What I Could Do and I Did

So, my mother told me this morning that she wanted to go to Red Lobster. This was a shock to everyone in the nursing home because a) my mother has not wanted to LEAVE HER ROOM in months and b) my mother is wheelchair bound (by her own fear and choice to some degree). I asked the Director of Nursing about this and of course, we had to ask the permission of the GUARDIAN (the Difficult Sister). Because this was the third day of my visit here, I asked the D.O.N. to phone the Difficult Sister to get her permission. Of course, she wanted to speak to me directly.

After her harangue about how no one returns her phone calls, etc. etc. I was able to tell her, with sincerity, that I felt she had found a wonderful place for our parents and that I appreciated her efforts. For the most part, that was met with another volley of negativity. In the end, she said that while she felt that Red Lobster was too hard of a trip (which I agreed with at some level) I was able to wheedle out of her a ride in the car for my parents. Mind you, my parents have not been able to go for a ride in the car ANYWHERE since they were placed in the nursing home IN DECEMBER.

So, we jumped at that. Mother was bundled into the front of the rented Ford Focus, driven by husband, while my dad (who had to be reassured every 10 minutes who I was and where we were going) and my son (who was DREAMBOAT this trip - full of affection and love for two old people who are truly strangers to him) and I were in the back.

But, I back up. Before this, after the phone permission, the Difficult Sister phoned back and asked if she could "come up" which meant that she wanted to look at me. She always wants to look at me - she just can't help it.

So, I was infused by some kind of wonderful spirit, prayer, goddess, luck, what have you. She came in the room, I was able to feel PERFECTLY CALM (with no meds!) and even give a perfunctory hug, and my son also gave the appropriate Aunt Hug (although he knew the situation and was told to keep his mouth shut and be polite. He did it with style). She HAD to have noticed my weight loss - and she was bigger than I'd ever seen her, which I felt weirdly bad for but not too much. She DID NOT COMMENT on the weight loss, so no need to tell her the particulars. She wanted to know about my braces on my teeth instead. A safer topic, involving a crossbite problem. Actually I'm getting the whole mess of them capped when I'm ready. But why tell her.

Asked the Difficult Sister to lead us to the nearest McDonald's because the parents liked the cheeseburgers there once upon a time.

She looked at us like we were a comedy of errors - that it was a total mistake, etc. Mind you, my mother tends to use the restroom (post colon cancer/radiation= poor bowel control) every 20 minutes. We did not take the wheelchair. Felt like Depending upon the Depends.

Here's the best part. We drove through Nichols Hills - an old and rich part of OKC that had million dollar homes. My mother REMEMBERED. She remembered the homes, she remembered being a realtor, she REMEMBERED. She brightened up, she talked, she recollected. She was not negative. She did not demand to use the restroom.

We kept asking her if she was OK - she kept saying "let's keep driving." So we did.

It was sunny, the flowers were out, she talked and talked. She didn't look so desperate and depressed. It was glorious.

For the very first time since getting a PhD, I was able to do something that made my mother truly happy. There have been, literally about three or four times in my life that I have been able to do this in a way that I knew it made her happy. This was one of them.

We stayed out an hour and a half. The staff at the home were shocked and happy. They told me that she looked so very much better the last three days since we'd been there. One caregiver told me "We are all wanting ya'll to move here."

It was wonderful, validating and I feel so grateful, just to get that little moment with my mother and my dad. The Difficult Sister cannot "get" to me as easily now because they are in the care center. And the staff really know that the Difficult Sister can be really hard. The D.O.N. completely understood and I felt validated and like those folks had a different idea about my mother. I told them to call her "Tex" which has been her nickname forever, and I told them how to deal with my dementing dad, including calling me if he gets bad. They have my face now to the name. I feel like I had a little way to have an influence in their lives - just a tiny one -for the first time.

So, I phoned the Difficult Sister to let her know the drive went swimmingly. She of course hated it that it went well, and went on about how gee, she wishes she had the time to do the "fun stuff" but that she had to do all the work.

Her level of generally shittiness never ceases to amaze. But what's so weird, was that I didn't care at all. How is that?

Oh and here's the best part. Because my parents ate cheeseburgers (and I did eat fries and have some coke .. deeeelicious) at 3 PM, they missed their 5 PM dinner. SO, Biwi and her husband and my husband and me and my son - we went to Red Lobster and ordered out, and brought it in, and we all had a family style dinner in the small dining area, like the old days. I wasn't really hungry - too happy. Ate some grilled shrimp and some scallops. Ate one of those KILLER rolls.
Was full. Just watched my mother eat ALL of her dinner - I've never seen her eat some much. And we talked and teased and ate - dad ate his Walt's Shrimp - he was quiet but smiling.

It is a strange thing to be so filled with gratitude - given that I'm not religious (being cynical and agnostic and all) - but so filled that you wonder if you will burst.

This day was what I have needed. No matter what happens, I have had this day.

Food didn't matter, money didn't matter, even the Difficult Sister didn't matter. My husband and son stood by me, making it all possible. Biwi opened her home for us and let us do what we needed to do. And 1800.00 on American Express for three plane tickets was completely worth it.

I am grateful, too for my friends here. I read and re-read your supportive and loving comments. I feel like Rocky Balboa. I have looked the Steely Dragon in the eye and came away with my soul intact.

And I made my mother remember her real estate career. The next time I come down, she told me she wants to go to the old part of town where she lived when she moved to OKC 60 years ago. What a trip.

I hope they are alive and kicking when I can get back here again.

Our plane leaves at 6 AM. Have to find a way to sleep.

Thanks again my friends. I know this is all off topic re: hcg - (EXCEPT THAT THE D.O.N. ALSO WAS ON HCG so we bonded over that) - but it's what I needed to say.

xoxoxo

Your Brave (this time) and Very Lucky Hazel