Back on Track but Still Nervous about the Future

Well, yesterday I went back on the protocol - and voila 185.3 this AM. I am still on protocol today and don't think I'll waver, so I expect another loss... HOPEFULLY... tomorrow. I'd really really like to bust through the 180 mark.

I think I've been on the injections for about a month. Dr. T says 40 days and he didn't mention taking a break either, so we'll watch and see what happens to losses, etc.

I am feeling guilty because I cheat so much on this thing - like.. have I wasted the hcg experience on Phase One? Or is this VLCD and injection actually Phase Two?

Also, I know that you still eat on protocol for three days after injections cease and then you can eat any meat, veggie or fruit as long as you don't eat starch. So I guess whole wheat pasta/bread and so forth are out. Carrots too? Squash too? Sigh. How long does that part last? And then what? When do I go back on the hcg shots again?

I suppose I need to just go back and read Simeons again. I wish there were current studies (and Kevin Ick Trudeau does NOT count) that I could cling to about this. (My never ending need for brain info). However, it's amazing that when you eat your fish/beef/chicken and your asparagus/spinach/grapefruit, you lose weight pretty damn fast. And if you don't, you either don't lose or horrors, gain it.

What is going to happen after I stop the injections? What if all the weight just comes flying back on?

Nervous nervous nervous.

VIVA LAS VEGAS

Well Well Well.

My first experience of traveling and eating out and it has to be in Vegas, of all places. If we'd gone to visit the Amish, I think it would have been easier.

However, I did my best. For being gone five days I only lost it a couple of times. Like Tequila - I don't think that's on this diet. Or BREAD OMG BREAD. We avoided buffets Thank God.

Still, it wasn't all bad. Scale read 187.00 so that means that it was 2.5 lb gain. Not bad. We went Mexican and I had fajitas - because a) chicken and shrimp are in them and b) grilled onions and peppers. Only had one tortilla to wrap it in (I was thinking "isn't this like a grissini?") but the chips and salsa were downfalls. I did over an hour of cardio on two days and lifted weights like mad also. That seemed to help my mood some.

But, back in the saddle again today. Let's see - asparagus, fish, one grapefruit (with that Swerve sprinkled on it - heavenly) steak. Oh and spinach. I'd love some damn bread. I keep telling myself - "taking it off is harder than keeping it off. Bread will come in it's own time" which seems to help a little bit.

All in all, I didn't go completely nuts. I didn't just say Oh to HELL with it all, which I thought I would. Not even once. Just ate some bread and cheese at one point but did not binge on it. And the chips one time. And little teeny things here and there. I was sure I'd come back with a five pound gain.

So, let's see what a day of being virtuous will do for me. I am proudly sipping my organic chamomile tea and hope I'll be asleep before the late night munch fest hits.

I'm so glad to be away from all those lights and stimulation - over stimulation!

Pizza

Pizza. Man it was DEEEELICIOUS! I must say that fat and salt (and a million other chemicals that I know were in Pizza Hut Deep Dish Meat Lover's Pizza) are true flavor enhancers. It was like being on crack. Actually I have never BEEN on crack - but the sense of not wanting the flavor/taste experience to stop, despite being full - that must be what crack is like.

So I gained, of course. But weirdly, it was OK. It was an experience. It was DEEELICIOUS. But one cannot do that every day. And besides, what's the point of eating like that every day? It then dulls the taste of other foods that are decent and upstanding citizens of the Food World. Like the Noble Asparagus. The Hardy Grass Fed Beef Steak (100g). The Sexy Grapefruit (pink and juicy and just like a slutty girlfriend if you know what I mean).

And now, I had my shrimp/chicken and some onion/broccoli stir fry when I went out to lunch and feel FABULOUS.

Tomorrow we head to Vegas. We have to get the hell out of here just to get a break. We found a hotel on the strip at Priceline.com for 65.00 per night. It has a pool. And a Spa. I will be extremely interested about how I deal with the food.

See you on Thursday or Friday.

Sleep Is Necessary

Guess what happens when you allow your ADHD self to be caught by this little game involving keeping a farm going on the computer, and you stay up late? And then you can't calm down? And then it's 2 AM? And then you eat some organic bread? But don't feel guilty because you are so TIRED and COLD! (I am really cold lately).

Nothing happens. You lose .2 lbs and you are just FINE thank you very much.

I went out to eat - these Marriage/Family Therapy types wanted to pick my brain at lunch, about how to get their own practices going, which is fine. There's enough work for everyone. But you'd think they'd pick up my lunch!

But I ordered halibut on a bed of lettuce with veggies. But I just wasn't hungry at all. I tried to eat it all - but I honestly couldn't. I drank my iced tea. I have HAD IT with Yerba Dirte Mate. At least for now.

But now I am hungry. And the rest of the family is ordering pizza. Hmmmm. Will She? Won't She? I'll muddle through. Bet I eat a bite of it though. I am NOT declaring ANY FOOD as bad. Husband is sick and when Him Is Sick, then the Universe stops. And he just can't face cooking for himself and our little guy. Which means I am involved. But I am sick too. But I am a WOMAN! Which means that, while I am as sick as he is, and while I did not get to sleep until past 3 AM, and while I had clients all day until past 5, I must arrange dinner somehow.

Hence the pizza option. Plus we have our sweet friend J's stepdaughter over here because her grandfather died (unexpectedly and out of town) and F and J need to fly out of town to take care of this. Thank God M is such a sweetie - even though she's a teenager! And so pizza is also for her as well.

One thing that will help with the Pizza Dilemma is that I AM wearing the slutty jeans today. I got them from a friend - I can't remember who though - and they are "lucky brand" and a 31. What kind of size is that? The waist is higher than I am used to - so there is some Muffin Toppage going on. But I don't care. I zipped them up. They are topped with a little white sweater thingie and some Fry Boots on my feet. With tall heels because short fat women look less fat in tall heels. I feel like I'm in the 1970's again.

Wish me luck. I am glad others hate KEVIN TRUDEAU. I am glad that I am a HUGE CYNIC and you know what? I STILL believe this is sortof a big load of crap. But I'm still here and I'm in my skanky tight jeans.

But if I don't get to bed EARLY tonight, I'll be in trouble in many ways - read noshing on late night cold pizza.

Never Be Scared of the Scale

Thanks for all the support for the previous post. Here's the update.

1) Went in and just started bawling all over Dr. T. I think it's because a) I hadn't had a period like that in awhile and so perhaps hormonal and b) got completely sick with a cold then next day (whole family had it) and c) my parents are in their 80's and I have to go to see them and it is painful because they have serious memory loss and I have a very difficult sister who has all the control over them (legal, financial, etc.) whose loser son is now living rent free in our family home, driving their car and so forth. I can't do anything about this situation and the idea of paying 1200.00 to fly back to see them is daunting - I don't know if they'll notice I'm there - I mean I think they will - I do talk to them on the phone, but dad, especially, cannot remember much. So it was on my mind and has been.

2) When I started bawling all over Dr. T., this is what he did. He closed the door, got a tissue for me and then ENVELOPED ME IN A BIG HUG and let me cry all over his nice shirt. I have never had a physician (except for the sweet Dr. K but that's a different issue) be this kind to me. I felt completely cared about.

3) On Monday, I had only lost .25 pounds. However, he has me on these amino acids and noted again that I had lost fat and gained lean. He showed me my printouts from 2/22 when I first went in for my consultation and where I was Monday. I have lost approximately 20 lbs of fat and put on about 7 of lean or more. The rest was water I guess. He told me he was proud of me, to hang in there and gave me my big old painful B shot in my shrinking butt (still ample enough though!)

4) Sweet husband gave me injections starting Monday AM. This morning, the scale said...... 183.6. NO KIDDING. I vowed not to be afraid of the scale ever again.


183.6. I am closer to 180 than to 190 and of course not near 200! This amazes me. I feel better on hcg and I wonder if my little break from it made it work better? Or if I just feel better on it because I'm sensitive to it? Or what?

OK other news. Dr. K. tells me I am low in my blood count on vitamin D and she wants me to take 1000 mg per day in a supplement. Anyone think this will cause a problem?

I can't believe it was 183.6. I know it will be higher tomorrow because I didn't plan and so had a piece of organic bread and some bologna for lunch, running out the door. But I'm sitting here eating my grapefruit and waiting for the sea bass on the grill (it's gotten warm enough today that it almost feels like spring, and given that it snowed like mad on the weekend (7 inches on my car) I'll take it).

My brain in changing about food. Slowly. Surely. It is and I can tell. I was up late and watched the Intuitive Eating guy on TV who made ultimate sense with his four rules 1) eat when you are hungry 2) eat what you want 3) eat consciously - meaning no tv, no distraction, and put down the fork between every bite of it. I fell asleep and so don't know rule 4 - but this made sense. I don't want to label foods as "good" or "bad" - my friend InterplanetJanet has been teaching me about this. Listening to my body - not just my BRAIN - and thinking about what the body NEEDS is important. So oh well about the 1 piece of organic bread with bologna. I had organic mustard on it so there.

I was at the gas station today in the Rental Car (my VW is still wrecked and in the shop until the 12th of Never). I think I got a Real Look from some nondescript looking man. I'm not sure. I could not tell. But I think it was a look. I actually TUCKED MY SHIRT INTO MY JEANS TODAY. Also, I am on the last buckle thing on my belt. I need to poke a hole in this belt because it's cute and it was expensive and I'm not tossing it.


TMI ALERT TMI ALERT - also, my BRA is finally ... bagging? looser? This I thought would never happen because my breasts are legendary .. I mean in a good way. And those damn bras were specially fitted by a corsetier and that means they were expensive ($65 and up). Oh well.

TMI ALERT OVER TMI ALERT OVER.

Thanks for reading my blog my pals. Thanks for lending support. I'm not stopping until I break 160. I know that's a lofty goal - but I think well hell, that's only 25 pounds away. I can't imagine what that will be like.

xoxo I smell Sea Bass.

Losing Faith

Well, I stopped the hcg injections during the period phase. What a disaster. Trying to go back on the diet after the hcg stopped even for a couple of days was extremely difficult. So far, I have "cheated" every single day since the period began. I told husband to just re-start the injections. I am asking Dr. T what the HELL was he thinking having me go off the shots just for period. Now, I am ravenous. I am scared to step on the scale, which is stupid because the "worst" thing I did was have two pieces of whole wheat bread (organic) with horrors, one piece of turkey bologna.

In addition to my steak, asparagus, two poached eggs and a few strawberries.

And that's IT for today, although last night was Hubby's brother's birthday. Again, not too bad - Cuban Chicken (had potatoes, onions, chicken sans cigar, raisins) and black beans (tablespoon full) and 2 inches (literally) of whole wheat bread stuff, yes with butter - a little, and a smidgeon of carrot cake. And salad. And again, felt terrible the next AM.

The meal before that was a day of decent eating and then sushi after a movie. The white rice is the big no no.

But no alcohol, no chocolate binges - not even MILK at this juncture.

But going with absolutely no carb on this diet without the hcg has been ridiculous.

And also, I can't help but think those fucking shingles have been part of this.

SO. I have a million questions for Dr. T tomorrow - including asking why, given how NOT hungry I've been, am I RAVENOUS NOW?

Please god don't say I have to "fat load" again. I am scared, literally, to get on the damn scale.

That is NONSENSE. I am getting on the scale in the AM. Scared of a scale is stupid.

Besides, I can just keep swinging at it.

But my "fat" jeans (the 14s) feel tight today.

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT

No more going off hcg and I don't care WHAT ANYONE SAYS until it's "time" because I feel like I'm starting all over again, and after all this hard work too.

WTF? A Period? NOW? TMI TMI TMI ALERT

Ok just know that this whole blog is one big giant too much information section. Just skip it, especially you squeamish.

So, my period makes it's arrival with a fanfare. Where the HELL has it been? Who does it think it IS, just waltzing in like this? So WHO CAN TELL ME WHY WHY WHY we can't have the hcg shot during the period? Is it because it is EVIL and I should be sitting in a Menstrual Hut with the other Shunned?

I missed it this AM anyway because I had a telephone conference with the Court at the pre-crack of dawn (8 AM - I know, I am spoiled) and so I just wandered to the office with greasy hair and did it and then home to shower and eat (did get a George Foreman Grill - love love love it) turkey (fuck you Kevin Trudeau) and spinach and tomato, and then back to work - so no time for the shot anyway.

Am I going to gain weight if I don't have the shot? If I keep losing weight on the shot, does this mean the shot is bullshit and I don't need it anyway? If Dr. T said that 500 cals per day is starvation without the shot, then what happens this week without the shot?

And finally, can I just go eat sushi tonight anyway? What if I bring my Bragg Aminos in my purse? (How tacky) and don't eat any rice in my sushi?

I am having all these second thoughts about this diet again because weight isn't falling off - but then again, I am having third thoughts, like "hey, this is no diet - this is the way that you eat." and telling my family that it is ok if they eat my food (esp my shrimp divided into tidy baggies of 4 oz each) on "my" shelf in the fridge because if it's good for me, then it's good for them, right?

But the period. Dammit. Does hcg somehow make it re-appear after it had made only intermittant and piffling appearances for months?

Also, someone told me today that hcg increases your cancer risk. Is this true?

However, that same someone who had not seen me in a couple of months said I looked MARVELOUS!

So there.

I suppose Midol is not on Kevin Trudeau's Diet but SCREW YOU KEVIN TRUDEAU!

Eating Out and Off the Diet

Well, hubby got accepted into a university program so he can pursue his teaching degree, so we went out to celebrate.

I've been on vlcd for two weeks. Seems like longer. We went to Italian restaurant (read PASTA) with our dear friend J and also sweet son H. I ordered a salmon on a bed of spinach and red pepper. I also consumed a spinach salad beforehand. I ate my dinner, it was so very very good. I ate two bites of the dessert that came to the table with four forks. I had a ROLL! With butter! I drank water (just didn't want wine), had a taste of someone's pasta, and so forth. I was pretty full at the end. I had no "OMG NO!" feelings. I also thought "You can't eat like that every night- or even every week if you still want to drop pounds though." But it wasn't punitive in thinking. Just honest.

I feel pretty good this AM except (TMI TMI TMI ALERT - diarrhea continues - who knows why... TMI TMI ALERT OVER). As it is, I was able to wear.. SIZE 10 Pants! They were tight and I was felt just a tiny bit like a two bit hooker in them, but I persevered. Plus wore a tasteful sweater set on top. They fit like my size 12's used to fit - wearable but iffy. So it was a wee little thrill for me.

Now, off to work. The Shingles are still here - I wonder for how long?

A New Twist

First things first: 186.8! It's only a small loss but hey, it's a loss! So yesterday's Come to Jesus didn't screw me up for good. And I used the Swerve Sugar in the Apple Crisp and it was so very lovely. Plus Amy's Organic Dijon Mustard, which after looking on the label, appears to be "OK" re: Simeon and evil K Trudeau.

Anyway. Went to work out with Trevor. My endurance is so totally down it's not even funny. He is patient with me and encouraging. He noted that when you only eat 500 cals per day ("or so" if you're me) then you simply don't have enough energy to do much. He said "It's like pushing your car to work versus just getting in it and turning the engine on." He also noted that we are not going to try to build big muscles but just "touch" the ones I have in order to minimize lean muscle loss. Hubby went fishing with his sweet old brother (ice fishing - you must have to be from Michigan to appreciate this) - so he missed our workout.

Trevor and I had this conversation about the mental place you get when you first begin to really really really surrender to the food thing. He said "I see people put high octane fuel in their car and then drive through McDonald's." He also (man he was really on a Car Metaphor today) said - this food thing and regular weight loss is gratifying. Your real challenge will be when it no longer is new. It's like getting a new car. Then you have to continue to drive it and the newness wears off. And it will stall, just like you will likely hit a plateau. It's how you handle the ongoing eating and what you do when the plateau hits that counts." I love Trevor. He has been so patient with me for almost two years now. He listens to me vent and vent about my internal world with patience. It's like when a patient of mine tells me after a year of treatment "if I get active and do more social things, and if I take my anti-depressant, I really feel better!" I nod sagely and think "Yeppers, it's what I've been telling you for the entire year" but I realize that everyone must come to what the come to in their own time.

So, then I go see Dr. T. My weight loss for the week is almost three pounds, which is low. We then get on the Body Fat Measure Scale. I can't tell what the numbers mean - he's got a full waiting room today and I don't want to bug him. But he is perplexed and says this "It looks like you've lost ten pounds of fat and gained 7 pounds of muscle." WHAT? He wonders why this is. I remind him that I need a re-supply of amino acids. Then he says "Oh! That must be it! I don't typically put people on aminos when they are on hcg - but this must be what is happening - you are losing fat but at this point, you are gaining lean." I said "So I should be happy? Sad? Be more stringent with the diet?" He smiled and said "Be Happy." I said "Are YOU happy?" and he was. Who knows - the aminos plus the hcg may be an even better combination.

Trevor and Dr. K tell me that aminos are essentially protein, like the stuff you get in protein drink, but it's in pill form so it doesn't taste all horrid. Dr. K says that amino acids are the building blocks of all cellular function. Trevor and Dr. T say that they build your lean muscle tissue. So, perhaps you lose a ton initially (with half being water) on hcg with aminos (and I have improved in my amino intake lately.) Maybe I'll be some kind of hcg/amino test case.

The news is not all happy though. I apparently, according to Dr. T. have developed a case of Shingles! I have never had a shingle, or herpes sore on my mouth, or anything. He said "have you had the chicken pox?" "yes" "Then shingles are possible." The appear of course, under times of stress. They appeared immediately after the car accident. Also this diet is dramatic and likely a shock to my system.

I think the name is creepy. How about 'Little Painful Dots in a Group on your Bum Syndrome?"

Shingles. Sounds like something you'd put chipped beef on (aging myself here).

Revelations and Also Move Over Stevia!

Well, first of all, I've had a Come to Jesus with myself about this diet. First of all, I have noticed at different times, I was just exhausted, almost to the point of tears. Other times, no exhaustion at all. I have decided that certain things about this diet make sense, and other things are just plain silly.
First, the No Breakfast thing is ridiculous. This is not 1950's Rome and I am not Sophia Loren smoking cigarettes and having a black espresso for breakfast. This morning I decided that I would eat a "brunch" like a NORMAL PERSON. I had a TWO egg omelet with 35 calories of low fat swiss cheese (the size of a matchbook cover) and steamed asparagus and chopped green onion thrown in. I rubbed the pan with butter (5 seconds). I ate this with lovely hot tea (NOT YERBA DIRT) and had my whole organic grapefruit. I listened to Bach. I read a women's magazine. It was WONDERFUL. I also remembered my amino acids the doc has me on, so far all day today.
Next, this No Massage this is also silly. While my body might absorb some kind of mineral oil, I don't think I can process it (imagine drinking the stuff) and so I had a two hour massage coming to me at Massage In A Box (a gift from someone and while it's not quite like having the best - B. M. you know who you are - it was helpful. Indeed this therapist was really really good. It helped my sense of sensual starvation and body boredom that comes with this diet. So FUCK YOU KEVIN TRUDEAU! Heh heh.
Next, I realize that Water Is The Key. For example, I had some eggs last night b/c I couldn't face fish again (despite lunch being pretty damn good). Then later I had chicken broth. You can't help but notice the salt in chicken broth, even if it's Organic Chicken Broth (which it was). Warm Chicken/Veggie Broth before bed (e.g. at 8 PM) made me so happy. Yum Yum. And then I (initially) thought ... oh no! I'm cheating! I'll just gain on this broth! Then I took myself in hand and said "Stop this nonsense thinking. Your dog gets more calories than you on this diet. Salt will make you retain water. Drink alot of water." So I did. Tons of it. (AVERT YOUR EYES FOR HERE COMES A TMI MOMENT) And had great sex - nothing like that to keep your mind off food. TMI MOMENT OVER .... TMI MOMENT OVER.... And this morning I was 187.2. HA HA! Not a huge loss by Simeon/Trudeau standards, but jeez, that makes it 12.5 pounds (understand some is water) since 2/27/08 - in eleven days.
And I feel SO MUCH BETTER today. Cheery, attempting to whistle, etc. I realized that the word "cheating" should truly be reserved for the time that I (and I don't think this will happen but who knows) just go nuts and eat Taco Bell and alot of it at that, and Coca-Cola and stuff like that. Maybe eating an entire package of Girl Scout Cookies or something. But putting 1/2 of a piece of cheese (that is low fat to begin with and totals 35 calories) in your 2 egg omelet - I am just not going to think about that as a huge sin. Portion control, however I believe in. And certain choices of food are truly verboten (e.g. white flour, white potato or anything outrageously carb-y now). You can't have a 6 egg omelet. You can't eat an 8 oz. fatty steak and a baked potato (think of the sugars pouring in and fucking with your glycemic index...) But I am going to listen to my body first and watch the scale and see if my body is incorrect or if this diet is NOT one size fits all.

OK here is the other killer thing I discovered. I was in the Whole Food/Wild Oats hunting for something called "Z-Sweet" because some of the recipes called for it on hcgrecipes.blogspot.com and stumbled across something brand new called SWERVE. You MUST try this Swerve stuff. No carbs, no calories, no nothing - made from fruit - no chemicals and it's granular and it, and I am not making this up, TASTES EXACTLY LIKE SUGAR. I even did a blind taste test (as close as 'blind' as I could get) and I could not tell the difference.

For those of you who know me - this is like the Holy Grail. Because I HATE HATE HATE all forms of sugar substitute, including that powdery substance "Stevia" which in most instances isn't truly all that bad... but SCREW YOU STEVIA because Swerve beats the crap out of Stevia.

I immediately poured myself a glass of Yerba Ick Dirt Potion Iced Tea and had a sip (ICK ICK BLECH). Then I wantonly plunged the spoon into the Swerve bag and had two helping teaspoons of it in my glass of iced tea!

Wonderment! Hallelujah Chorus! Cheering! I cannot believe it. I am now drinking the Yerba Mate Potion like it is Mead from Heaven.

I pause a moment to reflect that despite my somewhat more realistic and improved attitude towards this diet phase of my life, my rhapsody over a sugar substitute still smacks of someone who is a bit.. narrow in her focus?

Fuck that! HALLELUJAH!

Is Eating Broccoli a Crime?

Had my first P2 eating out experience today. Went to the Supremo-Healthy-O-Restaurant, where I had four little grilled shrimp with no oils and broccoli steamed, because they had none of the requisite veggies but salad but it was iceberg lettuce which is too depressing for words. Iceberg lettuce should be fed to people as a punishment. I might as well eat stiff paper.


However, my loss was less than half a pound (I'm at 187.8) - which I know I should be happy about but jeez. Also, got HUGE AND PAINFUL stomach cramps last night and slept with heating pad on stomach. WTF?

Cramps subsided when I ate, which was my own nifty version of a beef taco (strips of the cooked steak, heated up with cumin, chili powder, garlic, onion powder, salt and pepper plus a teeny bit of organic salsa (I looked at the ingredient list and there wasn't anything on there that was verboten). So I heated it all up and then wrapped it in a decent Romaine lettuce left (actually I made three of these mini-lettuce tacos) and then ate it up.

I was full and then stomach felt weird and I just could NOT bring myself to eat the fruit item. I ate the teeny (meaning size of ping pong ball) organic lemon instead - hell, we can have the juice of it, so would this count as a fruit?

However, these two transgressions - lemon vs regular fruit and broccoli versus another veggie- did this make me lose LESS WEIGHT?

This makes no sense.

I will cleave to the diet religiously today. Except my hubby broke my new tea pitcher in the dish washer, but as he was loading the dishwasher I have no complaint.

I'll have to have more of the Yerba Dirt Potion. I've skipped that the last couple of days.

Cheating

I did it. I cheated. I wasn't really able to sleep last night and so.. I cheated. I ate a 100 g chicken breast with a cup of skim organic milk.

MAY GOD FORGIVE ME.

I woke up and guess what - 189.9 pounds. Dammit.

Can this also be because the chicken I've been eating is like coated with poultry seasoning salt? Or is this just wishful thinking?

I work up with firm resolve not to cheat today. So, I drank the potion, worked out with Trevor (my arms are killing me) and then went home and made chicken soup from abovementioned chicken, plus 99% fat free chicken broth... BUT IT WASN"T ORGANIC! And I ate a grapefruit. I was feeling, and I know this sounds crazy, COMPLETELY FAT AND FULL. How can this be? I forgot the vegetable completely.

Kevin Trudeau will likely swoop down with his winged monkeys and chastize me for this.

I loved drinking that milk. I had to realize, though that I figured milk was a great thing if it was both SKIM and ORGANIC. But do you know how much sugar is in milk? Like 11 grams! Of Sugar? What are those cows eating? No wonder I like it so much. Ice cream? You can keep it? Yogurt? I scoff at yogurt. But a cold glass of milk. Ahhh.

So now I'm at the office for a minute (ok it is now three hours) and am drinking my water dutifully. I think I need a massage after the car accident but where can I find a massage where they won't use unapproved oil? A dry massage is just not worth it. Maybe I can bring in my own product, assuming there is such a thing.

Perhaps it would be better to go home and finish my report. The one that won't die.

Cheating. Well, you pay for it the next morning. Dammit. How can 1 cup of milk and a teeny piece of fat free chicken put on a pound?

GRRRR

Eat Steak Eat Steak Eat a Big Steer!

Well, even if it's cheating - I had deelicious steak (and I added red wine to the pan a couple of times but it just seemed to sortof burn up) and the great onion soup recipe that I found on someone else's blog and I don't know how to list it here yet. I used canned beef broth for the onion soup and Trudeau will likely pee his criminal pants because it's not "organic" but I do not GIVE A FLYING... Anyway. The onion soup was wonderful. It was warm. It was yummy. I feel completely full. And I keep thinking "I've overeaten! I've overeaten!" How can that be? I ate my grapefruit (can we have a whole grapefruit?) and I used 30 calories worth of beef broth and - ok ok I did rub the stick of butter over the bottom of the pan (it was for about 7 seconds this time)- for the onions. Will I gain weight tomorrow?

My pants feel tight. HOW CAN THIS BE?

I think I'm going to drink a crap load of water and hope that any and all salts and whatever are taken care of in this way.

How can it be that I am not interested in eating my requisite fruit item?

I got my first sweet and helpful comments today (thanks you guys) about the period and the IUD and all. So I'm just injecting anyway and damn the torpedoes.

I feel SO FULL. Did I eat too much?

Less Than A Pound!

Well, today is the first day that I have gotten on the scale and registered LESS than one pound loss. I was 189.6 yesterday and was 188.8 today.

And the things that go through my head are interesting in a way.

First I think IMMEDIATELY: "What did I do wrong yesterday?" And of course, I come up with some answers, e.g. Kevin grilled the chicken breasts outside in his Usual Way - which meant there were plenty of spices and salt on them. Perhaps I had too much salt? Then I think, well the car accident yesterday left me pretty stiff and sore - I KNOW I did not have as much water as I should have - maybe I'm retaining water. And finally (if you are squeamish and do not want too much information, do not read on, given that this blog is really just for me anyway)... Finally, I am getting breakthrough bleeding - my period has been erratic and wacky since the IUD and also since hitting 45 - maybe this has something to do with it - but it's not "period" per se - just a hint of color and so... what to do? My chat friends and Simeons and even Dr. T say "no shots during period" but this doesn't feel like period - not like a real one that would require... um.. accouterments or other products in order to manage it.... And Dr. K. says it's not a real period because the IUD makes everything stupid anyway.

So, I'm going to wait and see. But I am going to drink a boat load of water. Come to think of it, my "skinny jeans" which as size 12 jeans I got from my friend A. are tight today - maybe I'm a bloat princess and the water will just come off as easily as it has been retained? I KNOW that I am not gaining more fat, because I DID NOT CHEAT! Even a teensy bit! Not even a taste of a half of french fry that laid on my son's plate as I passed (quickly) through the kitchen.

Did you know that food you may not eat because you are choosing to restrict the type and amount of intake you have.. that the food actually TALKS? Indeed, it's true! This particular french fry spoke in a voice not unlike Tiny Tim and it said "look at me all forlorn - and I am so very small and recall how good I taste? Or do you just reject me outright?" (The poor fry had low self esteem - you know how I like to help others out..) But then I realized IT WAS A PLOT! I could hear the murmuring of the other, larger fries left on the plate and knew, at that moment - they were just using the Tiny Tim fry as a way to get my mouth open, and then? A Fry Melee, that's what! So SCREW YOU LEFTOVER WENDY'S FRIES!!!

I wonder if mild psychosis is part of the hcg diet. I think in three years I need to take Dr. K and Dr. T and our families and go to Poland and do a really good study, away from the USA and the FDA and so forth - to really examine this diet. There have to be other people who are interested in seeing if the hcg really is the thing that is working here, or if it's simply a 500 cal per day diet. Dr. T said it would be unethical to do a double blind study (some get hcg some do not) because putting people on 500 kcal per day would be starving them. But with hcg, because of the (alleged) fat release into the body, I and others like me, are not starving. And I must say, here at the beginning of day 7 - I am not starving. If you knew me, you would find this to be completely unreal. So, is my lack of feeling completely starving (I was going to say deprived but I still do feel limited and deprived) associated with a) a real hcg/stored "old" fat release into my bloodstream or b) with my BELIEF and the SUGGESTION that hcg will release fat into my bloodstream and I won't be hungry?

HEY! Here's a idea - if you had two groups - one who was told they would get hcg, and got hcg and also were told all about the reason it worked, why it worked, etc. and you had the OTHER group who ALSO got hcg but were told that it was just a vitamin injection to keep up their vitamin levels while they were on the vlcd - would you see a difference in a) actual weight loss and b) report of levels of hunger? I suppose you could check on cheating but would people tell you? They likely would, if their cheating were reported by number and so it could not be traced back to them.

What if this hcg is truly a workable thing - and that millions of overweight people could be helped rapidly (which in our culture seems to be pretty important, both in our impatience levels as well in desperately needed hope, for people like me who have 'done everything') - if they could take off at least 10% of their body weight - I know that this leads to dramatic increases in overall health and decreases in risk factors - and for my part, a changing view of me as a person.

As I lifted weights and now on this very restrictive and monk-like food existence- I see - oh just an inkling - my self-cognition changing... I think about greasy cheeseburger from the fast food joint and while I remember the deliciousness of it, I can actually imagine the later disappointment of the experience - the slick, full, sluggish feeling of it. I think only after you really really don't eat anything "bad" (and I hate to label the poor burger as bad) - can you potentially reset what tastes like what.

For example, the baked apples.

Those baked apples, with stevia - something that I have HATED for months when friends have tried to get me to eat it - and with cinnamon - were truly delicious. They were sweet - they were cinnamon-y - and I longed for a glass of milk (skim this time) to go with them. I had water though.

How can they taste good when only 7 days ago I was gorging on chocolate cake (forgot to put that in the gorge section) and fatty food? If you had had me eat them, in the middle of the gorge portion of the diet, I would have scoffed at the "baked apples" and likely said that they tasted horrible.

I want to learn more about how people come to prefer tastes - and if you don't overload their taste buds with fat (a flavor enhancer, this I know) and salt (the ultimate flavor enhancer - intensity enhancer) and god knows what other chemicals that make it all seem to taste so good - if you give the mouth a rest - does the subtlety of the strawberry or the spinach leaf with lemon - does it literally "improve" in taste, as per the brain's preference?

Boy, this line of query for my questing brain might be even more fun that that year I spent learning everything you'd ever want to know about house cats.

OUCH

Well, dinner is done - chix breast and my fav asparagus with lots of seasonings. YUM. But my back is really really hurting.

I need to have my apple. I went to my favorite chat room and begged for the "baked apple" recipe because I am now Officially Desperate and Tired of Plain Old Apples.

Here it is:

Apple, in pieces
Water - a little bit - in a pan
Stevia (a natural sweetner)
Cinnamon

Sear the apples in the pan with the Stevia, Cinnamon.
"Enjoy"

I'll let you know.

My back hurts. I'm taking advil and if I need to I'll have to hunt around to see if there's any painkiller left from the dentist.

ouch

Car Wreck and other Happenings

Well first of all, I am sitting here after being rear-ended by some anxious hispanic 25 year old guy. Who apparently was driving on a revoked license, and the poor thing was going to be in big trouble.

SO. When the accident happened, I had numbness and tingling in my face and lips. Also my back (mid-back) is killing me. I called Dr. K who suggested that I take it easy today. I first called the office and they canceled the poor man that I had to cancel last week and he was miffed. And another appointment I think. They called the paramedics and ambulance who wanted to strap me to a backboard and transport me via ambulance to the ER. I am suspicious of the ER, frankly and I think that it will just make my insurance rates go up (I know, it's the other guy's fault and so his insurance should pay it), and it will take all day and what if I just have muscle stiffness?

So I am going to take a warm bath and advil and wait and see.

But here's the good news.


1) I BROKE 190 TODAY!! I was at 189.6. So that's 10 lbs since Wednesday.

2) I went to see Dr. T today. Office was much less frantic and he had more time for my ravings today. He showed me my blood tests - he said my bad cholesterol was up a teeny bit but not as bad as you'd think, and my GOOD cholesterol was nice and high (can you believe it? I have a good positive health marker!!!) - and the form of my "bad" cholesterol was in nice big globs versus teeny little globs, which apparently is something good.

There were other levels of hormones (my progesterone is low and so... I'm not sure what that means) that were either in range or were not, but he doesn't want to address those until after this Phase 2 is over with.

3) Indeed, I lost 10 lbs. About 5 was likely water, about 3.5 was pure fat fat fat and the rest was lean muscle tissue.

I talked to Trevor this morning about losing lean muscle tissue. I was bummed to think I that I was going to lose it. Trevor was so helpful. He noted "marathon runners don't have a ton of lean muscle, do they?" He also pointed out, rightfully so, that despite my hard work over 19 months of gaining this muscle, I also ate like crap and maintained a bunch of fat, so if I have to lose muscle instead if fat, it's my own damn fault. But of course, because he is professional and kind, he communicated this to me in a much nicer way than that. He is right you know.

Still, I think the 19 months of just weight lifting was not wasted. It clearly improved my health status - nothing like packing a shit load of muscle around, and it certainly made me somewhat more aware of what I was eating (like I really did stop, for the most part, the fast food stuff, with the occasional Filet O' Fish sandwich thrown in. I know, they're sick sick sick but OMG I loved them).

So Hubby wasn't at the workout this morning because he got his first substitute teaching job, so that's cool, but he was peeved that he missed the lifting. I got Trevor all to myself. I was much more weak and tired since the VLCD started - also because you get no breakfast on this thing - and was sortof bummed that I'm not as strong. Of course, no food and no breakfast and a Trevor leg workout is a pretty intense deal. He encouraged me to keep on the treadmill to keep my endurance up, and assured me that once this weight, fat plus lean, is off, he will put my big old strong muscles back on me. I don't need to look like the Hulk, but I really like being strong.

As it is, I am going to check the chat room for a minute - but then I need to rest I think - my back is killing me. Dammit. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE ER! Dammit.

Here is the chat room for hcg people - the way to get there: http://www.chatzy.com/111493577082

Man, my back really does hurt. Crap. Well, perhaps it will take my mind off FOOD.

Sunday - I forgot Saturday

OK so we must now know my scale likes to mess with me.

I got on the scale Saturday morning and it said, happily "191.8" and so I hopped back on and it said "192.5" and then no matter how many times I hopped on it, it kept saying that. It does this EVERY TIME. Is this to punish me or make me become less likely to frequently step on the scale, hoping for a lower number? Because it NEVER gives me a lower number, only a higher one.

SO. I'm going to have hubby step on the scale this morning a few times.

But I DIGRESS!

Ok so THIS morning it was 190.6 and then of course when I stepped on it again, it was 190.8 and I told it "screw you, I'm taking the 190.6 so there."

However, this is a nine pound weight loss since Wednesday. I think peeing alot has something to do with this.

Simeons original manuscript is literally fitting me to a T. It said to expect 4 to 8 pounds the first day, then about 1 - 2 pounds over the next couple of days and then to look for 1/2 to 1 pound the rest of the time.

I THINK that my body does look a tiny bit different. Hub thinks so, but he would say that because he is supportive and kind and knows how FUCKING HARD THIS DIET IS!

I truly hate this diet btw.

And I cheated twice yesterday. Well, I think it's cheating - it is if you are reading the Crappy Kevin Trudeau book but not completely if you read Simeons.

1) I ate a can of lump crap meat on my spinach salad for dinner because I left my portion of steak out on the counter.

2) Last night, I forgot my fruit. And I was hungry. So I had about 3/4 cup of 2% milk. I could FEEL the wonderful fat in this milk. It was so incredibly delicious. I couldn't believe how much I was loving that little cup of milk. And man, 2% does have a bunch of fat in it. Trevor was right about that. But you have to not eat fat for about 4 days before you can really appreciate it.

I called my friend AT this morning and she is coming over and we are going shopping and out for a chat. Then to work with K on a case - great for the diet on the weekend because there is nothing to nosh on there but chocolate and her special chapstick.

AT is here.