"DINNER"

Well, I had my "dinner" and I'm still hungry. I had my steak portion (I did not weigh it carefully but did an estimate using the total weight of the meat I bought, and did my math) and more asparagus. I had yerba mate tea. Yerba mate tea tastes sortof like dirt. I suppose I am not a tea snob. I miss my Lipton's.

Some good things though. I found a chat room called "Chatzy" and there is a chat room completely devoted to people on the hcg diet. I talked to a 52 year old woman who has lost 50 pounds since last fall. I talked to someone who has lost that much since November. One woman lost 14 pounds since Valentine's Day.

They were all very supportive. The told me that tomorrow I would see at least a half pound weight loss. This means from 199.8 I will be at 199.3. Hmm. Today seemed like alot of suffering to still see the number 199 looking at me from the sneering bathroom scale. OK, it doesn't actually sneer. Well, maybe it does. My scale is more like "Look. 199 is better than 399 isn't it? And it's better than a hit in the head with a big bat, isn't it?" I'm waiting for my scale to speak aloud "One at a time please" when I step on it. So far, it has kept its mouth shut.

Anyway. The ladies at the Chatzy place gave me a couple of "recipes" ( if you can call them that, given the limited number of ingredients that I can have during this 28 day phase I'm on). And they use the original Dr. Simean diet (which includes MELBA TOAST!! OMG!) and not the Evil SlimeBall Kevin Trudeau version. This means I can have An Orange not just the organic apples and grapefruit.

So that's a good thing.

I found one article that looked to be very "medical" in nature on the web. I'm taking it to Dr. K because it's chock full of comforting chemical phrases like "beta-endorphin metabolite" and "blood brain barrier" and so forth. My nerdy self heaved a sigh of relief. But then I realized that the article is STILL damn old (read 20 years old) and so where the fuck are the data that have to be out there about hCG and obesity? Dammit! I tried NIH but got nowhere.

Must I have hard scientific proof of everything in my entire world? Is this why I am a sad agnostic? (I can't even be an atheist because I wouldn't have enough data to support the non-existence of god, anymore than I have of the existence of god). But I watched my favorite televangelist today while on the treadmill.

Yes, I have a favorite televangelist. Well, she's the only televangelist I could even remotely tolerate. Her name is Joyce Meyer and her show is "There is Life in the Word." She talks and looks and acts exactly like my mother. I think she is a recovering narcissist but she at least admits how horrible she was for most of her adult life, unlike my mother. I like what she says, about just doing good things for other people. She's all about how stupid it is to adhere blindly to religious rules but not simply care for others. I can get behind being good to others. When I'm not in a self-centered snit, that is. And I like the Bible quotes she gave today, I think Matthew 25:25 in which he blasts people who are all religious but care for no one. All about rules adherence and so forth with no heart. Loved it.

Joyce Meyer came on right after that show "Clean House" in which Nici.. oh hell, what's her name? She's on Reno 911, anyway, she takes this team of people to homes where people CANNOT LET GO OF THEIR HOUSE FULL OF CRAPPY STUFF. Like people cannot even walk, and there's no place to sit and the kids are all ashamed but everyone is too frozen to do anything.

Nici gets these people to part with their Crappy Stuff and SELL IT AT A YARD SALE. People are so whiny about their Crappy Stuff. They sneak stuff back INTO the house during the Yard Sale. Nici whoops up on them, and does that head going back and forth with the finger shaking thing that I can never ever do without looking ridiculous. The people are all shamed. Then, whatever doesn't sell, is carted off to charity.

Then Nici and her crack team of house cleaners/designers and organizers, come in and WHOOM, the house looks like a grownup house. Sometimes the people get new furniture and everything. They usually paint the walls some version of burnt orange, but it typically looks pretty good.

I am walking on the treadmil, hating the first day of this VLCD (the slang for "very low calorie diet" because that's what we obese people have to do, unlike the normal people who just have to lose like 10 pounds), and I'm loving this Clean House show. I realize that maybe I don't want to part with my Crappy Fat and my Crappy Eating Habits. My trainer Trevor tells me "you are not ready to surrender yet (re: diet)" which pisses me off no end, but of course he is right. I am hanging on to .. to what? To the need to eat whatever I want even if it honestly tastes like grease? OMG is THIS my teen-aged rebellion? I never really had one - except the fling with that crazy professor when I was 22 and he was like 40. I honestly think I'm holding onto a big greasy ball of fatty food, with its concommitant ease of preparation (e.g. just drive up to the window), and shouting "MINE MINE MINE! and NO! NO! NO!"

Holy hell.

It's 10 PM. I forgot to take my 8 PM amino acids. Will this Screw Up Everything?

What if I get up tomorrow and despite me eating NOTHING (ok 500 calories) I've somehow gained weight?

I am so hungry I could eat my shoe. I am going to eat my fruit now. Oh Joy. OK, I can eat some strawberries. The ladies told me to blend them up with ice and have a 'smoothie'. This depresses me all the more. I will just eat the damn things because you are not supposed to skip anything.

Will I be totally hungry the entire time?

Will I always be such a WHINER?