it. More later.
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