Day 5. More loss but is it "enough?"

Well well well. I lost "only" 1.5 lbs today. I keep thinking, it's because I ate "too much" yesterday. Apparently you are not allowed to mix the vegetables and you must have only one per meal. That or this is complete bullshit and the first 5 pounds were water that I got while on my gorge on fat/salt day, plus a little loss, and this is a nice reasonable loss as well.

It is so very easy to see how obsessive/compulsive a person can get about dieting behavior like this. For example, I think "because I swiped the butter in the pan, will that RUIN this process?" Actually it's not a completely crazy thought - given the vagaries of human biochemistry (at least vague to me because I quit chemistry after Organic Lab - only because a girl was sad about her boyfriend and I put an acid instead of a base into the separatory funnel and got a colloid and there was an odd smell and we all had to go outside...)

But I digress. Heh. This is the only place I can legitimately digress and not be thought of as strange because the only people who see this are Biwi, JS, KW and HW. And they know me as well as anyone could. Well I suppose others see this but I don't know you so, sorry, you don't cross my radar screen.

Digress again.

Anyway, work up and thought like the good PhD that I am, well, let's stick completely and rigidly today to the diet and see if tomorrow brings more loss, any loss or different loss.

That and I keep talking to my hypothalamus. I keep telling it to think rationally and be reasonable. Asking it to please consider this proposal to (allegedly) "re-set" itself for my sake and for my husband and son's sake as well. I imagine it is listening although I recognize as I type this that this is completely insane. Perhaps the Unconscious Hypothalamus is listening.

Besides, I believe that the Unconscious lives in the Right Brain and that's pretty damn close to the hypothalamus .. at least it's closer than my fat ass is, right? And my Left Brain has so dominated for so long. It's time to let that Left Brain know it's not the only boss in my head.

But this also means telling Right Brain to reconsider its image of me, my body, my way of being, and my way of being with other people. Do I have a need to stay fat? Or is this all just chemistry?

Do other women dislike thin women? I love my friend CS - and she's thin. And my friend MR and she's been a stick all her life - although in sixth grade I was jealous of her. But she was jealous of me because I was smart. Now she is totally rich and doesn't have to work and gets to go to Italy with her kids for weeks at a time. So I am jealous again, but not in a malicious way because I love her and because she is a good person.

I think though, other women dislike thin women. At least as fat woman, I feel automatically like a slovenly, lazy, impulsive and weak person around people who enjoy being thin and healthy. People who don't watch tv and don't eat fast food (which is me now, I suppose) and who think "man, what I'd REALLY like to do is go hiking."

I think "man, what I'd really like to do is go tot he Louvre and then eat beautiful french food every night."

But now I have to have my Yerba Mate Dirt Potion for breakfast.

Yum Yum.

And have two court things today. I hope I don't babble in a low blood sugar way today.