Actually I have not gotten onto the scale as I hit town at 11 AM and had to do a court thingie at 1 PM - without my luggage because it did not make it from OKC (thank you American Airlines for spontaneously grounding your planes, and thank you Frontier for having a broken plane BOTH DIRECTIONS, such that I had to haul my butt through the Denver airport with family in tow, attempting to make a non-existent connection on United.
SO. Makeup and decent cute shoes and clothes were in the luggage. Today was a training - ate a half sandwich (miracles of miracles, I took off the cheese because it did not seem appealing. For me, this is akin to saying the Brad Pitt or Tom Selleck or (in my case) Alan Rickman is not appealing. Weird. Went out to dinner after training because of time with colleague and family. Went to Olive Garden. Check this out. I HAD THE SOUP. Again, what is that? I always get something huge and pasta-y. And I requested a side of ... dare I say it, steamed spinach, because - because... OK because I wanted it. Who is this person? I did eat a bread stick and perhaps two.
I am wearing my size 10 Lucky Jeans. Did you know that Lucky Jeans say "Lucky You" when you unzip them, but the position of these words are as if someone else is unzipping them? Nothing from Lane Bryant has ever said that on my clothes, which is a damn shame.
I didn't know you could get clothes that got all suggestive on you. What if I was in a wreck and the nurse in the emergency department unzipped these pants and it said "Lucky You"? Of course, I would be unconscious and so the embarrassment potential would be lowered.
I am still tired and sad. No Difficult Sister Sightings. But the training was invigorating (go read about Collaborative Family Law and you'll believe me, I promise) and it gave me hope that there are new ways to solve old horrible problems.
And I got to have a colleague whom I admire to my home and out to dinner and she was lovely and my spouse and son and I felt as comfortable with her as if we had known her forever, which is not a typical thing. So a new friend for our family and I remain grateful for that.
Thank you for reading my bleeding raw pain blogs these past few days. I am not a writer and this anonymous forum has been a healing place for me. I never re-read anything on here or I would freak out and delete it. Thanks for the support and encouragement.
Tomorrow I have to get back on the scale. And drink more water. And really really avoid bread a bit longer. And get back on the scale again.
But that's tomorrow.
Tonight, I'm playing The Tudors on the On Demand because next to Alan Rickman and my husband, I could eat that guy Jonathon Rhys Meyers with a spoon, even if he is only like 22 or something.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
What I Could Do and I Did
So, my mother told me this morning that she wanted to go to Red Lobster. This was a shock to everyone in the nursing home because a) my mother has not wanted to LEAVE HER ROOM in months and b) my mother is wheelchair bound (by her own fear and choice to some degree). I asked the Director of Nursing about this and of course, we had to ask the permission of the GUARDIAN (the Difficult Sister). Because this was the third day of my visit here, I asked the D.O.N. to phone the Difficult Sister to get her permission. Of course, she wanted to speak to me directly.
After her harangue about how no one returns her phone calls, etc. etc. I was able to tell her, with sincerity, that I felt she had found a wonderful place for our parents and that I appreciated her efforts. For the most part, that was met with another volley of negativity. In the end, she said that while she felt that Red Lobster was too hard of a trip (which I agreed with at some level) I was able to wheedle out of her a ride in the car for my parents. Mind you, my parents have not been able to go for a ride in the car ANYWHERE since they were placed in the nursing home IN DECEMBER.
So, we jumped at that. Mother was bundled into the front of the rented Ford Focus, driven by husband, while my dad (who had to be reassured every 10 minutes who I was and where we were going) and my son (who was DREAMBOAT this trip - full of affection and love for two old people who are truly strangers to him) and I were in the back.
But, I back up. Before this, after the phone permission, the Difficult Sister phoned back and asked if she could "come up" which meant that she wanted to look at me. She always wants to look at me - she just can't help it.
So, I was infused by some kind of wonderful spirit, prayer, goddess, luck, what have you. She came in the room, I was able to feel PERFECTLY CALM (with no meds!) and even give a perfunctory hug, and my son also gave the appropriate Aunt Hug (although he knew the situation and was told to keep his mouth shut and be polite. He did it with style). She HAD to have noticed my weight loss - and she was bigger than I'd ever seen her, which I felt weirdly bad for but not too much. She DID NOT COMMENT on the weight loss, so no need to tell her the particulars. She wanted to know about my braces on my teeth instead. A safer topic, involving a crossbite problem. Actually I'm getting the whole mess of them capped when I'm ready. But why tell her.
Asked the Difficult Sister to lead us to the nearest McDonald's because the parents liked the cheeseburgers there once upon a time.
She looked at us like we were a comedy of errors - that it was a total mistake, etc. Mind you, my mother tends to use the restroom (post colon cancer/radiation= poor bowel control) every 20 minutes. We did not take the wheelchair. Felt like Depending upon the Depends.
Here's the best part. We drove through Nichols Hills - an old and rich part of OKC that had million dollar homes. My mother REMEMBERED. She remembered the homes, she remembered being a realtor, she REMEMBERED. She brightened up, she talked, she recollected. She was not negative. She did not demand to use the restroom.
We kept asking her if she was OK - she kept saying "let's keep driving." So we did.
It was sunny, the flowers were out, she talked and talked. She didn't look so desperate and depressed. It was glorious.
For the very first time since getting a PhD, I was able to do something that made my mother truly happy. There have been, literally about three or four times in my life that I have been able to do this in a way that I knew it made her happy. This was one of them.
We stayed out an hour and a half. The staff at the home were shocked and happy. They told me that she looked so very much better the last three days since we'd been there. One caregiver told me "We are all wanting ya'll to move here."
It was wonderful, validating and I feel so grateful, just to get that little moment with my mother and my dad. The Difficult Sister cannot "get" to me as easily now because they are in the care center. And the staff really know that the Difficult Sister can be really hard. The D.O.N. completely understood and I felt validated and like those folks had a different idea about my mother. I told them to call her "Tex" which has been her nickname forever, and I told them how to deal with my dementing dad, including calling me if he gets bad. They have my face now to the name. I feel like I had a little way to have an influence in their lives - just a tiny one -for the first time.
So, I phoned the Difficult Sister to let her know the drive went swimmingly. She of course hated it that it went well, and went on about how gee, she wishes she had the time to do the "fun stuff" but that she had to do all the work.
Her level of generally shittiness never ceases to amaze. But what's so weird, was that I didn't care at all. How is that?
Oh and here's the best part. Because my parents ate cheeseburgers (and I did eat fries and have some coke .. deeeelicious) at 3 PM, they missed their 5 PM dinner. SO, Biwi and her husband and my husband and me and my son - we went to Red Lobster and ordered out, and brought it in, and we all had a family style dinner in the small dining area, like the old days. I wasn't really hungry - too happy. Ate some grilled shrimp and some scallops. Ate one of those KILLER rolls.
Was full. Just watched my mother eat ALL of her dinner - I've never seen her eat some much. And we talked and teased and ate - dad ate his Walt's Shrimp - he was quiet but smiling.
It is a strange thing to be so filled with gratitude - given that I'm not religious (being cynical and agnostic and all) - but so filled that you wonder if you will burst.
This day was what I have needed. No matter what happens, I have had this day.
Food didn't matter, money didn't matter, even the Difficult Sister didn't matter. My husband and son stood by me, making it all possible. Biwi opened her home for us and let us do what we needed to do. And 1800.00 on American Express for three plane tickets was completely worth it.
I am grateful, too for my friends here. I read and re-read your supportive and loving comments. I feel like Rocky Balboa. I have looked the Steely Dragon in the eye and came away with my soul intact.
And I made my mother remember her real estate career. The next time I come down, she told me she wants to go to the old part of town where she lived when she moved to OKC 60 years ago. What a trip.
I hope they are alive and kicking when I can get back here again.
Our plane leaves at 6 AM. Have to find a way to sleep.
Thanks again my friends. I know this is all off topic re: hcg - (EXCEPT THAT THE D.O.N. ALSO WAS ON HCG so we bonded over that) - but it's what I needed to say.
xoxoxo
Your Brave (this time) and Very Lucky Hazel
After her harangue about how no one returns her phone calls, etc. etc. I was able to tell her, with sincerity, that I felt she had found a wonderful place for our parents and that I appreciated her efforts. For the most part, that was met with another volley of negativity. In the end, she said that while she felt that Red Lobster was too hard of a trip (which I agreed with at some level) I was able to wheedle out of her a ride in the car for my parents. Mind you, my parents have not been able to go for a ride in the car ANYWHERE since they were placed in the nursing home IN DECEMBER.
So, we jumped at that. Mother was bundled into the front of the rented Ford Focus, driven by husband, while my dad (who had to be reassured every 10 minutes who I was and where we were going) and my son (who was DREAMBOAT this trip - full of affection and love for two old people who are truly strangers to him) and I were in the back.
But, I back up. Before this, after the phone permission, the Difficult Sister phoned back and asked if she could "come up" which meant that she wanted to look at me. She always wants to look at me - she just can't help it.
So, I was infused by some kind of wonderful spirit, prayer, goddess, luck, what have you. She came in the room, I was able to feel PERFECTLY CALM (with no meds!) and even give a perfunctory hug, and my son also gave the appropriate Aunt Hug (although he knew the situation and was told to keep his mouth shut and be polite. He did it with style). She HAD to have noticed my weight loss - and she was bigger than I'd ever seen her, which I felt weirdly bad for but not too much. She DID NOT COMMENT on the weight loss, so no need to tell her the particulars. She wanted to know about my braces on my teeth instead. A safer topic, involving a crossbite problem. Actually I'm getting the whole mess of them capped when I'm ready. But why tell her.
Asked the Difficult Sister to lead us to the nearest McDonald's because the parents liked the cheeseburgers there once upon a time.
She looked at us like we were a comedy of errors - that it was a total mistake, etc. Mind you, my mother tends to use the restroom (post colon cancer/radiation= poor bowel control) every 20 minutes. We did not take the wheelchair. Felt like Depending upon the Depends.
Here's the best part. We drove through Nichols Hills - an old and rich part of OKC that had million dollar homes. My mother REMEMBERED. She remembered the homes, she remembered being a realtor, she REMEMBERED. She brightened up, she talked, she recollected. She was not negative. She did not demand to use the restroom.
We kept asking her if she was OK - she kept saying "let's keep driving." So we did.
It was sunny, the flowers were out, she talked and talked. She didn't look so desperate and depressed. It was glorious.
For the very first time since getting a PhD, I was able to do something that made my mother truly happy. There have been, literally about three or four times in my life that I have been able to do this in a way that I knew it made her happy. This was one of them.
We stayed out an hour and a half. The staff at the home were shocked and happy. They told me that she looked so very much better the last three days since we'd been there. One caregiver told me "We are all wanting ya'll to move here."
It was wonderful, validating and I feel so grateful, just to get that little moment with my mother and my dad. The Difficult Sister cannot "get" to me as easily now because they are in the care center. And the staff really know that the Difficult Sister can be really hard. The D.O.N. completely understood and I felt validated and like those folks had a different idea about my mother. I told them to call her "Tex" which has been her nickname forever, and I told them how to deal with my dementing dad, including calling me if he gets bad. They have my face now to the name. I feel like I had a little way to have an influence in their lives - just a tiny one -for the first time.
So, I phoned the Difficult Sister to let her know the drive went swimmingly. She of course hated it that it went well, and went on about how gee, she wishes she had the time to do the "fun stuff" but that she had to do all the work.
Her level of generally shittiness never ceases to amaze. But what's so weird, was that I didn't care at all. How is that?
Oh and here's the best part. Because my parents ate cheeseburgers (and I did eat fries and have some coke .. deeeelicious) at 3 PM, they missed their 5 PM dinner. SO, Biwi and her husband and my husband and me and my son - we went to Red Lobster and ordered out, and brought it in, and we all had a family style dinner in the small dining area, like the old days. I wasn't really hungry - too happy. Ate some grilled shrimp and some scallops. Ate one of those KILLER rolls.
Was full. Just watched my mother eat ALL of her dinner - I've never seen her eat some much. And we talked and teased and ate - dad ate his Walt's Shrimp - he was quiet but smiling.
It is a strange thing to be so filled with gratitude - given that I'm not religious (being cynical and agnostic and all) - but so filled that you wonder if you will burst.
This day was what I have needed. No matter what happens, I have had this day.
Food didn't matter, money didn't matter, even the Difficult Sister didn't matter. My husband and son stood by me, making it all possible. Biwi opened her home for us and let us do what we needed to do. And 1800.00 on American Express for three plane tickets was completely worth it.
I am grateful, too for my friends here. I read and re-read your supportive and loving comments. I feel like Rocky Balboa. I have looked the Steely Dragon in the eye and came away with my soul intact.
And I made my mother remember her real estate career. The next time I come down, she told me she wants to go to the old part of town where she lived when she moved to OKC 60 years ago. What a trip.
I hope they are alive and kicking when I can get back here again.
Our plane leaves at 6 AM. Have to find a way to sleep.
Thanks again my friends. I know this is all off topic re: hcg - (EXCEPT THAT THE D.O.N. ALSO WAS ON HCG so we bonded over that) - but it's what I needed to say.
xoxoxo
Your Brave (this time) and Very Lucky Hazel
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Oklahoma, Covering Sadness and Horror with Food
Well, here we are. I brought my scale with me. However, TOM has appeared. But since I'm on P3 I'm not injecting so no worries there.
Arrived late last night. Did pretty well flying all day, including changing planes (read running my ass and my kid and hubby's asses off) in Denver. Ate relatively well- no way to avoid a piece of bread - but otherwise OK. Actually needed carbs last night at 1 AM - and I'm listening to my body not to Kevin Trudeau - had a fig newton and a cracker. Sister's house (this is Biwi's house) is the kind of place where there is always someplace comfortable to sit down, lay down, or stand. Something to read (truly this woman and her husband have OVER 10,000 volumes on everything ranging from her dictionary collection - I gave her the OED all 21 volumes of it when she turned 50) to the original Ozma of Oz), Something to eat (wonderful, bad for me, good for me, comforting food), Iced Tea at all hours of the day or night, and Something to watch on TV or Movie.
The best part is Biwi and her spouse Uncle M. And two reclining chairs and three mostly well behaved dogs. And two or three computers. No one demands anything of you in this house. No need to talk. No need to perform. No need to eat or not eat. No need to do anything but read or watch tv or just BE. Not really an "active" house too - no pressure there - If you want to go be active, you are welcome to do it.
Comforting. Safe.
So, no calls from The Difficult Sister. I slept like a rock last night. Then I got up, dressed up, sucked it up and Husb and Son and I went to see my parents at The Home. I was terrified at what I'd see.
First of all, The Home itself is pretty damn good, given that they are in the hospital care part.
My parents look terrible. My mother had fallen and had a bruised face and arm. She is in a wheelchair and won't even roll herself around. Makes me want to see about getting her a HoverRound - if I can. My dad recognized me and smiled. It was like a flood of relief that he recognized me. He did not remember my husband of 14 years or my son, but he was loving to my little boy all the same. My mother remembered them both and her head lifted a bit to watch him tell her about skiing the black diamond slopes or doing ballet (my son dances ballet 4 hours a week).
My mother is so angry and depressed and sad. And she will not do anything about it. I feel like the worst child ever. I felt like I abandoned her to the Difficult Sister but in the end, I know that even if I had stayed, this is how it would have ended up.
So, I went to Targer and bought her a dvd/vcr and then bought all of the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies I could find. And then Hee Haw, and Archie Bunker and Jimmy Stewart and whatever else I could get at Barnes and Noble. And we sat, her in her wheelchair and my father asleep in his recliner, and my husband on her bed, and me in the recliner that she refuses to use because she's terrified to leave her very uncomfortable looking wheelchair - and we watched Fred and Ginger hoof it up.
And my mother said "I love those old movies" and smiled.
So at least I could give her that.
The women - all gorgeous african american women who must have more patience between them than Job ever had - initially looked at me warily until I let them know that the Difficult Sister and I don't get along well and that I hoped she wouldn't keep erasing my name and phone number off my parent's white board telephone list. One said "Ooooh Girl! That sister of yours, she can really be so dang mean!" I said "Ooh girl, just try being related to her!!" Thank goodness for those women.
I took a sharpie, permanent ink, and put my name, with the word DAUGHTER and my state and two phone numbers back on the white board where the difficult sister had wiped it off. Put Biwi's number in permanent ink on there too. So FUCK HER when she tries to wipe it off. The caregiver said "oooh girl, she be taking that whole board off when she see that!" And they all laughed.
I felt like I had a little angel on my side there.
Here's another good part. No Difficult Sister Sightings at all. Indeed, I looked in the sign in book - she hasn't been there since at least the 31st. What the hell is that? She made such a big deal about being their caregiver, their guardian, the executor of their estate and now- no visits?
Oh well. I decided I'm not telling her how I lost this weight. She can figure it out on her own - or not.
So here is what I ate today: Eggs with Velveeta Cheese (OMG I'M IN HEAVEN). Half a hamburger pattie. Two bites of cottage cheese. Part of someone's rootbeer. I just couldn't eat. This is the first time that I could not eat. It's a strange experience for me. Usually I eat to deal with all emotions, or no emotions, or what have you.
I know I need to eat now. I'm trying to respect my hunger and eat - listening to what my body really wants. But also I don't want to down a bunch of carbs and blow the good work I've done.
So, when this is done, I'll opt for some lean turkey breast sandwich meat or something and then see if that's enough. The drink a bunch of water trick keeps working too.
My husband is a saint through all of this. We left my son with his aunt and uncle and went to Target for the DVD/VCR thing - and I just sobbed and could not stop. The sense that you missed it - that you should have done something, somehow - but what - that your family is not what you wished it was - and that YOU are not what you wished you were... it's all tied up in there and I have to just sort it out.
But I'm NOT going to let food just cover dealing with it. Let the "oh to hell with it" and eat everything and then feel bad, which is the kind of feeling bad I can handle, cover the kind of feeling bad about my parents and their lives - which I can't ... or which I haven't been dealing with - I'm not doing that.
Diet, no diet - whatever. I am tired of letting food -whether I eat it, don't eat it - whatever- distract me from the truth of what is going on.
At least I've gotten that far for today. The limitations of the hcg diet at least got me to that realization.
My brother was killed in an airplane crash when my mother was my age. He was 20 years old. I was 9. My mother sortof died that day. She stopped cooking and she threw herself into her work. She stopped being very connected to me too... if she ever was. Today I told her - "You lived through the great depression, world war II, and the death of your son." She said for the first time "that was the worst thing that ever happened to me." I said "I think you threw yourself into your work - and when you had your stroke and lost your health, and couldn't work - I think you don't know what to do." My mother knew exactly what I was talking about.
Food, work, it all acts as a cover - as a distraction from what is really happening. Diets, work, family, all of it - can be used this way. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Some things are too difficult to bear. Seeing my mother's bruised face, looking up at me from her wheelchair, and remembering her brilliant career and all of her old friends who are dead, and her vivaciousness - it was just too difficult to bear. But I didn't eat my way through it. Just sobbed later. And now too I guess.
Thanks for listening, my anonymous but kindly crew.
I find courage just being able to type this out loud is more than I thought I'd ever do.
Arrived late last night. Did pretty well flying all day, including changing planes (read running my ass and my kid and hubby's asses off) in Denver. Ate relatively well- no way to avoid a piece of bread - but otherwise OK. Actually needed carbs last night at 1 AM - and I'm listening to my body not to Kevin Trudeau - had a fig newton and a cracker. Sister's house (this is Biwi's house) is the kind of place where there is always someplace comfortable to sit down, lay down, or stand. Something to read (truly this woman and her husband have OVER 10,000 volumes on everything ranging from her dictionary collection - I gave her the OED all 21 volumes of it when she turned 50) to the original Ozma of Oz), Something to eat (wonderful, bad for me, good for me, comforting food), Iced Tea at all hours of the day or night, and Something to watch on TV or Movie.
The best part is Biwi and her spouse Uncle M. And two reclining chairs and three mostly well behaved dogs. And two or three computers. No one demands anything of you in this house. No need to talk. No need to perform. No need to eat or not eat. No need to do anything but read or watch tv or just BE. Not really an "active" house too - no pressure there - If you want to go be active, you are welcome to do it.
Comforting. Safe.
So, no calls from The Difficult Sister. I slept like a rock last night. Then I got up, dressed up, sucked it up and Husb and Son and I went to see my parents at The Home. I was terrified at what I'd see.
First of all, The Home itself is pretty damn good, given that they are in the hospital care part.
My parents look terrible. My mother had fallen and had a bruised face and arm. She is in a wheelchair and won't even roll herself around. Makes me want to see about getting her a HoverRound - if I can. My dad recognized me and smiled. It was like a flood of relief that he recognized me. He did not remember my husband of 14 years or my son, but he was loving to my little boy all the same. My mother remembered them both and her head lifted a bit to watch him tell her about skiing the black diamond slopes or doing ballet (my son dances ballet 4 hours a week).
My mother is so angry and depressed and sad. And she will not do anything about it. I feel like the worst child ever. I felt like I abandoned her to the Difficult Sister but in the end, I know that even if I had stayed, this is how it would have ended up.
So, I went to Targer and bought her a dvd/vcr and then bought all of the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies I could find. And then Hee Haw, and Archie Bunker and Jimmy Stewart and whatever else I could get at Barnes and Noble. And we sat, her in her wheelchair and my father asleep in his recliner, and my husband on her bed, and me in the recliner that she refuses to use because she's terrified to leave her very uncomfortable looking wheelchair - and we watched Fred and Ginger hoof it up.
And my mother said "I love those old movies" and smiled.
So at least I could give her that.
The women - all gorgeous african american women who must have more patience between them than Job ever had - initially looked at me warily until I let them know that the Difficult Sister and I don't get along well and that I hoped she wouldn't keep erasing my name and phone number off my parent's white board telephone list. One said "Ooooh Girl! That sister of yours, she can really be so dang mean!" I said "Ooh girl, just try being related to her!!" Thank goodness for those women.
I took a sharpie, permanent ink, and put my name, with the word DAUGHTER and my state and two phone numbers back on the white board where the difficult sister had wiped it off. Put Biwi's number in permanent ink on there too. So FUCK HER when she tries to wipe it off. The caregiver said "oooh girl, she be taking that whole board off when she see that!" And they all laughed.
I felt like I had a little angel on my side there.
Here's another good part. No Difficult Sister Sightings at all. Indeed, I looked in the sign in book - she hasn't been there since at least the 31st. What the hell is that? She made such a big deal about being their caregiver, their guardian, the executor of their estate and now- no visits?
Oh well. I decided I'm not telling her how I lost this weight. She can figure it out on her own - or not.
So here is what I ate today: Eggs with Velveeta Cheese (OMG I'M IN HEAVEN). Half a hamburger pattie. Two bites of cottage cheese. Part of someone's rootbeer. I just couldn't eat. This is the first time that I could not eat. It's a strange experience for me. Usually I eat to deal with all emotions, or no emotions, or what have you.
I know I need to eat now. I'm trying to respect my hunger and eat - listening to what my body really wants. But also I don't want to down a bunch of carbs and blow the good work I've done.
So, when this is done, I'll opt for some lean turkey breast sandwich meat or something and then see if that's enough. The drink a bunch of water trick keeps working too.
My husband is a saint through all of this. We left my son with his aunt and uncle and went to Target for the DVD/VCR thing - and I just sobbed and could not stop. The sense that you missed it - that you should have done something, somehow - but what - that your family is not what you wished it was - and that YOU are not what you wished you were... it's all tied up in there and I have to just sort it out.
But I'm NOT going to let food just cover dealing with it. Let the "oh to hell with it" and eat everything and then feel bad, which is the kind of feeling bad I can handle, cover the kind of feeling bad about my parents and their lives - which I can't ... or which I haven't been dealing with - I'm not doing that.
Diet, no diet - whatever. I am tired of letting food -whether I eat it, don't eat it - whatever- distract me from the truth of what is going on.
At least I've gotten that far for today. The limitations of the hcg diet at least got me to that realization.
My brother was killed in an airplane crash when my mother was my age. He was 20 years old. I was 9. My mother sortof died that day. She stopped cooking and she threw herself into her work. She stopped being very connected to me too... if she ever was. Today I told her - "You lived through the great depression, world war II, and the death of your son." She said for the first time "that was the worst thing that ever happened to me." I said "I think you threw yourself into your work - and when you had your stroke and lost your health, and couldn't work - I think you don't know what to do." My mother knew exactly what I was talking about.
Food, work, it all acts as a cover - as a distraction from what is really happening. Diets, work, family, all of it - can be used this way. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Some things are too difficult to bear. Seeing my mother's bruised face, looking up at me from her wheelchair, and remembering her brilliant career and all of her old friends who are dead, and her vivaciousness - it was just too difficult to bear. But I didn't eat my way through it. Just sobbed later. And now too I guess.
Thanks for listening, my anonymous but kindly crew.
I find courage just being able to type this out loud is more than I thought I'd ever do.
Friday, April 4, 2008
P3 and Bragg Aminos
OK, let's just get right to it. I was "officially" on P3 yesterday. This is what I ate:
Went to french secretary's house for lunch. We had spinach with some lovely ham, and she made an olive oil/balsamic dressing. Oh and tomatoes. Also we had this lovely cheese from germany that had just a TOUCH of the old "blue" in it. And I ate a wee piece of bread - the kind with all sorts of nuts and seeds in it. YUM.
Then for dinner, after my "blue period" blog, (thanks for the support on that btw), I ate a chicken breast that had been lanquishing in Bragg's Aminos, something I love alot, grilled asparagus and that killer apple dessert with Z-sweet and cinnamon under the broiler, with a couple of dots of butter.
This morning, VOILA! 182! Can you EVEN BELIEVE IT?
CLICK ON THIS PICTURE AND STUDY THE WOMAN IN IT.
Ok, now I've got to talk about Bragg's Aminos. I love the taste but frankly, I love the bottle more. I have attempted to scan my bottle of Bragg's. I will try to put the picture somewhere on this, but if not, get your own bottle and have a look.
There's a picture of Patricia Bragg, entitled "Patricia Bragg, Health Crusader" on the label. She has a big smile, a straw hat with flowers on it, and what appears to be a convention of VOLES perched upon her shoulder. WHAT IS THAT? Someone should tell her. It's distracting.
Also, there's a bible verse reference, "3 John 2" which when I looked it up said:
Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.
Which I thought was totally sweet. Uh oh, my font has changed. It's a MIRACLE! I love it that she also has it "kosher Certified" and that she says "the Lifestyle that will Keep you Ageless" on it.The whole thing just makes me happy..
As it is, These Bragg Aminos just make you feel like you are doing something right. I soak chicken in it. I put it in eggs. I taste it and then compare to Soy Sauce and then back again when I am feeling Foodie and Bored.
SO.
Now, I must work on a case all day. Working at home has challenges because it makes me want to wander into the kitchen and munch away. Here's the Rule of the Day. If I feel hungry (in an unreasonable, noshing for the sake of noshing way) I'm going to drink 16 oz of water FIRST. Then if I'm STILL hungry, it's time for some protein. Let's see what happens. I would be SO STOKED to break that 182 tomorrow morning - but it's a LONG time before tomorrow morning, as everyone here completely knows.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Tough Day
Without talking too much about my work - today I was assigned a case involving a violent death. It must have really taken it out of me. Plus, my Good Sis Biwi phoned to say that the Difficult and Pain in the Ass Sis "wants to know when you will be coming to see Mom and Dad."
I made the reservation for the trip and we're leaving Saturday. WHY the P.I.Ass sister has any need to know about when I arrive is frankly beyond me.
This sister has been emotionally abusive to me and Biwi and has no insight about it. She has ALL of the guardianship and control of my parents and we must go "directly through her" for any and all information about them. I grieved my parents and the thought that I could ever do anything for them, when she went to the Court and gained that control. Her son lives in my parents' home - the home I grew up in - him and his three illegitimate kids - I know, it's judgmental and who knows, maybe they're married - it's not the point - they are IN MY PARENTS' HOME. I am the only one who grew up in this home - the other sisters (they are twins) are 13 years older than me - they had moved out. I cringe to think of those people going through the things - the detritus of my childhood left behind. And I am "not allowed to go to the home unless P.I. Ass sister is present." FUCK HER.
I'm not going to the home. I'm not going anywhere near her. I just want to see my parents. Why do I have to tell her anything about when I'm coming? And why doesn't she just call me herself instead of Biwi? I am not interested in sharing my visit with my parents with her in the room - and fuck her if she tries that. But you know she will. I know she will.
She completely hates me. She has since I was a child - of course, I had NO IDEA this was the case - because it seemed too monstrous. I was a little kid - what could I have ever done to deserve that?
But she does. I finally had to accept it. But part of acceptance is that I am not playing ball with her. My parents are in their 80's. My mother is wheelchair bound and is sitting there, literally waiting to die. My father has dementia - so he's happy but can't have meaningful conversations with anyone. I am going. I had a court thing cancel so I can go. I don't want to go. I feel that I am a bad child because I don't want to deal with the difficult sister. My parents live very far away from me. It's more than a two day drive. They, especially my mother, have not been able to visit me or my family for over ten years. They did not, could not come, when my child was born. No one did. The family really consists of me and my sister Biwi because she was there in an emotional sense for me and always has been. The other sister hated both of us - we were simply not cool enough for her or something - I don't know - but now feels "ganged up on" which just KILLS me, as she is spending my parents' money, she is controlling everything, and has told both of us in no uncertain terms how much she hates us, with an amazing level of contempt.
I do not seek her out. Why can't she just leave me alone?
You would think that I could figure this out, but I can't.
And here's the thing that relates to weight and food. If she sees me, and sees me so much thinner now (I was thinner than her to begin with), then her hatred will be higher. I know it. I can FEEL it. Part of me wants to say Na Na Na - but a bigger part is afraid. She's scary when she's jealous.
Will I overeat because I want to Fit In to my old roots back home? Will I overeat because my healthy eating will make her think that I'm just "showing off" which she has said about my practice, my education and everything else, I shit you not.
Will I overeat because of the tension and anxiety I feel? Why the FUCK did she have to stir the pot? Why the FUCK does she have to know my every move?
I don't want to interact with her at all. AT ALL. But I don't want to have an embarrassing scene, which is what she counts on. I just want to politely be with my parents, ALONE.
She called last month and I picked up the phone (because I didn't look at caller ID) and she said "when are you coming to visit?" and I told her "end of March." So now, why does she call my local Biwi sister to find out?
I told Mom on the phone that I'd visit her on Sunday. I suppose Mom remembered or who knows.. Perhaps she tape records every phone call that Mom has with me. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.
WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to see or talk to this person. But she is going to press it, counting on me not to make a scene.
Well, now you all know my dirty family skeleton shit.
Better put it here than talk about it with P.I.Ass Sister directly. Don't want to give her the satisfaction. I am done. The last time she called and screamed at me, and put me on a list of people who were "not allowed" to contact my parents WHEN THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, I was done. I have hours of history of telephone conversations in which she literally screams at me and tells me "this is the way you can help our parents. by allowing me to 'vent' on you."
I am done.
But I can feel her and that she's gonna make a scene.
HELP!
I made the reservation for the trip and we're leaving Saturday. WHY the P.I.Ass sister has any need to know about when I arrive is frankly beyond me.
This sister has been emotionally abusive to me and Biwi and has no insight about it. She has ALL of the guardianship and control of my parents and we must go "directly through her" for any and all information about them. I grieved my parents and the thought that I could ever do anything for them, when she went to the Court and gained that control. Her son lives in my parents' home - the home I grew up in - him and his three illegitimate kids - I know, it's judgmental and who knows, maybe they're married - it's not the point - they are IN MY PARENTS' HOME. I am the only one who grew up in this home - the other sisters (they are twins) are 13 years older than me - they had moved out. I cringe to think of those people going through the things - the detritus of my childhood left behind. And I am "not allowed to go to the home unless P.I. Ass sister is present." FUCK HER.
I'm not going to the home. I'm not going anywhere near her. I just want to see my parents. Why do I have to tell her anything about when I'm coming? And why doesn't she just call me herself instead of Biwi? I am not interested in sharing my visit with my parents with her in the room - and fuck her if she tries that. But you know she will. I know she will.
She completely hates me. She has since I was a child - of course, I had NO IDEA this was the case - because it seemed too monstrous. I was a little kid - what could I have ever done to deserve that?
But she does. I finally had to accept it. But part of acceptance is that I am not playing ball with her. My parents are in their 80's. My mother is wheelchair bound and is sitting there, literally waiting to die. My father has dementia - so he's happy but can't have meaningful conversations with anyone. I am going. I had a court thing cancel so I can go. I don't want to go. I feel that I am a bad child because I don't want to deal with the difficult sister. My parents live very far away from me. It's more than a two day drive. They, especially my mother, have not been able to visit me or my family for over ten years. They did not, could not come, when my child was born. No one did. The family really consists of me and my sister Biwi because she was there in an emotional sense for me and always has been. The other sister hated both of us - we were simply not cool enough for her or something - I don't know - but now feels "ganged up on" which just KILLS me, as she is spending my parents' money, she is controlling everything, and has told both of us in no uncertain terms how much she hates us, with an amazing level of contempt.
I do not seek her out. Why can't she just leave me alone?
You would think that I could figure this out, but I can't.
And here's the thing that relates to weight and food. If she sees me, and sees me so much thinner now (I was thinner than her to begin with), then her hatred will be higher. I know it. I can FEEL it. Part of me wants to say Na Na Na - but a bigger part is afraid. She's scary when she's jealous.
Will I overeat because I want to Fit In to my old roots back home? Will I overeat because my healthy eating will make her think that I'm just "showing off" which she has said about my practice, my education and everything else, I shit you not.
Will I overeat because of the tension and anxiety I feel? Why the FUCK did she have to stir the pot? Why the FUCK does she have to know my every move?
I don't want to interact with her at all. AT ALL. But I don't want to have an embarrassing scene, which is what she counts on. I just want to politely be with my parents, ALONE.
She called last month and I picked up the phone (because I didn't look at caller ID) and she said "when are you coming to visit?" and I told her "end of March." So now, why does she call my local Biwi sister to find out?
I told Mom on the phone that I'd visit her on Sunday. I suppose Mom remembered or who knows.. Perhaps she tape records every phone call that Mom has with me. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.
WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to see or talk to this person. But she is going to press it, counting on me not to make a scene.
Well, now you all know my dirty family skeleton shit.
Better put it here than talk about it with P.I.Ass Sister directly. Don't want to give her the satisfaction. I am done. The last time she called and screamed at me, and put me on a list of people who were "not allowed" to contact my parents WHEN THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, I was done. I have hours of history of telephone conversations in which she literally screams at me and tells me "this is the way you can help our parents. by allowing me to 'vent' on you."
I am done.
But I can feel her and that she's gonna make a scene.
HELP!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Dr. T. and more Braces on my Teeth
Well, I saw Dr. T today. He remained tolerant of my bizarre anxiety and blabberyness. I am at 182.8 on his scale. I am calling that my LIW. I guess it should be LIW = 183. So I had a shot on Saturday but not Sunday (hubby went skiing early and we just forgot about it by the time he got back.) Had a shot on Monday but not Tuesday or Wednesday. So I guess I'll be attempting to keep myself on "phase 2" until Thursday... or NOT! HEH HEH.
Dr. T said that I've lost about 5% body fat (but I'm still half lard, I swear to god) and it's about a 17 pound loss overall. And that's with a SHIT LOAD of cheating like a mad woman.
I went to the site that's hcg recipes for Phase 3 and was SO HAPPY to see Pumpkin PIE OMG!!! And I think Biz has a link to this low carb site where the chick is making some kind of bizzarro low carb bread called and oopsie. I am intensely curious about the nature of this bread.
I think it's because it carries the label "BREAD" that I so curious about it.
OK - so also, I got MORE braces not LESS and my teeth are killing me. They never hurt before in my Orthodontic Journey so this was a horrid shock. And of course, dinner was a very delicious and expensive portion of that grass fed beef - a new york steak. I was LICKING the steak because I literally could not chew it. Then I got really mad because even in teeny bites, I just had to swallow it without chewing it at all, like a wolf or a coyote or something. And my teeth still hurt anyway.
So I dug through the medicine cabinet and found a dusty Lortab. I took it. A half and hour later, I re-heated the steak and chewed happily in a Lortab haze. Lortab is nasty stuff though because it also creates nausea and in me, a pronounced slur of speech, making me sound like Liza Minnelli after a rough night out with Joel Grey.
My teeth STILL hurt. So what to eat? I'm hoping for Nice Soft Fish. I can't think of what else would work.
Thanks for the support gentle readers. P3 here I come.
Dr. T said that I've lost about 5% body fat (but I'm still half lard, I swear to god) and it's about a 17 pound loss overall. And that's with a SHIT LOAD of cheating like a mad woman.
I went to the site that's hcg recipes for Phase 3 and was SO HAPPY to see Pumpkin PIE OMG!!! And I think Biz has a link to this low carb site where the chick is making some kind of bizzarro low carb bread called and oopsie. I am intensely curious about the nature of this bread.
I think it's because it carries the label "BREAD" that I so curious about it.
OK - so also, I got MORE braces not LESS and my teeth are killing me. They never hurt before in my Orthodontic Journey so this was a horrid shock. And of course, dinner was a very delicious and expensive portion of that grass fed beef - a new york steak. I was LICKING the steak because I literally could not chew it. Then I got really mad because even in teeny bites, I just had to swallow it without chewing it at all, like a wolf or a coyote or something. And my teeth still hurt anyway.
So I dug through the medicine cabinet and found a dusty Lortab. I took it. A half and hour later, I re-heated the steak and chewed happily in a Lortab haze. Lortab is nasty stuff though because it also creates nausea and in me, a pronounced slur of speech, making me sound like Liza Minnelli after a rough night out with Joel Grey.
My teeth STILL hurt. So what to eat? I'm hoping for Nice Soft Fish. I can't think of what else would work.
Thanks for the support gentle readers. P3 here I come.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
STOPPING THE SHOTS
Well, I've stopped the shots. I think that after 30 days of it, they do lose their potency - actually I'm a little past 30 days. I'm still at 185 so I'm OK with that. Fifteen pounds this first time isn't bad.
I need to go back and read Simeons about what exactly I CAN eat - like I'm actually hoping for carrots and squash - I do understand about bread, pasta and rice - although if I can't stand it, I'm gonna do the brown versions of those items.
I long and lust for CHEESE - I know, I know, in moderation. I'm happy to be off Yerba Dirt Tea. I found out that Swerve IS Z-Sweet so that's a good thing.
I went to the Health Food Market and bought my organic chicken, steak and BUFFALO (hee hee) which I had ground into Buffalo Burgers (4 oz. each) and I'm still going to eat my George Forman Grilled Meat with Spinach/Asparagus or what have you because I like eating that way if I can.
I have NO urge for a coca cola and if you knew me you would be shocked to hear this.
I long for chocolate. I did nibble the ears on my kid's easter bunny and that was a nice treat.
I'm also looking at this stuff on Intuitive Eating more closely - trying to just LISTEN to what my body wants - not just eat because it's there.
But I'm nervous. But other people do this phase - let's see.. three? The part after VLCD and are OK.
How long before I make my next round of VLCD and shots again?
I'll let you know what Dr. T says. Damn, 15 pounds is not record breaking but I can comfortably wear size 12 and can sleazily wear my 1o's and that in and of itself is a miracle.
On the down side:
1) Court tomorrow and it's a weird and sad case and I have to sit with the parents and tell them what I think about their kids/their parenting and so forth.
2) My parents are failing and so because I had a big cancellation in my schedule I am taking hubby and son and flying to OKC this saturday to see them. I am scared because they are now in a nursing facility, my mom is wheelchair bound (frankly because of her own stubbornness and now she really is waiting for death) and my dad has pretty significant dementia. He still remembers me though - I think.
3) I got braces last year (yes I know, at my age? But it was time) and I THOUGHT I was getting them off today. But the orthodontist and the dentist talked and now they decided to fix my crossbite after all so I got MORE BRACES today. My mouth hurts like hell AND trying to chew my steak was ridiculous. And grass fed beef is 14.00 per pound dammit.
But: I am 15 lbs down, have great family and friends, and did I say I'm 15 pounds down? For as much "cheating "as I did, that's not so bad I think.
But no more shots? I forgot to get one on Sunday, then had one on Monday, then decided to stop today. So I guess I still eat program until when....Thursday? Friday? I'll do my best and watch the scale like a hawk.
XO to you all. And when can I go back on the shots again?
xxoxo
I need to go back and read Simeons about what exactly I CAN eat - like I'm actually hoping for carrots and squash - I do understand about bread, pasta and rice - although if I can't stand it, I'm gonna do the brown versions of those items.
I long and lust for CHEESE - I know, I know, in moderation. I'm happy to be off Yerba Dirt Tea. I found out that Swerve IS Z-Sweet so that's a good thing.
I went to the Health Food Market and bought my organic chicken, steak and BUFFALO (hee hee) which I had ground into Buffalo Burgers (4 oz. each) and I'm still going to eat my George Forman Grilled Meat with Spinach/Asparagus or what have you because I like eating that way if I can.
I have NO urge for a coca cola and if you knew me you would be shocked to hear this.
I long for chocolate. I did nibble the ears on my kid's easter bunny and that was a nice treat.
I'm also looking at this stuff on Intuitive Eating more closely - trying to just LISTEN to what my body wants - not just eat because it's there.
But I'm nervous. But other people do this phase - let's see.. three? The part after VLCD and are OK.
How long before I make my next round of VLCD and shots again?
I'll let you know what Dr. T says. Damn, 15 pounds is not record breaking but I can comfortably wear size 12 and can sleazily wear my 1o's and that in and of itself is a miracle.
On the down side:
1) Court tomorrow and it's a weird and sad case and I have to sit with the parents and tell them what I think about their kids/their parenting and so forth.
2) My parents are failing and so because I had a big cancellation in my schedule I am taking hubby and son and flying to OKC this saturday to see them. I am scared because they are now in a nursing facility, my mom is wheelchair bound (frankly because of her own stubbornness and now she really is waiting for death) and my dad has pretty significant dementia. He still remembers me though - I think.
3) I got braces last year (yes I know, at my age? But it was time) and I THOUGHT I was getting them off today. But the orthodontist and the dentist talked and now they decided to fix my crossbite after all so I got MORE BRACES today. My mouth hurts like hell AND trying to chew my steak was ridiculous. And grass fed beef is 14.00 per pound dammit.
But: I am 15 lbs down, have great family and friends, and did I say I'm 15 pounds down? For as much "cheating "as I did, that's not so bad I think.
But no more shots? I forgot to get one on Sunday, then had one on Monday, then decided to stop today. So I guess I still eat program until when....Thursday? Friday? I'll do my best and watch the scale like a hawk.
XO to you all. And when can I go back on the shots again?
xxoxo
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