Oklahoma, Covering Sadness and Horror with Food

Well, here we are. I brought my scale with me. However, TOM has appeared. But since I'm on P3 I'm not injecting so no worries there.

Arrived late last night. Did pretty well flying all day, including changing planes (read running my ass and my kid and hubby's asses off) in Denver. Ate relatively well- no way to avoid a piece of bread - but otherwise OK. Actually needed carbs last night at 1 AM - and I'm listening to my body not to Kevin Trudeau - had a fig newton and a cracker. Sister's house (this is Biwi's house) is the kind of place where there is always someplace comfortable to sit down, lay down, or stand. Something to read (truly this woman and her husband have OVER 10,000 volumes on everything ranging from her dictionary collection - I gave her the OED all 21 volumes of it when she turned 50) to the original Ozma of Oz), Something to eat (wonderful, bad for me, good for me, comforting food), Iced Tea at all hours of the day or night, and Something to watch on TV or Movie.

The best part is Biwi and her spouse Uncle M. And two reclining chairs and three mostly well behaved dogs. And two or three computers. No one demands anything of you in this house. No need to talk. No need to perform. No need to eat or not eat. No need to do anything but read or watch tv or just BE. Not really an "active" house too - no pressure there - If you want to go be active, you are welcome to do it.

Comforting. Safe.

So, no calls from The Difficult Sister. I slept like a rock last night. Then I got up, dressed up, sucked it up and Husb and Son and I went to see my parents at The Home. I was terrified at what I'd see.

First of all, The Home itself is pretty damn good, given that they are in the hospital care part.

My parents look terrible. My mother had fallen and had a bruised face and arm. She is in a wheelchair and won't even roll herself around. Makes me want to see about getting her a HoverRound - if I can. My dad recognized me and smiled. It was like a flood of relief that he recognized me. He did not remember my husband of 14 years or my son, but he was loving to my little boy all the same. My mother remembered them both and her head lifted a bit to watch him tell her about skiing the black diamond slopes or doing ballet (my son dances ballet 4 hours a week).

My mother is so angry and depressed and sad. And she will not do anything about it. I feel like the worst child ever. I felt like I abandoned her to the Difficult Sister but in the end, I know that even if I had stayed, this is how it would have ended up.

So, I went to Targer and bought her a dvd/vcr and then bought all of the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies I could find. And then Hee Haw, and Archie Bunker and Jimmy Stewart and whatever else I could get at Barnes and Noble. And we sat, her in her wheelchair and my father asleep in his recliner, and my husband on her bed, and me in the recliner that she refuses to use because she's terrified to leave her very uncomfortable looking wheelchair - and we watched Fred and Ginger hoof it up.

And my mother said "I love those old movies" and smiled.

So at least I could give her that.

The women - all gorgeous african american women who must have more patience between them than Job ever had - initially looked at me warily until I let them know that the Difficult Sister and I don't get along well and that I hoped she wouldn't keep erasing my name and phone number off my parent's white board telephone list. One said "Ooooh Girl! That sister of yours, she can really be so dang mean!" I said "Ooh girl, just try being related to her!!" Thank goodness for those women.

I took a sharpie, permanent ink, and put my name, with the word DAUGHTER and my state and two phone numbers back on the white board where the difficult sister had wiped it off. Put Biwi's number in permanent ink on there too. So FUCK HER when she tries to wipe it off. The caregiver said "oooh girl, she be taking that whole board off when she see that!" And they all laughed.

I felt like I had a little angel on my side there.

Here's another good part. No Difficult Sister Sightings at all. Indeed, I looked in the sign in book - she hasn't been there since at least the 31st. What the hell is that? She made such a big deal about being their caregiver, their guardian, the executor of their estate and now- no visits?

Oh well. I decided I'm not telling her how I lost this weight. She can figure it out on her own - or not.

So here is what I ate today: Eggs with Velveeta Cheese (OMG I'M IN HEAVEN). Half a hamburger pattie. Two bites of cottage cheese. Part of someone's rootbeer. I just couldn't eat. This is the first time that I could not eat. It's a strange experience for me. Usually I eat to deal with all emotions, or no emotions, or what have you.

I know I need to eat now. I'm trying to respect my hunger and eat - listening to what my body really wants. But also I don't want to down a bunch of carbs and blow the good work I've done.

So, when this is done, I'll opt for some lean turkey breast sandwich meat or something and then see if that's enough. The drink a bunch of water trick keeps working too.

My husband is a saint through all of this. We left my son with his aunt and uncle and went to Target for the DVD/VCR thing - and I just sobbed and could not stop. The sense that you missed it - that you should have done something, somehow - but what - that your family is not what you wished it was - and that YOU are not what you wished you were... it's all tied up in there and I have to just sort it out.

But I'm NOT going to let food just cover dealing with it. Let the "oh to hell with it" and eat everything and then feel bad, which is the kind of feeling bad I can handle, cover the kind of feeling bad about my parents and their lives - which I can't ... or which I haven't been dealing with - I'm not doing that.

Diet, no diet - whatever. I am tired of letting food -whether I eat it, don't eat it - whatever- distract me from the truth of what is going on.

At least I've gotten that far for today. The limitations of the hcg diet at least got me to that realization.

My brother was killed in an airplane crash when my mother was my age. He was 20 years old. I was 9. My mother sortof died that day. She stopped cooking and she threw herself into her work. She stopped being very connected to me too... if she ever was. Today I told her - "You lived through the great depression, world war II, and the death of your son." She said for the first time "that was the worst thing that ever happened to me." I said "I think you threw yourself into your work - and when you had your stroke and lost your health, and couldn't work - I think you don't know what to do." My mother knew exactly what I was talking about.

Food, work, it all acts as a cover - as a distraction from what is really happening. Diets, work, family, all of it - can be used this way. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Some things are too difficult to bear. Seeing my mother's bruised face, looking up at me from her wheelchair, and remembering her brilliant career and all of her old friends who are dead, and her vivaciousness - it was just too difficult to bear. But I didn't eat my way through it. Just sobbed later. And now too I guess.

Thanks for listening, my anonymous but kindly crew.

I find courage just being able to type this out loud is more than I thought I'd ever do.

P3 and Bragg Aminos

OK, let's just get right to it. I was "officially" on P3 yesterday. This is what I ate:

Went to french secretary's house for lunch. We had spinach with some lovely ham, and she made an olive oil/balsamic dressing. Oh and tomatoes. Also we had this lovely cheese from germany that had just a TOUCH of the old "blue" in it. And I ate a wee piece of bread - the kind with all sorts of nuts and seeds in it. YUM.

Then for dinner, after my "blue period" blog, (thanks for the support on that btw), I ate a chicken breast that had been lanquishing in Bragg's Aminos, something I love alot, grilled asparagus and that killer apple dessert with Z-sweet and cinnamon under the broiler, with a couple of dots of butter.

This morning, VOILA! 182! Can you EVEN BELIEVE IT?

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE AND STUDY THE WOMAN IN IT.

Ok, now I've got to talk about Bragg's Aminos. I love the taste but frankly, I love the bottle more. I have attempted to scan my bottle of Bragg's. I will try to put the picture somewhere on this, but if not, get your own bottle and have a look.

There's a picture of Patricia Bragg, entitled "Patricia Bragg, Health Crusader" on the label. She has a big smile, a straw hat with flowers on it, and what appears to be a convention of VOLES perched upon her shoulder. WHAT IS THAT? Someone should tell her. It's distracting.

Also, there's a bible verse reference, "3 John 2" which when I looked it up said:

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.

Which I thought was totally sweet. Uh oh, my font has changed. It's a MIRACLE! I love it that she also has it "kosher Certified" and that she says "the Lifestyle that will Keep you Ageless" on it.

The whole thing just makes me happy..

As it is, These Bragg Aminos just make you feel like you are doing something right. I soak chicken in it. I put it in eggs. I taste it and then compare to Soy Sauce and then back again when I am feeling Foodie and Bored.

SO.

Now, I must work on a case all day. Working at home has challenges because it makes me want to wander into the kitchen and munch away. Here's the Rule of the Day. If I feel hungry (in an unreasonable, noshing for the sake of noshing way) I'm going to drink 16 oz of water FIRST. Then if I'm STILL hungry, it's time for some protein. Let's see what happens. I would be SO STOKED to break that 182 tomorrow morning - but it's a LONG time before tomorrow morning, as everyone here completely knows.

The Tough Day

Without talking too much about my work - today I was assigned a case involving a violent death. It must have really taken it out of me. Plus, my Good Sis Biwi phoned to say that the Difficult and Pain in the Ass Sis "wants to know when you will be coming to see Mom and Dad."

I made the reservation for the trip and we're leaving Saturday. WHY the P.I.Ass sister has any need to know about when I arrive is frankly beyond me.

This sister has been emotionally abusive to me and Biwi and has no insight about it. She has ALL of the guardianship and control of my parents and we must go "directly through her" for any and all information about them. I grieved my parents and the thought that I could ever do anything for them, when she went to the Court and gained that control. Her son lives in my parents' home - the home I grew up in - him and his three illegitimate kids - I know, it's judgmental and who knows, maybe they're married - it's not the point - they are IN MY PARENTS' HOME. I am the only one who grew up in this home - the other sisters (they are twins) are 13 years older than me - they had moved out. I cringe to think of those people going through the things - the detritus of my childhood left behind. And I am "not allowed to go to the home unless P.I. Ass sister is present." FUCK HER.

I'm not going to the home. I'm not going anywhere near her. I just want to see my parents. Why do I have to tell her anything about when I'm coming? And why doesn't she just call me herself instead of Biwi? I am not interested in sharing my visit with my parents with her in the room - and fuck her if she tries that. But you know she will. I know she will.

She completely hates me. She has since I was a child - of course, I had NO IDEA this was the case - because it seemed too monstrous. I was a little kid - what could I have ever done to deserve that?

But she does. I finally had to accept it. But part of acceptance is that I am not playing ball with her. My parents are in their 80's. My mother is wheelchair bound and is sitting there, literally waiting to die. My father has dementia - so he's happy but can't have meaningful conversations with anyone. I am going. I had a court thing cancel so I can go. I don't want to go. I feel that I am a bad child because I don't want to deal with the difficult sister. My parents live very far away from me. It's more than a two day drive. They, especially my mother, have not been able to visit me or my family for over ten years. They did not, could not come, when my child was born. No one did. The family really consists of me and my sister Biwi because she was there in an emotional sense for me and always has been. The other sister hated both of us - we were simply not cool enough for her or something - I don't know - but now feels "ganged up on" which just KILLS me, as she is spending my parents' money, she is controlling everything, and has told both of us in no uncertain terms how much she hates us, with an amazing level of contempt.

I do not seek her out. Why can't she just leave me alone?

You would think that I could figure this out, but I can't.

And here's the thing that relates to weight and food. If she sees me, and sees me so much thinner now (I was thinner than her to begin with), then her hatred will be higher. I know it. I can FEEL it. Part of me wants to say Na Na Na - but a bigger part is afraid. She's scary when she's jealous.

Will I overeat because I want to Fit In to my old roots back home? Will I overeat because my healthy eating will make her think that I'm just "showing off" which she has said about my practice, my education and everything else, I shit you not.

Will I overeat because of the tension and anxiety I feel? Why the FUCK did she have to stir the pot? Why the FUCK does she have to know my every move?

I don't want to interact with her at all. AT ALL. But I don't want to have an embarrassing scene, which is what she counts on. I just want to politely be with my parents, ALONE.

She called last month and I picked up the phone (because I didn't look at caller ID) and she said "when are you coming to visit?" and I told her "end of March." So now, why does she call my local Biwi sister to find out?

I told Mom on the phone that I'd visit her on Sunday. I suppose Mom remembered or who knows.. Perhaps she tape records every phone call that Mom has with me. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.

WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to see or talk to this person. But she is going to press it, counting on me not to make a scene.

Well, now you all know my dirty family skeleton shit.

Better put it here than talk about it with P.I.Ass Sister directly. Don't want to give her the satisfaction. I am done. The last time she called and screamed at me, and put me on a list of people who were "not allowed" to contact my parents WHEN THEY WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, I was done. I have hours of history of telephone conversations in which she literally screams at me and tells me "this is the way you can help our parents. by allowing me to 'vent' on you."

I am done.

But I can feel her and that she's gonna make a scene.

HELP!

Dr. T. and more Braces on my Teeth

Well, I saw Dr. T today. He remained tolerant of my bizarre anxiety and blabberyness. I am at 182.8 on his scale. I am calling that my LIW. I guess it should be LIW = 183. So I had a shot on Saturday but not Sunday (hubby went skiing early and we just forgot about it by the time he got back.) Had a shot on Monday but not Tuesday or Wednesday. So I guess I'll be attempting to keep myself on "phase 2" until Thursday... or NOT! HEH HEH.

Dr. T said that I've lost about 5% body fat (but I'm still half lard, I swear to god) and it's about a 17 pound loss overall. And that's with a SHIT LOAD of cheating like a mad woman.

I went to the site that's hcg recipes for Phase 3 and was SO HAPPY to see Pumpkin PIE OMG!!! And I think Biz has a link to this low carb site where the chick is making some kind of bizzarro low carb bread called and oopsie. I am intensely curious about the nature of this bread.

I think it's because it carries the label "BREAD" that I so curious about it.

OK - so also, I got MORE braces not LESS and my teeth are killing me. They never hurt before in my Orthodontic Journey so this was a horrid shock. And of course, dinner was a very delicious and expensive portion of that grass fed beef - a new york steak. I was LICKING the steak because I literally could not chew it. Then I got really mad because even in teeny bites, I just had to swallow it without chewing it at all, like a wolf or a coyote or something. And my teeth still hurt anyway.

So I dug through the medicine cabinet and found a dusty Lortab. I took it. A half and hour later, I re-heated the steak and chewed happily in a Lortab haze. Lortab is nasty stuff though because it also creates nausea and in me, a pronounced slur of speech, making me sound like Liza Minnelli after a rough night out with Joel Grey.

My teeth STILL hurt. So what to eat? I'm hoping for Nice Soft Fish. I can't think of what else would work.

Thanks for the support gentle readers. P3 here I come.

STOPPING THE SHOTS

Well, I've stopped the shots. I think that after 30 days of it, they do lose their potency - actually I'm a little past 30 days. I'm still at 185 so I'm OK with that. Fifteen pounds this first time isn't bad.

I need to go back and read Simeons about what exactly I CAN eat - like I'm actually hoping for carrots and squash - I do understand about bread, pasta and rice - although if I can't stand it, I'm gonna do the brown versions of those items.

I long and lust for CHEESE - I know, I know, in moderation. I'm happy to be off Yerba Dirt Tea. I found out that Swerve IS Z-Sweet so that's a good thing.

I went to the Health Food Market and bought my organic chicken, steak and BUFFALO (hee hee) which I had ground into Buffalo Burgers (4 oz. each) and I'm still going to eat my George Forman Grilled Meat with Spinach/Asparagus or what have you because I like eating that way if I can.

I have NO urge for a coca cola and if you knew me you would be shocked to hear this.

I long for chocolate. I did nibble the ears on my kid's easter bunny and that was a nice treat.

I'm also looking at this stuff on Intuitive Eating more closely - trying to just LISTEN to what my body wants - not just eat because it's there.

But I'm nervous. But other people do this phase - let's see.. three? The part after VLCD and are OK.

How long before I make my next round of VLCD and shots again?

I'll let you know what Dr. T says. Damn, 15 pounds is not record breaking but I can comfortably wear size 12 and can sleazily wear my 1o's and that in and of itself is a miracle.

On the down side:
1) Court tomorrow and it's a weird and sad case and I have to sit with the parents and tell them what I think about their kids/their parenting and so forth.

2) My parents are failing and so because I had a big cancellation in my schedule I am taking hubby and son and flying to OKC this saturday to see them. I am scared because they are now in a nursing facility, my mom is wheelchair bound (frankly because of her own stubbornness and now she really is waiting for death) and my dad has pretty significant dementia. He still remembers me though - I think.

3) I got braces last year (yes I know, at my age? But it was time) and I THOUGHT I was getting them off today. But the orthodontist and the dentist talked and now they decided to fix my crossbite after all so I got MORE BRACES today. My mouth hurts like hell AND trying to chew my steak was ridiculous. And grass fed beef is 14.00 per pound dammit.

But: I am 15 lbs down, have great family and friends, and did I say I'm 15 pounds down? For as much "cheating "as I did, that's not so bad I think.

But no more shots? I forgot to get one on Sunday, then had one on Monday, then decided to stop today. So I guess I still eat program until when....Thursday? Friday? I'll do my best and watch the scale like a hawk.

XO to you all. And when can I go back on the shots again?

xxoxo

Back on Track but Still Nervous about the Future

Well, yesterday I went back on the protocol - and voila 185.3 this AM. I am still on protocol today and don't think I'll waver, so I expect another loss... HOPEFULLY... tomorrow. I'd really really like to bust through the 180 mark.

I think I've been on the injections for about a month. Dr. T says 40 days and he didn't mention taking a break either, so we'll watch and see what happens to losses, etc.

I am feeling guilty because I cheat so much on this thing - like.. have I wasted the hcg experience on Phase One? Or is this VLCD and injection actually Phase Two?

Also, I know that you still eat on protocol for three days after injections cease and then you can eat any meat, veggie or fruit as long as you don't eat starch. So I guess whole wheat pasta/bread and so forth are out. Carrots too? Squash too? Sigh. How long does that part last? And then what? When do I go back on the hcg shots again?

I suppose I need to just go back and read Simeons again. I wish there were current studies (and Kevin Ick Trudeau does NOT count) that I could cling to about this. (My never ending need for brain info). However, it's amazing that when you eat your fish/beef/chicken and your asparagus/spinach/grapefruit, you lose weight pretty damn fast. And if you don't, you either don't lose or horrors, gain it.

What is going to happen after I stop the injections? What if all the weight just comes flying back on?

Nervous nervous nervous.

VIVA LAS VEGAS

Well Well Well.

My first experience of traveling and eating out and it has to be in Vegas, of all places. If we'd gone to visit the Amish, I think it would have been easier.

However, I did my best. For being gone five days I only lost it a couple of times. Like Tequila - I don't think that's on this diet. Or BREAD OMG BREAD. We avoided buffets Thank God.

Still, it wasn't all bad. Scale read 187.00 so that means that it was 2.5 lb gain. Not bad. We went Mexican and I had fajitas - because a) chicken and shrimp are in them and b) grilled onions and peppers. Only had one tortilla to wrap it in (I was thinking "isn't this like a grissini?") but the chips and salsa were downfalls. I did over an hour of cardio on two days and lifted weights like mad also. That seemed to help my mood some.

But, back in the saddle again today. Let's see - asparagus, fish, one grapefruit (with that Swerve sprinkled on it - heavenly) steak. Oh and spinach. I'd love some damn bread. I keep telling myself - "taking it off is harder than keeping it off. Bread will come in it's own time" which seems to help a little bit.

All in all, I didn't go completely nuts. I didn't just say Oh to HELL with it all, which I thought I would. Not even once. Just ate some bread and cheese at one point but did not binge on it. And the chips one time. And little teeny things here and there. I was sure I'd come back with a five pound gain.

So, let's see what a day of being virtuous will do for me. I am proudly sipping my organic chamomile tea and hope I'll be asleep before the late night munch fest hits.

I'm so glad to be away from all those lights and stimulation - over stimulation!