The Tough Day

Without talking too much about my work - today I was assigned a case involving a violent death. It must have really taken it out of me. Plus, my Good Sis Biwi phoned to say that the Difficult and Pain in the Ass Sis "wants to know when you will be coming to see Mom and Dad."

I made the reservation for the trip and we're leaving Saturday. WHY the P.I.Ass sister has any need to know about when I arrive is frankly beyond me.

This sister has been emotionally abusive to me and Biwi and has no insight about it. She has ALL of the guardianship and control of my parents and we must go "directly through her" for any and all information about them. I grieved my parents and the thought that I could ever do anything for them, when she went to the Court and gained that control. Her son lives in my parents' home - the home I grew up in - him and his three illegitimate kids - I know, it's judgmental and who knows, maybe they're married - it's not the point - they are IN MY PARENTS' HOME. I am the only one who grew up in this home - the other sisters (they are twins) are 13 years older than me - they had moved out. I cringe to think of those people going through the things - the detritus of my childhood left behind. And I am "not allowed to go to the home unless P.I. Ass sister is present." FUCK HER.

I'm not going to the home. I'm not going anywhere near her. I just want to see my parents. Why do I have to tell her anything about when I'm coming? And why doesn't she just call me herself instead of Biwi? I am not interested in sharing my visit with my parents with her in the room - and fuck her if she tries that. But you know she will. I know she will.

She completely hates me. She has since I was a child - of course, I had NO IDEA this was the case - because it seemed too monstrous. I was a little kid - what could I have ever done to deserve that?

But she does. I finally had to accept it. But part of acceptance is that I am not playing ball with her. My parents are in their 80's. My mother is wheelchair bound and is sitting there, literally waiting to die. My father has dementia - so he's happy but can't have meaningful conversations with anyone. I am going. I had a court thing cancel so I can go. I don't want to go. I feel that I am a bad child because I don't want to deal with the difficult sister. My parents live very far away from me. It's more than a two day drive. They, especially my mother, have not been able to visit me or my family for over ten years. They did not, could not come, when my child was born. No one did. The family really consists of me and my sister Biwi because she was there in an emotional sense for me and always has been. The other sister hated both of us - we were simply not cool enough for her or something - I don't know - but now feels "ganged up on" which just KILLS me, as she is spending my parents' money, she is controlling everything, and has told both of us in no uncertain terms how much she hates us, with an amazing level of contempt.

I do not seek her out. Why can't she just leave me alone?

You would think that I could figure this out, but I can't.

And here's the thing that relates to weight and food. If she sees me, and sees me so much thinner now (I was thinner than her to begin with), then her hatred will be higher. I know it. I can FEEL it. Part of me wants to say Na Na Na - but a bigger part is afraid. She's scary when she's jealous.

Will I overeat because I want to Fit In to my old roots back home? Will I overeat because my healthy eating will make her think that I'm just "showing off" which she has said about my practice, my education and everything else, I shit you not.

Will I overeat because of the tension and anxiety I feel? Why the FUCK did she have to stir the pot? Why the FUCK does she have to know my every move?

I don't want to interact with her at all. AT ALL. But I don't want to have an embarrassing scene, which is what she counts on. I just want to politely be with my parents, ALONE.

She called last month and I picked up the phone (because I didn't look at caller ID) and she said "when are you coming to visit?" and I told her "end of March." So now, why does she call my local Biwi sister to find out?

I told Mom on the phone that I'd visit her on Sunday. I suppose Mom remembered or who knows.. Perhaps she tape records every phone call that Mom has with me. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.

WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to see or talk to this person. But she is going to press it, counting on me not to make a scene.

Well, now you all know my dirty family skeleton shit.

Better put it here than talk about it with P.I.Ass Sister directly. Don't want to give her the satisfaction. I am done. The last time she called and screamed at me, and put me on a list of people who were "not allowed" to contact my parents WHEN THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, I was done. I have hours of history of telephone conversations in which she literally screams at me and tells me "this is the way you can help our parents. by allowing me to 'vent' on you."

I am done.

But I can feel her and that she's gonna make a scene.

HELP!